Are We Dating The Same Guy?

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Are We Dating The Same Guy?, also shortened as AWDTSG [1] is a series of over 200 [1] individual Facebook groups [1] where women share the dating profiles of men they matched with on dating networks to seek the opinion other women who may have dated that same man in the past. [2] The first group was by Paola Sanchez and involved women living in the NYC environs. [3] [4] The groups have over 3.5 million members as of January 2024. [1] It is done by taking screenshots of a man's dating profile and posting it onto her city's designated Facebook group, asking "any tea?". Other users in the group will then share information about the man and share warnings. [5] [6] The groups are moderated by volunteers, [6] and have been described as a feminist group. [7]

Contents

The groups have rules saying that personal information such as addresses must not be included in the Facebook posts. Users attempting to join the group are also examined to prevent postage of fake profiles. [6] The group is mainly for straight women. [1]

According to Vice, the men being posted about have no way to defend against accusations made about them, and on the other hand, posters cannot prove their stories unless backed up by others. [5] Often times, members post pictures alongside personal information such as his name, which may infringe on that person's legal right to privacy. Lawyers have said these issues can lead to a defamation lawsuit, [8] [9] and members can make false allegations and create fabricated stories. [9] [10] [11] If members tell the man that he's been talked about on the group, the "snitch" will be banned and be "exposed to the whole group". [12]

History

The first Are We Dating The Same Guy group was created by Paola Sanchez. [13] The first group was created in March 2022 in New York City. [9]

A male counterpart, named "Are We Dating the Same Girl NYC" was created for New York. It had mostly the same guidelines and rules to the original. When the original Are We Dating The Same Guy group found it, they said that it was disgusting and unacceptable for men to post screenshots of women's dating profiles. Many people in the men's group were called incels. [14]

Operations

Administrators are told not to respond to men asking to have posts about them removed, and to not remove said posts. [13] The people being posted about have repored being questioned by their employers about things they have said they have not done. [13]

Members of the groups sometimes criticise the physical appearance of the men being posted about. [13] According to the Evening Standard , the groups "frequent[ly] mock" the appearance or dating profiles of the men who are posted about, despite being against the rules. For this behaviour, women are sometimes kicked out, or the group is given a mass discipline via the admins. [15] The groups have rules against hating men, but the rules can be difficult to enforce on large groups, with some at over 100,000 members. Some men have also been able to join the groups without being noticed. [13]

Reception

In October 2023, Sera Bozza of Body+Soul wrote that consistently using Are We Dating The Same Guy can "affect your real-world view". She wrote that "A few stories of cheating may persuade you to believe that all men are unfaithful". [16]

Lawyers and commentators have expressed concern that the groups fail to acknowledge the legal right to privacy and users can create false allegations and fabricated stories, [9] [10] [11] and cyberbully men [9] without them being able to defend themselves. [5] This may lead to civil lawsuits against the author for defamation, harassment, and other related privacy torts. [17] [8] [9] Netsafe, an online safety organisation in New Zealand, advises users of a similar group to familiarise themselves with the Harmful Digital Communications Act to ensure that posts do not lead to "harmful consequences". [18]

The Independent reported that men who have been posted on the dating groups have felt violated, and that even if reviewed positively by potentially thousands of strangers, the men being discussed about may have their reputation slightly decreased due to the association with being on the groups. The Independent also reported that some men believe that the groups are created to spread lies or mock them. [6]

UTV/ITV News talked to a man who was posted who was driven to suicide which left him clinically dead for three minutes, the man had to spent 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital as a result of the posts made about him and with no way to defend himself. Many other men have talked about malicious false claims made of them.

Men's rights activists have taken a dislike to these groups and have got multiple North American groups shut down by running target campaigns and Facebook reporting. They also have Reddit communities dedicated to get rid of Are We Dating The Same Guy. [6] [1]

Women who have posted in the groups have felt that they have put their safety at risk, with some having being confronted by the men they posted about. [13]

The group has been noted to expose men who, while on a dating app, may already be in a relationship or is being deceitful about their age or has a reputation for ghosting the women or generally any red flag. [19] For example, some members of the group had matched on a dating site with a mentally unstable man who had done time in a mental institution after killing a person. After they found out about what the man had done, they quickly set out to warn the group. [20] The group has also been noted to be complimentary of some men. [20] [ clarification needed ]

Lawsuits

In 2023, a 41 year old man sued the administrators of the London group for $35,000 under defamation, alleging that the group "called names, accused of sending lewd photos and of being a bad parent". [21]

In January 2024 a man sued Meta, the owner of Facebook, along with Patreon, GoFundMe, and the AWDTSG website, as well as almost 30 group members due to alleged defamation, emotional distress, and invasion of privacy. Claiming that the groups violate anti-doxxing laws do not fact check, he is seeking $75,000 in damages, and the suit will receive its first hearing in March. It claims that the group shared fake images of him sending women texts containing harassment, his name and photo. His attorneys claim that if the images were real, they would fall under free speech in the First Amendment. [22] [23] [1] By February, groups had raised $80,000. The Washington Post said that this case caused AWDTSG to "explode into public view". [13]

By country

Australia

In Australia, there are groups for multiple cities including Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Perth, Brisbane and Rockhampton with many having several thousand members. [12] The Sydney group has 30,000 members. [16]

In March 2023, the Adelaide version of the group, which had 7,000 members, was shut down. [24]

In 2024, groups titled "Sis, Are We Dating The Same Guy" stopped accepting new posts after an admin was sued for defamation and had to pay over AU$20,000 in legal fees. The case was settled out of court. The administrator announcing these closures cited a 2021 defamation High Court case involving detainee Dylan Voller, which led to the High Court saying that owners of Facebook groups can be held liable for defamatory comments, even if they did not know the comments had been made. [25]

Canada

In 2023, a group was started for Ottawa by 37-year-old Alicia Mercer. She previously was in a relationship full of "cheating and lies", which prompted her to creating the Facebook community. [8]

In 2023, the group for Vancouver and British Columbia was shut down after concerns about men being unable to protect themselves against false allegations. [11] [26]

New Zealand

In New Zealand, the community is called "Do We Have The Same Boyfriend". The group gained 19,000 users in its first 24 hours. [27] A few cheating men have been discovered on the group, however it is not common. [18]

United Kingdom

The group for the United Kingdom was created in May 2022. [28] There are groups for London, Nottingham and Swindon. The London group has over 86,000 members as of January 2024. [6] [29]

United States

There is a group for Hudson Valley which has 2,700 members as of July 2023. [30] The New York group has over 136,000 members as of July 2023. [31] [26] There is also a Washington group which has over 11,000 members as of January 2024. [1]

Ireland

There is a group for Dublin and Ireland, which has 7,900 as of 5 June 2023. [32]

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References

  1. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 "'Are We Dating the Same Guy?' What to know about controversial Facebook groups at center of lawsuit". USA TODAY. Retrieved 2024-01-19.
  2. ↑ "Are we dating the same guy? This Facebook group might know". Mashable. 2023-02-20. Archived from the original on 2023-06-15. Retrieved 2023-06-13.
  3. ↑ Kahn, Jamie (2022-10-26). "Inside the Secret Facebook Group Where Women Review Men They've Dated". Glamour. Retrieved 2024-06-05.
  4. ↑ O’Brien, Sara Ashley. "How a Whisper Network for Online Dating Turned Divisive". WSJ. Retrieved 2024-06-05.
  5. 1 2 3 Lavinia, Emilie (2023-05-26). "The Dark Side of 'Are We Dating the Same Guy' Groups". Vice. Archived from the original on 2023-06-11. Retrieved 2023-06-13.
  6. 1 2 3 4 5 6 "Inside the secret network of women naming and shaming their bad exes". The Independent. 2023-10-12. Retrieved 2023-10-16.
  7. ↑ ""Are We Sharing Boyfriends?:" Toxic Dating Trend or Modern-Day Feminism?". Hypebae. 2022-04-11. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  8. 1 2 3 "Facebook groups warning women about online daters could be a risky business". Archived from the original on 13 June 2023. Retrieved 14 June 2023.
  9. 1 2 3 4 5 6 "Posted to 'Are We Dating the Same Guy?': What to Do - Minc Law". www.minclaw.com. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  10. 1 2 Casey, Alex (2023-03-27). "Inside the rise of Do We Have the Same Boyfriend Facebook groups". Stuff. Archived from the original on 2023-06-14. Retrieved 2023-06-14.
  11. 1 2 3 Rather, Cornellius (2023-06-04). "Are We Dating the Same Guy? | Vancouver / British Columbia Shut Down". Are We Dating The Same Person. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  12. 1 2 "Inside wild 'dating' groups exposing Australian men". Archived from the original on 7 March 2023. Retrieved 14 June 2023.
  13. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 "Are we dating the same guy? Facebook groups offer intel but upend lives". The Washington Post . 2 March 2024. Retrieved 4 January 2025.
  14. ↑ "Inside the Secret Facebook Group Where Women Review Men They've Dated". Glamour. 2022-10-26. Archived from the original on 2023-06-17. Retrieved 2023-06-17.
  15. ↑ Mussen, Maddy (2023-02-08). "Are We Dating The Same Guy: what really happens in the divisive Facebook group?". Evening Standard. Archived from the original on 2023-07-26. Retrieved 2023-06-13.
  16. 1 2 "If you're single, don't join these secret Facebook groups". Body+Soul. 25 October 2023. Retrieved 29 October 2023.
  17. ↑ "Are We Dating the Same Guy? The Legal Implications of Posting your Dates on Facebook". JD Supra. Retrieved 2024-03-14.
  18. 1 2 Casey, Alex (2023-03-27). "Inside the rise of Do We Have the Same Boyfriend Facebook groups". Stuff. Archived from the original on 2023-06-14. Retrieved 2023-06-14.
  19. ↑ https://www.fox5dc.com/news/womans-private-social-media-group-warns-of-dating-red-flags-about-guys-the-dc-region
  20. 1 2 Hogan, Susan; Rodriguez, Ambar; Ing, Lance (2022-11-16). "Dating Dangers: Women Use Private Facebook Groups to Keep Each Other Safe". NBC4 Washington. Retrieved 2024-06-05.
  21. ↑ "Defamation case underscores how reality is hard to discern in online dating, says anthropologist". CBC News. Archived from the original on 26 August 2023. Retrieved 26 August 2023.
  22. ↑ Machi, Sara (2024-01-10). "Chicago man sues over post on Facebook group about dating - CBS Chicago". www.cbsnews.com. Retrieved 2024-01-19.
  23. ↑ "Man files lawsuit against 27 women over 'malicious' dating posts in Facebook group". TODAY.com. 2024-01-12. Retrieved 2024-01-19.
  24. ↑ "Controversial Facebook group exposing men shut down". Archived from the original on 2023-06-14. Retrieved 2023-06-14.
  25. ↑ "Sis, Are We Dating The Same Guy? Facebook groups paused as admins fear legal risks". ABC News. 2024-10-13. Retrieved 2025-01-03.
  26. 1 2 Treynor, Olivia (2023-07-21). "Would you dox a bad date?". Document Journal. Archived from the original on 2023-08-26. Retrieved 2023-08-26.
  27. ↑ "'Do we have the same boyfriend?': Kiwi gals flood FB group exposing cheating men and it's wild". theedge.co.nz. Archived from the original on 2023-06-14. Retrieved 2023-06-14.
  28. ↑ Curiously, Rebecca Lockwood-Content Creator / (2023-02-11). "Are We Dating The Same Guy group where women exchange notes on dates debunked". OK! Magazine. Archived from the original on 2023-06-17. Retrieved 2023-06-17.
  29. ↑ https://www.facebook.com/groups/1037161243564962
  30. ↑ "Are we dating the same guy? A local Facebook group may tell you". Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
  31. ↑ https://web.facebook.com/groups/340985311306448?_rdc=1&_rdr
  32. ↑ "Irish women using secret Facebook group to screen men for 'red flags' and 'toxic' behaviour". SundayWorld.com. 2023-08-05. Archived from the original on 2023-08-05. Retrieved 2023-08-05.
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