Love & Respect

Last updated
Love & Respect
File-Love & Respect Coverart.jpg
AuthorDr. Emerson Eggerichs
CountryUnited States
LanguageEnglish
Subject Self-help, marriage, love, respect
PublisherIntegrity Publishers
Publication date
2004
ISBN 978-1-59145-187-7

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs was written in 2004 by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and first published by Integrity Publishers, Nashville, TN. [1] The book was a national bestseller. [2] [3] In his book, Eggerichs argues that men value respect more highly than love. [4]

Contents

In 1999 Eggerichs and his wife Sarah founded "Love & Respect Ministries. [5] [6] Their ministry resulted in the best-selling self-help book The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. [2]

Eggerichs had been pastor of the Michigan's East Lansing Trinity Church for 19 years when he Love & Respect was published in 2004. [5]

Eggerichs earned his master's in divinity from Dubuque Seminary, and earned the PhD in child and family ecology from Michigan State University. [5]

Eggerichs continues to speak at marriage conferences. [7] The ideas of the Love & Respect ministry have been taught at workshops and conferences held by other pastors. [2] Conferences are also conducted via video. [8] Since the 2020 publication of an open letter to Focus on the Family by the popular marriage author Sheila Wray Gregoire, [9] the book has been the source of controversy within evangelical Christian circles.

Summary

The book is built upon the theory that the "primary emotional needs" for men and women, respectively are that men need respect and women need love, like they need air to breathe. [3]

Eggerichs argues that careless remarks and minor misunderstandings that leave a wife feeling unloved or a husband feeling that his wife doesn't respect him can snowball into major conflict unless couples work to stop destructive cycles. [10]

Citing the Quran ( (Qur'an, 30:21) ) in its discussion of Eggerich's book, the Colombo, Daily News argues that women, to whom love for their husbands comes naturally, but who must learn to have "unconditional respect" for their husbands because both the Quran and "contemporary research" have proven that "The more respect a woman shows her husband, the more love and kindness he will show her." [11]

According to British clinical psychologist Stephen Briers, Eggerichs commits the widespread psychological error of the self-help genre by writing as though "a relationship is some kind of romantic cooperative forged primarily to meet the emotional needs of the two people in it." [12]

According to Christian author Glenn I. Miller, Eggerichs argues that it is important for a spouse to display love and respect even if the other spouse does not reciprocate, because one's relationship with a spouse is intended to model and reflect a Christian's relationship with Christ. [13]

In Love & Respect Eggerichs argues that "1. Love is her deepest need and respect is his deepest need. I believe this based on the Bible. Ephesians 5:33: 'Nevertheless let each individual among you also love his own wife even as himself; and let the wife see to it that she respect her husband.' In other words, a wife needs to feel love and a husband needs to feel respect. Consequently ... 2. Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love. There is a love and respect connection." [5]

Emerson Eggerichs claims to have scientific support for his theory of "Love & Respect" in the form of a study by psychologist John Gottman of the University of Washington, "I heard of a study he did using 2,000 couples on why marriages failed. And he found love and respect were the two major factors." [6]

Although the L & R conferences promote "the assumption that the woman's place is in the home," and Sarah Eggerichs advises women to praise "their husband's commitment to bring home the bacon," she has had a career as a well-coifed, highly polished, full-time professional speaker. [3] Sarah Eggerichs advises women to do things their husbands enjoy, even though "You may be bored, sitting in the back of a fishing boat or watching him do woodworking, but he will love it"; to welcome his sexual advances, "As a wise woman once asked, 'Why would you deprive him of something that takes such a short time and makes him soooo happy?'"; and to make certain always to be nicely-groomed and dressed when their husbands come home from work. [3]

Translations

(This list is most probably incomplete.)

LanguageTitleYear of Translation
TurkishSevgi ve Saygı: Kadının İstediği Sevgi, Adamın Beklediği Saygı2018
SpanishAmor y Respeto2010
GermanLiebe und Respekt2011
AfrikaansLiefde en respek
ItalianAmore e rispetto
PolishMilosc i szacunek
RomanianDragoste şi respect
RussianЛюбовь и уважение2013
SlovakLáska a úcta2016
Banglaলাভ এন্ড রেসপেক্ট : দাম্পত্য সুখের অজানা রহস্য2020

Reception

Since at least 2016, "Love and Respect" has been accused of teaching messages that are dangerous, such as ignoring consent in sexual relationships. [14] The publication of Sheila Wray Gregoire's 2020 open letter to Focus on the Family (which endorses the book "Love and Respect" and platforms its authors and teachings) [15] opened up a broader conversation about the effects of the teachings of the book. In this letter, Gregoire states that the book is problematic in many ways, among which are its framing of sex as a male entitlement, and the way its messages protect and enable abusers. [16] Gregoire has gone on to research and publicize [17] the damage caused to women and marriages by messages such as those in "Love and Respect," publishing the book "The Great Sex Rescue," [18] which widely references quotes and ideas found in "Love and Respect." Psychology Today also published an article outlining the lack of scientific plausibility to the central claims of the book about men's need for respect versus women's desire for love, stating instead that research shows that both love and respect are needed for both parties in a healthy relationship. [19] The book has been allegedly promoted within the BDSM community as a tool for coercing an unwilling wife into participating in BDSM acts. [20]

Related Research Articles

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Christian views on marriage</span>

From the earliest days of the Christian faith, Christians have viewed marriage as a divinely blessed, lifelong, monogamous union between a man and a woman. However, while many Christians might agree with the traditional definition, the terminology and theological views of marriage have varied through time in different countries, and among Christian denominations.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Jewish views on marriage</span> Perspectives of Judaism regarding marriage

Marriage in Judaism is the documentation of a contract between a Jewish man and a Jewish woman in which God is involved. In Judaism, a marriage can end either because of a divorce document given by the man to his wife, or by the death of either party. Certain details, primarily as protections for the wife, were added in Talmudic times.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Marriage</span> Culturally recognised union between people

Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a culturally and often legally recognized union between people called spouses. It establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. It is nearly a cultural universal, but the definition of marriage varies between cultures and religions, and over time. Marriage becomes a social construct to adjudicate the conflicts of interest between consenting individuals and a transactional means to fulfill their needs. Typically, it is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually sexual, are acknowledged or sanctioned. In some cultures, marriage is recommended or considered to be compulsory before pursuing sexual activity. A marriage ceremony is called a wedding, while a private marriage is sometimes called an elopement.

Polygamy is the practice of marrying multiple spouses. When a man is married to more than one wife at the same time, sociologists call this polygyny. When a woman is married to more than one husband at a time, it is called polyandry. In sociobiology and zoology, researchers use polygamy in a broad sense to mean any form of multiple mating.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Wife</span> Female spouse; woman who is married

A wife is a woman in a marital relationship. A woman who has separated from her partner continues to be a wife until their marriage is legally dissolved with a divorce judgment. On the death of her partner, a wife is referred to as a widow. The rights and obligations of a wife to her partner and her status in the community and law vary between cultures and have varied over time.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Spouse of the prime minister of Canada</span>

The spouse of the prime minister of Canada is the wife or husband of the prime minister of Canada. Sophie Grégoire Trudeau is married to the 23rd and current prime minister, Justin Trudeau, though the couple have been separated since August 2, 2023.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">The Wife of Bath's Tale</span> One of the Canterbury Tales

"The Wife of Bath's Tale" is among the best-known of Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. It provides insight into the role of women in the Late Middle Ages and was probably of interest to Chaucer himself, for the character is one of his most developed ones, with her Prologue twice as long as her Tale. He also goes so far as to describe two sets of clothing for her in his General Prologue. She holds her own among the bickering pilgrims, and evidence in the manuscripts suggests that although she was first assigned a different, plainer tale—perhaps the one told by the Shipman—she received her present tale as her significance increased. She calls herself both Alyson and Alys in the prologue, but to confuse matters these are also the names of her 'gossib', whom she mentions several times, as well as many female characters throughout The Canterbury Tales.

Group marriage or conjoint marriage is a marital arrangement where three or more adults enter into sexual, affective, romantic, or otherwise intimate short- or long-term partnerships, and share in any combination of finances, residences, care or kin work. Group marriage is considered a form of polygamy. While academic usage has traditionally treated group marriage as a marital arrangement, more recent usage has expanded the concept to allow for the inclusion of non-conjugal unions. Colloquial usage of group marriage has also been associated with polyamory and polyamorous families.

Sex-positive feminism, also known as pro-sex feminism, sex-radical feminism, or sexually liberal feminism, is a feminist movement centering on the idea that sexual freedom is an essential component of women's freedom. They oppose legal or social efforts to control sexual activities between consenting adults, whether they are initiated by the government, other feminists, opponents of feminism, or any other institution. They embrace sexual minority groups, endorsing the value of coalition-building with marginalized groups. Sex-positive feminism is connected with the sex-positive movement. Sex-positive feminism brings together anti-censorship activists, LGBT activists, feminist scholars, producers of pornography and erotica, among others. Sex-positive feminists believe that prostitution can be a positive experience if workers are treated with respect, and agree that sex work should not be criminalized.

In Islamic law (sharia), marriage is a legal and social contract between two individuals. Marriage is an act of Islam and is strongly recommended. Polygyny is permitted in Islam under some conditions, but polyandry is forbidden.

Jewish views on incest deal with the sexual relationships which are prohibited by Judaism and rabbinic authorities on account of a close family relationship that exists between persons. Such prohibited relationships are commonly referred to as incest or incestuous, though that term does not appear in the biblical and rabbinic sources. The term mostly used by rabbinic sources is "forbidden relationships in Judaism".

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Complementarianism</span> Theological view on gender roles

Complementarianism is a theological view in some denominations of Christianity, Rabbinic Judaism, and Islam, that men and women have different but complementary roles and responsibilities in marriage, family life, and religious leadership. Complementary and its cognates are currently used to denote this view. Some Christians interpret the Bible as prescribing complementarianism, and therefore adhere to gender-specific roles that preclude women from specific functions of ministry within the community. Though women may be precluded from certain roles and ministries, they are held to be equal in moral value and of equal status. The phrase used to describe this is "ontologically equal, functionally different".

The type, functions, and characteristics of marriage vary from culture to culture, and can change over time. In general there are two types: civil marriage and religious marriage, and typically marriages employ a combination of both. Marriages between people of differing religions are called interfaith marriages, while marital conversion, a more controversial concept than interfaith marriage, refers to the religious conversion of one partner to the other's religion for sake of satisfying a religious requirement.

The following outline is provided as an overview of and topical guide to interpersonal relationships.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Family</span> Group of related people

Family is a group of people related either by consanguinity or affinity. It forms the basis for social order. The purpose of the family is to maintain the well-being of its members and of society. Ideally, families offer predictability, structure, and safety as members mature and learn to participate in the community. Historically, most human societies use family as the primary purpose of attachment, nurturance, and socialization.

A mixed-orientation marriage is a marriage between partners of differing sexual orientations. The broader term is mixed-orientation relationship, sometimes shortened to MOR or MORE.

Criticisms of marriage are arguments against the practical or moral value of the institution of matrimony or particular forms of matrimony. These have included the effects that marriage has on individual liberty, equality between the sexes, the relation between marriage and violence, philosophical questions about how much control can a government have over its population, the amount of control a person has over another, the financial risk when measured against the divorce rate, and questioning of the necessity to have a relationship sanctioned by government or religious authorities.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Marriage in modern China</span> Modern marriage practices

Marriage in China has undergone change during the country's economic reform period, especially as a result of new legal policies such as the New Marriage Law of 1950 and the family planning policy in place from 1979 to 2015. The major transformation in the twentieth century is characterized by the change from traditional structures for Chinese marriage, such as arranged marriage, to one where the freedom to choose one’s partner is generally respected. However, both parental and cultural pressures are still placed on many individuals, especially women, to choose socially and economically advantageous marriage partners. In 2022, China had 6.8 million marriages. While divorce remains rare in China, the 1.96 million couples applying for divorce in 2010 represented a rate 14% higher than the year before and doubled from ten years ago. Despite this rising divorce rate, marriage is still thought of as a natural part of the life course and as a responsibility of good citizenship in China.

A cuckquean is the wife of an adulterous husband, and the gender-opposite of a cuckold. In evolutionary biology, the term is also applied to females who are investing parental effort in offspring that are not genetically their own. Similar prying within a family is called wittoldry. The term is derived from Early Modern English dating back to AD 1562 and is composed of the terms cuck "someone whose partner is unfaithful" and quean "disreputable woman".

<i>When God Writes Your Love Story</i> 1999 book

When God Writes Your Love Story: The Ultimate Approach to Guy/Girl Relationships is a 1999 book by Eric and Leslie Ludy, an American married couple. After becoming a bestseller on the Christian book market, the book was republished in 2004 and then revised and expanded in 2009. It tells the story of the authors' first meeting, courtship, and marriage. The authors advise single people not to be physically or emotionally intimate with others, but to wait for the spouse that God has planned for them. The first edition was packaged with a CD single by the Ludys: "Faithfully", a song they had written specifically to accompany the book.

References

  1. Radford, Bill (11 September 2004). "Book review: Men crave respect over love ; Minister helps couples address different needs". The Gazette (Colorado Springs). Freedom Newspapers.
  2. 1 2 3 Linstromberg, Bre (27 December 2013). "Nationally recognized series on love, respect planned". Jacksonville Journal-Courier. McClatchy - Tribune.
  3. 1 2 3 4 Bond, Laura (14 April 2005). "Love and Happiness; An insider's guide to being the perfect wife". Westword.
  4. Fayola, Ayo (4 December 2019). "The Poor Man's Joker". goodmenproject.com. The Good Men Project . Retrieved 30 January 2020.
  5. 1 2 3 4 Chavez, Kathrin (13 August 2004). "Eggerichs speaks on 'Love and Respect'". The Tennessean.
  6. 1 2 Dunn, Patrick (14 February 2004). "Making Marriage Sweeter". Albuquerque Journal.
  7. Law, Jeannie (22 August 2019). "Lakewood's marriage ministry addresses commitment, pride and intimacy at Spark Conference". Christian Post . Retrieved 27 January 2020.
  8. "Redlands church offers marriage video conference". Redlands Daily Facts. 8 August 2012.
  9. Gregoire, Sheila Wray (2020-01-15). "An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson Eggerichs". Bare Marriage. Retrieved 2023-04-20.
  10. Cullen, Kevin (28 September 2005). "Communicate, compromise". Journal & Courier.
  11. "Love for one another". Daily News (Sri Lanka). 11 June 2012.
  12. Biers, Stephen (2012). Myth 20: Married Bliss a Matter of Give and Take. in Psychobabble: Exploding the myths of the self-help generation. Pearson.
  13. Miller, Glenn I. (2015). Living a Balanced Life. WestBow Press.
  14. "Love, Respect, and Consent". Sparking Conversation. 2016-06-06. Retrieved 2023-04-20.
  15. Account, Sample (2004-01-01). "Basics of Love and Respect". Focus on the Family. Retrieved 2023-04-20.
  16. Gregoire, Sheila Wray (2020-01-15). "An Open Letter to Focus on the Family about Love & Respect and Emerson Eggerichs". Bare Marriage. Retrieved 2023-04-20.
  17. Gregoire, Sheila Wray (2023-01-18). "A Summary of the Issues with Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs (with Download)". Bare Marriage. Retrieved 2023-04-20.
  18. "The Great Sex Rescue | Baker Publishing Group". bakerpublishinggroup.com. Retrieved 2023-04-20.
  19. "Women Need Love and Men Need Respect? | Psychology Today Canada". www.psychologytoday.com. Retrieved 2023-04-20.
  20. Gregoire, Sheila Wray (2021-08-02). "Love and Respect is Being Recommended to Coerce Women into BDSM Relationships". Bare Marriage. Retrieved 2023-04-20.