I Kissed Dating Goodbye

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I Kissed Dating Goodbye
I Kissed Dating Goodbye.jpg
Author Joshua Harris
CountryUnited States
LanguageEnglish
Subjects
PublisherMultnomah Books
Publication date
January 1, 1997
April 2, 2003
Pages238
ISBN 978-1-59052-135-9

I Kissed Dating Goodbye is a 1997 book by Joshua Harris. The book focuses on Harris' disenchantment with the contemporary secular dating scene, and offers ideas for improvement, alternative dating/courting practices, and a view that singleness need not be a burden nor characterized by what Harris describes as "selfishness".

Contents

By the late 2010s, Harris reconsidered his view that dating should be avoided, apologizing to those whose lives were negatively impacted by the book and directing the book's publisher to discontinue its publication. [1] [2]

Overview

In I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Harris popularized the concept of "courting" as an alternative to mainstream dating. In so doing, he raised discussion regarding the appropriateness of his proposed solutions, as well as the foundations on which he based his reasoning.

According to Harris, people in dating relationships put up a façade in an attempt to appear to be what the other person wants, thus hampering the "getting to know you" part of dating. Harris said that it is more appropriate and healthier in the long run to participate in "group dates" in order to truly understand the way a particular person interacts with others; in a group setting, a person is less likely to be able to maintain a façade. Harris proposed a system of courtship that involved the parents of both parties to a greater degree than is usual in conventional dating. In an interview with Family Christian Stores, Harris indicated that "people have taken the message of I Kissed Dating Goodbye and made it something legalistic – a set of rules. That's something that's beyond my control, and it's disappointing at times..." [3]

On November 20, 2005, Harris gave a sermon entitled "Courtship, Schmourtship: What Really Matters in Relationships". In it, Harris encouraged single adults in his church to form friendships. [4]

Critique

The book has been cited as an example of belief in "benevolent sexism" and "women as property" [5] as well as promoting "rape supportive messaging" [6] and "sexual purity teachings" that emphasize a "hierarchical father-daughter relationship" and reduces the agency of adolescent girls. [7]

Other commentators have pointed to IKDG as an example of messaging addressed to conservative Christians that would make them less likely to engage in online dating. [8] Yet others have suggested that the book promoted "condemnation and shame" among young women in the True Love Waits movement. [9] The book has been characterized as portraying ideal young Christian women as "sexually passive, emotional, and patient" [10] and discouraging young Christian men from forming relationships with women. [11]

Christian psychologists Henry Cloud and John Townsend suggest that avoiding dating in order to avoid suffering, as Harris advises, causes those who do so to forgo opportunities to mature, especially through learning how to create healthy boundaries. [12]

Retraction and apology by author

In 2016, Harris appeared to be reconsidering the claims that he had made in the book and apologized to several who publicly communicated how the book had influenced them to stay single or had been used by adults to impose stringent rules on them. [13] [14]

During a 2017 TED talk, Harris said his greatest regret about the book was him transferring his fears into the book. He said: "Fear is never a good motive. Fear of messing up, fear of getting your heart broken, fear of hurting somebody else, fear of sex... There are clear things in statements in Scripture about our sexuality being expressed within the covenant of marriage. But that doesn't mean that dating is somehow wrong or a certain way of dating is the only way to do things. I think that's where people get into danger. We have God's word, but then it's so easy to add all this other stuff to protect people, to control people, to make sure that you don't get anywhere near that place where you could go off course. And I think that's where the problems arise." [15]

In 2018, faith-based film company Exploration Films teamed with Harris to release a documentary entitled I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye. [16] That same year, Harris stated that he reconsidered his view that dating should be avoided, apologizing to those whose lives were negatively impacted by the book and directing the book's publisher to discontinue its publication. [1] [2]

In July 2019, Harris announced on Instagram that he and his wife, Shannon, were separating due to "significant changes [that] have taken place in both of us". [17] Later that month, Harris announced that he was no longer a Christian. [18] In August, Exploration Films announced they would halt distribution of I Survived, citing a lack of transparency from Harris after working with him for months. The company returned the rights back to director Jessica van der Wyngaard. [19]

Related Research Articles

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Chastity</span> Ethic concept of temperance related to sexuality

Chastity, also known as purity, is a virtue related to temperance. Someone who is chaste refrains either from sexual activity that is considered immoral or from any sexual activity, according to their state of life. In some contexts, for example when making a vow of chastity, chastity means the same as celibacy.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Courtship</span> Period in a couples relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage

Courtship is the period wherein some couples get to know each other prior to a possible marriage or committed romantic, de facto relationship. Courtship traditionally may begin after a betrothal and may conclude with the celebration of marriage. A courtship may be an informal and private matter between two people or may be a public affair, or a formal arrangement with family approval. Traditionally, in the case of a formal engagement, it is the role of a male to actively "court" or "woo" a female, thus encouraging her to understand him and her receptiveness to a marriage proposal.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Joshua Harris (author)</span> American writer, former pastor

Joshua Eugene Harris is an American former Evangelical Christian pastor. Harris' 1997 book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, in which he laid out his ideas concerning a Biblically based Christian approach to dating and relationships, helped shape purity culture for many Christian millennials. Harris was lead pastor of Covenant Life Church, the founding church of Sovereign Grace Ministries, in Gaithersburg, Maryland from 2004 until 2015. In 2018, Harris disavowed I Kissed Dating Goodbye and discontinued its publication. The following year, Harris announced that he was separating from his wife, had "undergone a massive shift in regard to my faith in Jesus" and had given up on his Christian faith.

Casual sex is sexual activity that takes place outside a romantic relationship and implies an absence of commitment, emotional attachment, or familiarity between sexual partners. Examples are sexual activity while casually dating, one-night stands, prostitution or swinging.

Antisexualism is opposition or hostility towards sexual behavior and sexuality.

The law of chastity is a moral code defined by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. According to the church, chastity means that "sexual relations are proper only between a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife." Therefore, abstinence from sexual relations outside of marriage, and complete fidelity to one's spouse during marriage, are required. As part of the law of chastity, the church teaches its members to abstain from adultery and fornication.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Purity ring</span> Ring worn to signal chastity

Purity rings are rings worn as a sign of chastity. Since the 1990s, in the United States, Christian organizations in the United States used the purity ring as a symbol of commitment. In particular, Catholic and evangelical Christian groups which promoted virginity pledges and virginity before marriage, such as True Love Waits and Silver Ring Thing. Wearing a purity ring is typically accompanied by a religious vow to practice abstinence until marriage. Chastity rings are part of the abstinence-only sex education movement and are intended to act as a physical reminder of the wearer's chastity vow.

Sexual ethics is a branch of philosophy that considers the ethics or morality or otherwise in sexual behavior. Sexual ethics seeks to understand, evaluate and critique interpersonal relationships and sexual activities from a social, cultural, and philosophical perspective. Some people consider aspects of human sexuality, such as gender identification and sexual orientation, as well as consent, sexual relations and procreation, as giving rise to issues of sexual ethics.

Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control, published in 1984 and written by Elisabeth Elliot, is an evangelical Protestant book, part manifesto and part autobiography, on the subject of romantic relationships. The book recounts Elliot's friendship and romance with missionary Jim Elliot, beginning in the 1940s and ending with his death in 1956. Elliot uses anecdotes from her relationship with Jim to expound on her views concerning pure, Christian relationships and the practice of waiting on God for romantic timing and direction. The book emphasises female self-sacrifice: denying one's wishes in order to submit to God and one's (future) husband and maintain sexual purity. The late Ruth Bell Graham, wife of popular evangelist Billy Graham, wrote the preface.

A purity ball is a formal dance event typically practiced by some conservative Christian groups in the United States. The events are attended by fathers and their teenage daughters in order to promote virginity until marriage. Typically, daughters who attend a purity ball make a virginity pledge to remain sexually abstinent until marriage. Fathers who attend a purity ball make a promise to protect their young daughters' "purity of mind, body, and soul." The balls are considered a part of purity culture.

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<span class="mw-page-title-main">Sex in film</span> Sex in mainstream film

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College dating is the set of behaviors and phenomena centered on the seeking out and the maintenance of romantic relationships in a university setting. It has unique properties that only occur, or occur most frequently, in a campus setting. Such phenomena as hooking up and lavaliering are widely prominent among university and college students. Hooking up is a worldwide phenomenon that involves two individuals having a sexual encounter without interest in commitment. Lavaliering is a "pre-engagement" engagement that is a tradition in the greek life of college campuses. Since fraternities and sororities do not occur much outside of the United States, this occurs, for the most part, only in the US. Technology allows college students to take part in unique ways of finding more partners through social networking. Sites such as Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace allow students to make new friends, and potentially find their spouse.

<i>When God Writes Your Love Story</i> 1999 book

When God Writes Your Love Story: The Ultimate Approach to Guy/Girl Relationships is a 1999 book by Eric and Leslie Ludy, an American married couple. After becoming a bestseller on the Christian book market, the book was republished in 2004 and then revised and expanded in 2009. It tells the story of the authors' first meeting, courtship, and marriage. The authors advise single people not to be physically or emotionally intimate with others, but to wait for the spouse that God has planned for them. The first edition was packaged with a CD single by the Ludys: "Faithfully", a song they had written specifically to accompany the book.

<i>Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship</i>

Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship is a 2000 book by Joshua Harris. It is the sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye. In Boy Meets Girl, Harris describes his personal experiences courting the woman he eventually married. The book argues that psychological pain and trauma can result from entering an intimate relationship before one is ready, either emotionally or financially, to commit to being the other person's life partner. Harris has written several other books, including I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Sex Is Not the Problem , and Stop Dating the Church.

Dr. Donald Fred Raunikar was an American psychoanalyst, Christian writer, and advocate of Biblical courtship from Houston, Texas.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Fornication</span> Name for pre-marital sexual intercourse

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Medieval female sexuality is the collection of sexual and sensual characteristics identified in a woman from the Middle Ages. Like a modern woman, a medieval woman's sexuality included many different aspects. Sexuality does not only refer to a woman's sexual activity, as sexual lives were as social, cultural, legal, and religious as they were personal.

Rape myths are prejudicial, stereotyped, and false beliefs about sexual assaults, rapists, and rape victims. They often serve to excuse sexual aggression, create hostility toward victims, and bias criminal prosecution.

Exvangelical is a social movement of people who have left evangelicalism, especially white evangelical churches in the United States, for atheism, agnosticism, progressive Christianity, or any other religious belief, or lack thereof. People in the movement are called "exvangelicals" or "exvies." The term prodigals is sometimes used for exvangelicals by people who remain evangelical.

References

  1. 1 2 MacCammon, Sarah (December 17, 2018). "Evangelical writer kisses an old idea goodbye". NPR.
  2. 1 2 MarieAnn Klett, Leah (October 23, 2018). "Joshua Harris says 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' will be discontinued, apologizes for 'flaws'". The Christian Post.
  3. "Josh & Shannon Harris with Rebecca St. James Dating And Waiting" . Retrieved December 23, 2007.
  4. Wilkinson, Alissa (May 26, 2015). "Forget Tinder. Pop culture is side-hugging courtship hello". The Washington Post. Retrieved February 24, 2018.
  5. Moon, Sarah, and Jo Reger. "'You Are Not Your Own': Rape, Sexual Assault and Consent in Evangelical Christian Dating Books." Journal of Integrated Social Sciences 4, no. 1 (2014): 55-74.
  6. Klement, Kathryn R., and Brad J. Sagarin. "Nobody Wants to Date a Whore: Rape-Supportive Messages in Women-Directed Christian Dating Books." Sexuality & Culture 21, no. 1 (2017): 205-223.
  7. Gish, Elizabeth. "Producing High Priests and Princesses: The Father-Daughter Relationship in the Christian Sexual Purity Movement." Religions 7, no. 3 (2016): 33.
  8. Gurrentz, Benjamin Thomas. "The Effect of Religious Salience on Attempting Online Dating." (2013).
  9. Sellers, Tina Schermer. Beloved Sex: Sex, Gender, and Christianity (2012): 218.
  10. Freitas, Donna. Sex and the Soul, Updated Edition: Juggling Sexuality, Spirituality, Romance, and Religion on America's College Campuses. Oxford University Press, 2015. 302
  11. Kiesling, A. J. Where Have All the Good Men Gone?. Harvest House Publishers, 2008. 54,185
  12. Cloud, Henry, and John Sims Townsend. Boundaries in Dating: Making Dating Work. Zondervan, 2000. 12-21
  13. Graham, Ruth (August 23, 2016). "Hello Goodbye". Slate. Retrieved August 4, 2017.
  14. Harris, Joshua. "'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' author: How and why I've rethought dating and purity culture". USA Today. Retrieved March 11, 2019.
  15. Klett, Leah Marieann (December 8, 2017). "Joshua Harris apologizes for mistakes in 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' in powerful TEDx talk". The Gospel Herald.
  16. "I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye COMPLETE FILM - Director's Cut". YouTube.
  17. Harris, Joshua (July 18, 2019). "We're writing to share the news that we are separating and will continue our life together as friends. In recent years, some significant changes have taken place in both of us. ..." Instagram. Retrieved August 29, 2019.
  18. Parke, Caleb (July 29, 2019). "Well-known Christian author, purity advocate, renounces his faith: 'I hope you can forgive me'". Fox News. Retrieved August 29, 2019.
  19. Gions-Phillips, Tré (August 29, 2019). "Film distributor drops Joshua Harris' documentary after being blindsided by author saying he's no longer Christian". Faithwire. Retrieved August 29, 2019.