Plot
Troy and Greece are at war. To broker peace, Orlando, the flamboyantly gay prince of Troy, is sent to Greece. His ambitious sister, Hottessa, sees this as a chance to climb the throne. She urges her husband, Awesomest Maximus — prophesied to be the greatest strategist of his time, but in reality a complete buffoon — to follow Orlando and salvage the mission. She hopes this will earn her favor with her aging father, King Senilus.
As expected, Orlando’s peace mission fails spectacularly when he seduces Helena, the wife of Greek King Erotic, convincing her to flee with him to Troy. Enraged, Erotic launches a full-scale war against Troy. Among his warriors is the mighty hero Testiclees.
The Trojans, following an oracle’s prophecy, face the Greeks with only 300 men. Thanks to the heroic efforts of Qantas and his fighters, they miraculously defeat the Greeks. Awesomest, however, performs so poorly that his own troops “accidentally” shove him off a cliff. Everyone assumes he’s dead.
In truth, Awesomest swims to the African coast, where he’s captured by slavers and trained as a gladiator. Surprisingly, he learns to fight and becomes victorious in the arena — until he accidentally kills Platroklos, earning the wrath of Testiclees. Awesomest narrowly escapes.
Meanwhile, the Greeks fail to breach Troy. That’s when Gnomicus — previously exiled by the Trojans for being short and dark-skinned — proposes a cunning plan to King Erotic: the Greeks should hide inside a giant wooden penis and sneak into the city. The plan works, and the Greeks prepare to conquer Troy.
To prevent further bloodshed, Awesomest proposes a duel to settle the war. Erotic agrees and sends Testiclees to fight. Deppus wins by exploiting Testiclees’ secret weakness. When Erotic tries to break his promise and continue the war, Orlando confesses his love for him — revealing that he started the whole war just to get Erotic’s attention. Moved, Erotic admits he loves Orlando too, and ends the war.
Hottizia is finally proud of Awesomest, who for once actually succeeded.
In the final twist, it’s revealed that Awesomest is telling this entire story to two women in a bar. Whether it’s true or just drunken nonsense remains a mystery.
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