Verbal self-defense

Last updated December 10, 2023

Verbal self-defense or verbal aikido is the art of using one's words to prevent, de-escalate, or end an attempted assault.^[1]

It is a way of using words to maintain mental and emotional safety. This kind of "conflict management" involves using posture and body language, tone of voice, and choice of words as a means for calming a potentially volatile situation before it can manifest into physical violence. This often involves techniques such as taking a time-out, deflecting the conversation to less argumentative topics, and/or redirecting the conversation to other individuals in the group who are less passionately involved.

Overview

Verbal self-defense experts have widely varying definitions of what it is and how it is applied. These include everything from a person simply saying no to someone else or repeatedly refusing a request to telling someone who has violated a personal boundary what he/she ought to know. It could even entail a more complicated scenario in which a person is called on to refuse to engage verbally with someone manipulative, to set limits, and to end the conversation.^[2]

In any definition it is always agreed that verbal self-defense is necessary as a means of enforcing personal boundaries and limits. Part of learning these skills includes learning how to identify communication triggers which cause a person to experience negative feelings and, in some cases, what those triggers represent with regards to what personal values the other person are violating.

The abusive types of communication that verbal self-defense is designed to acknowledge and deal with also vary greatly. This includes indirect forms of abuse such as backhanded comments, and backstabbing or two-faced behaviors. As well, verbal self-defense is meant to address more commonly recognized forms of abuse such as yelling, belittling, and name calling. Going beyond verbal attacks, abusive behaviors also recognized in the field of verbal self-defense are aggressive posturing (taking a threatening posture or making a threatening gesture), physically interfering with personal belongings, and inappropriately intruding on one's personal space.

Key components

Most experts who write and publish articles and books on the subject of verbal self-defense identify several key elements to strong verbal self-defense skills.

Being able to identify people, situations, and/or behaviors that induce hurtful feelings – such as fear, inadequacy, and shame – is important in order to know when a person needs to apply verbal tactics of defense.
Controlling how a person responds to conflict, both mentally and emotionally, is key to applying verbal defense skills efficiently and appropriately.
Having a general knowledge of what to say in advance offers a significant advantage for anyone using verbal self-defense. Some authors have even gone so far as to provide actual statements for people to use as a way to deal with verbally aggressive communicators.^[3]

Controversy

Authors and professional instructors offering seminars and workshops have differing views with regard to whether or not verbal self-defense is a form of "persuasion" and if "consequences" for the attacker should be considered a key component.

Persuasion vs. self-defense

In the field of verbal self-defense, the one element not entirely agreed upon is the concept that verbal defense tactics include the art of persuasion. Several authors clearly proclaim that verbal self-defense is designed as a means for persuading others; however, more recent books on the subject have denounced this commonly accepted fact.

The newer definition of verbal self-defense divides persuasion into a category of its own and states that verbal defense tactics should be more in line with the concept of physical self-defense. This idea, taken from ideologies of martial arts, puts forth the belief that verbal self-defense should only be used with respect to maintaining one's mental and emotional well-being. The position regarding self-protection in a verbal conflict and the further intention to protect the verbal assailant is posited in verbal aikido, which aims at proposing a balanced or collaborative result wherein the attacker may save face.^[4]

Consequences

The requirement for having a means to enforce "consequences" on people as a pre-requisite for effective verbal self-defense still remains questionable. Almost every author on the subject includes ways of handling non-physical aggression without having any repercussions for the attacker in the event the conflict is not solved amicably.

With specific regard to verbal self-defense in schools the concept of having consequences for bullying is considered by some to be key, where others are less focused on punishment and choose, instead, to put more emphasis on dealing with the aggressor in more positive ways.^[5] Although this topic has only recently begun being addressed by experts in this field it remains to be seen to what degree the importance of consequences will have in handling interpersonal conflicts using verbal self-defense.^[6]

Common approaches

Leading authors in the area of verbal self-defense and defensive communication styles offer several different techniques for defusing potentially volatile and/or abusive situations of conflict.

Avoidance

Being aware of situations that will likely lead to verbal conflict or abuse and making an effort to avoid them.

Withdrawing

Once engaged in an argument, situation of conflict, or when being verbally attacked, making an excuse and exiting the area.

Deflecting

Changing topic or focus on the interaction as a means of avoiding any disagreement or negative reaction on the part of the aggressor.

Compromise

Openly offering ideas and seeking ways to placate the attacker and/or their reasons for the abusive communication.

Verbal aikido

A means of communication that is based on the aikido philosophy and martial way, created and propagated by Morihei Ueshiba during the 20th century. It is a style of conflict management and resolution that involves treating the "attacker" as a partner rather than an adversary. The techniques practiced by aikidoka aim at restoring a balanced interpersonal dynamic and/or reaching a positive emotional result in an exchange.^[7]

In a common teaching of this communication style, developed by Luke Archer,^[8] the approach is simplified into three steps:^[9]

Receiving the attack with an "inner smile"^[10] (a serene inner confidence)
Accompanying the attacker with verbal Irimi until destabilization^[11]
Proposing Ai-ki (an energy balance)^[12]

Through the methods and exercises taught in verbal aikido training, the practitioner works on developing a sense of self-control, an assertive style of communication, and the practice of deliberate intention.^[13]

Applications

Developed and taught widely in police academy settings, it finds significant relevance in today's everyday workplace as well as schools, public processing centers, help desks and even mall security level guards. While it may seem counter intuitive, teaching adolescents this valuable skill has shown to reduce frustration in their daily lives as they feel more in control of conflict, while learning how to follow a path to safety and resolution.

Influential contributors

Several people are considered to be significant contributors to the field of verbal self-defense. These include people who were early pioneers to advocate for the importance of verbal defense skills, developers of new techniques for verbally defensive tactics, and internationally recognized and known trainers.

Suzette Haden Elgin (1936–2015), the author of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, was one of the earliest writers to use the term. She states that verbal self-defense defends against the eight most common types of verbal violence, and redirect and defuse potential verbal confrontations.^[14]
George Thompson (1941–2011), author of Verbal Judo, advanced the field of verbal self-defense by breaking down how to apply the techniques for de-escalation and defusing used by professionally trained police officers. He was one of the leading experts in verbal self-defense tactics and trained law-enforcement agencies around the world.^[15]
Daniel Scott, author of Verbal Self Defense for The Workplace, more recently combined self-defense concepts with the language patterns of neuro linguistic programming in order to develop a new form of verbal self-defense. His new six-step model for verbal self-defense includes all the main components necessary for people to defend themselves against bullies and aggressive people in the work place and elsewhere.^[16]

Related Research Articles

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Aikido</span> Modern Japanese martial art

Aikido is a modern Japanese martial art that is split into many different styles, including Iwama Ryu, Iwama Shin Shin Aiki Shuren Kai, Shodokan Aikido, Yoshinkan, Renshinkai, Aikikai and Ki Aikido. Aikido is now practiced in around 140 countries. It was originally developed by Morihei Ueshiba, as a synthesis of his martial studies, philosophy and religious beliefs. Ueshiba's goal was to create an art that practitioners could use to defend themselves while also protecting their attackers from injury. Aikido is often translated as "the way of unifying (with) life energy" or as "the way of harmonious spirit". According to the founder's philosophy, the primary goal in the practice of aikido is to overcome oneself instead of cultivating violence or aggressiveness. Morihei Ueshiba used the phrase masakatsu agatsu katsuhayabi" to refer to this principle.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Krav Maga</span> Israeli martial art

Krav Maga is an Israeli martial art. Developed for the Israel Defense Forces (IDF), it is derived from a combination of techniques used in aikido, judo, karate, boxing, and wrestling. It is known for its focus on real-world situations and its extreme efficiency.

Hapkido is a hybrid Korean martial art. It is a form of self-defense that employs joint locks, grappling, throwing techniques, kicks, punches, and other striking attacks. It also teaches the use of traditional weapons, including knife, sword, rope, nunchaku, cane, short stick, and middle-length staff, gun, and bō (Japanese), which vary in emphasis depending on the particular tradition examined.

Abuse is the improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Abuse can come in many forms, such as: physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, assault, violation, rape, unjust practices, crimes, or other types of aggression. To these descriptions, one can also add the Kantian notion of the wrongness of using another human being as means to an end rather than as ends in themselves. Some sources describe abuse as "socially constructed", which means there may be more or less recognition of the suffering of a victim at different times and societies.

Psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to a behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

Japanese martial arts refers to the variety of martial arts native to the country of Japan. At least three Japanese terms are used interchangeably with the English phrase Japanese martial arts.

Suzette Haden Elgin was an American researcher in experimental linguistics, construction and evolution of languages and poetry and science fiction writer. She founded the Science Fiction Poetry Association and is considered an important figure in the field of science fiction constructed languages. Her best-known non-fiction includes her Verbal Self-Defense series.

Verbal abuse is a type of psychological/mental abuse that involves the use of oral, gestured, and written language directed to a victim. Verbal abuse can include the act of harassing, labeling, insulting, scolding, rebuking, or excessive yelling towards an individual. It can also include the use of derogatory terms, the delivery of statements intended to frighten, humiliate, denigrate, or belittle a person. These kinds of attacks may result in mental and/or emotional distress for the victim.

Workplace bullying is a persistent pattern of mistreatment from others in the workplace that causes either physical or emotional harm. It can include such tactics as verbal, nonverbal, psychological, and physical abuse, as well as humiliation. This type of workplace aggression is particularly difficult because, unlike the typical school bully, workplace bullies often operate within the established rules and policies of their organization and their society. In the majority of cases, bullying in the workplace is reported as having been done by someone who has authority over the victim. However, bullies can also be peers, and subordinates. When subordinates participate in bullying this phenomenon is known as upwards bullying .The least visible segment of workplace bullying involves upwards bullying where bully- ing tactics are manipulated and applied against “the boss,” usually for strategically designed outcomes.

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Thomas H. Makiyama (1928–2005), born in Hawaii, was an aikido teacher and founder of Keijutsukai Aikido and the Keijutsukai International Federation, based in Tokyo. The organization teaches Keijutsukai Aikido and Keijutsu.

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Jujutsu, also known as jiu-jitsu and ju-jitsu, is a family of Japanese martial arts and a system of close combat that can be used in a defensive or offensive manner to kill or subdue one or more weaponless or armed and armored opponents. Jujutsu developed from the warrior class around the 17th century in Japan. It was designed to supplement the swordsmanship of a warrior during combat. A subset of techniques from certain styles of jujutsu were used to develop many modern martial arts and combat sports, such as judo, aikido, sambo, ARB, Brazilian jiu-jitsu, and mixed martial arts. The history of the art during this time is uncertain because teachers kept everything secret to give their art a feeling of importance and then would change the stories of their art to suit their own needs.

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Dominic A. Infante was a communication scholar, professor, and author. In addition to shorter teaching terms at other universities, he served as a professor in The School of Communication Studies at Kent State University for 19 years. Widely known for his research on communication theory and verbal aggressiveness, he was revered as a prolific scholar in the field of communication studies and made a great impact on many of his students and colleagues.

References

↑ Mattingly, Katy (2007). Self-Defense: Steps to Survival. ISBN 9780736066891 . Retrieved July 28, 2010.
↑ Mattingly, Katy (2007). Self-Defense: Steps to Survival. ISBN 9780736066891 . Retrieved July 28, 2010.
↑ Archer, Luke A (2013). Verbal Aikido - Green Belt. USA: Createspace. pp. 101–106. ISBN 9781478198079.
↑ Archer, Luke A. (2013). Verbal Aikido: The art of directing verbal attacks to a balanced outcome. ISBN 978-1-47819-807-9 . Retrieved 2013-06-11.
↑ "Marcia Frid: I Like You, I Like Me, Too!" . Retrieved July 28, 2010.
↑ "Verbal Defense Tactics: Cyber-Bullies Are Above the Law" . Retrieved July 28, 2010.
↑ Pace & Kyeli Smith The usual error Ch.28 - Verbal Aikido (2008)
↑ Verbal Aikdio website
↑ Managing conflict with the Three Steps
↑ What's this Inner Smile about anyway?
↑ Archer, Luke A. (2013). Verbal Aikido - The art of directing verbal attacks to a balanced outcome. USA: Createspace. pp. 35–50. ISBN 9781478198079.
↑ Archer, Luke A. (2013). Verbal Aikido - The art of directing verbal attacks to a balanced outcome. USA: Createspace. pp. 53–62. ISBN 9781478198079.
↑ Archer, Luke A. (2013). Verbal Aikido - The art of directing attacks to a balanced outcome (Green Belt). USA: Createspace. pp. 3–4, 63–65. ISBN 9781478198079.
↑ Elgin, Suzette Haden (1980). The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense. ISBN 9780880292573 . Retrieved July 28, 2010.
↑ George j. Thompson, PhD; Jenkins, Jerry B. (2 March 2004). Verbal Judo. ISBN 9780060577650 . Retrieved July 28, 2010.
↑ Scott, Daniel (3 December 2009). Verbal Self Defense for the Workplace. ISBN 9781907498022 . Retrieved July 28, 2010.