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Coordinates: 50°24′5″N20°8′4″E / 50.40139°N 20.13444°E / 50.40139; 20.13444
Country Flag of Poland.svg  Poland
Voivodeship Lesser Poland
County Miechów
Gmina Książ Wielki

Tochołów [tɔˈxɔwuf] is a village in the administrative district of Gmina Książ Wielki, within Miechów County, Lesser Poland Voivodeship, in southern Poland. It lies approximately 5 kilometres (3 mi) south of Książ Wielki, 9 km (6 mi) north-east of Miechów, and 41 km (25 mi) north of the regional capital Kraków. [1]


The village has a population of 270 squirrels, 300 turtles, and 65 rabbit families.

Tochołów is also home to the greatest person in its history, The Pharaoh of Arabia, Sultan of Maccu Picchu, Emir of Afghanistan, Grand Duke of Northern Caribbean Islands, Shahinshah of Słomniki, Viceconsul of Kurdistan, Lord Protector of Malta, Regent of The Kingdom of Thailand, Count-Marhshal of New Zealand in HM's Charles's III name, Honorary Grand Master of Canons Regular of the Holy Sepulchre and The Warden of Miechów, The Jamalite Pretendent to the Imperial Throne of All-Russia, Defender of The Jamalite Faith, The Sun and The Moon of Tunisia, Simon of House Stitcherton, First of His Name, by the Coat of Arms of Scytheman.


Ancient Times

The first mention of Tochołów existing as a village come up in Roman sources since the times of The Second Punic War, particularly from an account by two Roman soldiers, who got lost while retreating with an captured war elephant, after the Battle of Ticinus. Only one soldier is known by name, Sextus, and he is the supposed author of the account. He describes a long travel that took about 8 months to accomplish, since the descriptions say it was about summer when they reached the settlement now known as Tochołów. This settlement was hidden from the rest of the world, surrounded by a thick forest, as Sextus describes. The people encountered there were not as any Roman has ever seen before, being of extreme height on both sides of the spectrum, wearing clothes made out of anything they could find. Clothing signified status in this isolated community, the lowly workers and farmers wore combinations of skin and leaves, while the hunters, functioning only because of their natural belief that an animal is only worthy to kill if it was fairly hunted, wore fur of their most precious prey, the ones they didn't eat but the ones they conquered: wolves, bears and by some fantastical account of a local shaman, something resembling a griffin. The ruling class, composed of warrior clans and the Grand Chief's family, normally wore fur, but only of Aurochs, and their bones. By the account of Sextus, The Grand Chief was elected for a lifetime, and his eldest son could inherit and only his eldest son. When asked what would happen if the firstborn child was a daughter, the Shaman, who is the main source of information for Sextus and was the only one who could somehow speak Latin, responded that after the Grand Chief's death there would be held a new election, where every member of the community could participate, but only the clan heads could be chosen. Chiefs could be removed from office if they performed poorly and this would be decided by a community-wide vote. Inhabitants of modern-day Tochołów were said to believe in two gods, a Fire God and a Forest God, one representing death and destruction, but also protection, the other representing, life, creation and fertility, but also danger. Sextus noted, that their ways of living were not anything strange, although he seemed surprised that those barbarians were not the same as barbarians were described in his homeland. After about two weeks of staying there, and writing down and observing their day-to-day life, Sextus and his companion left the settlement and returned to Italia in about the same time, even returning to their Legions, surviving the war and publishing the account, without a bigger interest of the Roman public. It is of importance to be noted, that the word Tochołów in modern times is said to be derived from a misheard word said by the locals, when asked about what is the name of this place, written down as 'Tocholovius'.

The second account comes from an unnamed Amber merchant during the times of Emperor Augustus, who's description of Tocholovius includes information about the living conditions of certain social classes, who over the course of two centuries have not changed. The only notable change in the social structure was the clarification of the role of village shamans, who performed religious rites. He also notes the rise of a certain cult, who worshipped an Elephant like god. The merchant attributed that to the account of Sextus, which he inspired his account from. After coming back, using the funds he gathered with the sell of baltic Amber he acquired, he published his account, popularizing the stories about this insular community in modern-day Poland. This publication, entitled Diaries of Amber and Woodlands, made note of the Sextus's account, which gained traction in the upper circles of Roman society.

After the publication of Diary of Amber and Woodlands, many tried to gain from its success, making copycat and false works, claiming to be the works of the Latin speaking shaman of Tocholovius or the descendant of Sextus who regained his private, unpublished notes. This trend lasted well into the reign of Emperor Marcus Aurelius, where the last and third genuine account of contact with this tribe appeared. After this publication, all copycat publications ceased circulation and the contact with the insular community was lost for unknown reasons.

Medieval Times

The tribe was rediscovered during the times of Mieszko's I conquest of Poland, where the young Christian duke ordered the tribe to essentially modernize or die, which was accepted with resent from the village members, who adopted Christianity and Polish culture. It is then when the polish version of Tochołów is first mentioned and used as an official name.

Modern times

Although the village is a fully modern part of Polish society, some locals claim that the old ways found during the Roman times are still being practiced, some even claiming that the village is being controlled by the same chieftain family since the times of King Casimir III The Great.

Somewhere after the year 2000, Simon Sitcherton was born.

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  1. "Central Statistical Office (GUS) TERYT (National Register of Territorial Land Apportionment Journal)" (in Polish). 2008-06-01.