Limerence

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Psyche Revived by Cupid's Kiss, by Antonio Canova, first version 1787-1793 Psyche.jpg
Psyche Revived by Cupid's Kiss , by Antonio Canova, first version 1787–1793

Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated.

Contents

Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term "limerence" as an alteration of the word "amorance" with no other etymology [1] to describe a concept that had grown out of her work in the mid-1960s, when she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love. [2] In her book Love and Limerence, she writes that "to be in a state of limerence is to feel what is usually termed 'being in love.'" [3] She coined the term to distinguish between this and other less-overwhelming emotions [4] and to avoid implying that people who do not experience it cannot experience love. [5]

According to Tennov and others, limerence can be considered a synonym for romantic love, [1] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] passionate love [13] [9] [11] or a form of romantic love. [14]

Anthropologist and author Helen Fisher writes that data collection on romantic attraction began with Love and Limerence, with Tennov collecting survey results, diaries, and other personal accounts. [15] Fisher describes Tennov's limerence as "a suite of psychological traits associated with 'being in love'", part of a biological "attraction system" involved with mate choice in humans. [16] [9]

Limerence is associated with dopamine reward circuits in the brain. [9] [17] [18] [8] [19]

Overview

The concept of limerence "provides a particular carving up of the semantic domain of love", [20] and represents an attempt at a scientific study of the nature of love. [21] Limerence is considered an emotional and motivational state, [9] attachment process [22] [10] or even obsession. [14] [23] Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infatuation, [24] [8] but contrasted as being stronger than a crush. [19] The experience is characterized as happening involuntarily, [25] and involves preoccupation [26] [27] and a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings. [28] [29]

A central feature of limerence for Tennov was the fact that her participants really saw the object of their affection's personal flaws, but simply overlooked them or found them attractive. [30] [27] Tennov calls this "crystallization", after a description by Stendhal in his 1821 treatise On Love. This "crystallized" version of a love object, with accentuated features, is what Tennov calls a "limerent object", or "LO". [31]

For Tennov, sexual desire is an essential aspect of limerence [32] but the desire for emotional commitment is greater. [33] The sexual desires of Tennov's interviewees were overshadowed by their desire for their beloved to contact them, invite them out and reciprocate their passion. [29]

Nicky Hayes describes limerence as "a kind of infatuated, all-absorbing passion". Tennov equated it to the type of love Dante felt towards Beatrice—an individual he met twice in his life and who served as inspiration for La Vita Nuova and the Divine Comedy . It is this unfulfilled, intense longing for the other person which defines limerence, where the individual becomes "more or less obsessed by that person and spends much of their time fantasising about them". Limerence may only last if conditions for the attraction leave it unfulfilled; therefore, occasional, intermittent reinforcement is required to support the underlying feelings. Hayes notes that "it is the unobtainable nature of the goal which makes the feeling so powerful", and that it is not uncommon for those to remain in a state of limerence over someone unreachable for months and even years. [34] A famous literary example of limerence is provided by the unrequited love of Werther for Charlotte in the novel The Sorrows of Young Werther by Goethe.

Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often derided and dismissed as undesirable, some kind of pathology, ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction. [35]

Components

Dorothy Tennov's original components from Love and Limerence were: [36]

Passionate and companionate love

Elaine Hatfield has related limerence to passionate love, considering them synonymous [13] or commenting in 2014 that they're "much the same." [37] She remarks that "Almost all lovers [Tennov interviewed] took it for granted that passionate love (which Tennov labels "limerence") is a bittersweet experience." [13] Hatfield and Walster define passionate love as: [13]

A state of intense longing for union with another. Reciprocated love (union with the other) is associated with fulfillment and ecstasy; unrequited love (separation) is associated with emptiness, anxiety, or despair (p. 9).

Some example components of passionate love are longing for reciprocity, intrusive thinking or preoccupation with the partner, idealization of the other, positive feelings when things go well and negative feelings when things go awry. [13] Passionate love is contrasted with companionate love, which is "the affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply entwined." [13] Companionate love is felt less intensely and often follows after passionate love in a relationship. [11] [37]

Evolutionary theory

In a 1998 essay [38] (as well as in Love and Limerence), [39] Dorothy Tennov has speculated that limerence has an evolutionary purpose. [40]

For what ultimate cause might the state of limerence be a proximate cause? In other words, why were people who became limerent successful, maybe more successful than others, in passing their genes on to succeeding generations back a few hundred thousand or million years ago when heads grew larger and fathers who left mother and child to fend for themselves were less "reproductively successful"—in the long run, that is (Morgan 1993). Did limerence evolve to cement a relationship long enough to get the offspring up and running? [...] The most consistent result of limerence is mating, not merely sexual interaction but also commitment, the establishment of a shared domicile in the form of a cozy nest built for the enjoyment of ecstasy, for reproduction, and for the rearing of children. [41]

Helen Fisher's components of romantic attraction are largely derived from Tennov's components of limerence, [16] and in a similar vein as Tennov, Fisher has theorized that this 'attraction' system evolved to facilitate mammalian mate choice. [16] [9]

A 1998 paper by authors Leckman & Mayes presented a comparison between Tennov's limerence, early-stage parental love and obsessive-compulsive disorder. [12] Adam Bode has incorporated this analysis by Leckman & Mayes in to a theory that romantic love evolved by co-opting the brain systems for mother-infant bonding. [11] [42]

Characteristics

Lovesickness

Sustained yearning can cause significant anguish, especially when unrequited, [43] causing self-isolation [44] and distraction. [45] Tennov describes being under the spell herself, saying "Before it happened, I couldn't have imagined it[.] Now, I wouldn't want to have it happen again." [46] She even encountered interviewees who described incidents of self-injury, [47] but maintains that limerence on its own is normal [48] and tragedies involve additional factors. [49]

Limerence has been related to addiction. [50] [19] Helen Fisher's team draws on brain scan evidence associating romantic love with dopamine [9] [17] [18] and suggests that it's a "positive addiction" when requited and a "negative addiction" when unrequited or inappropriate. [18] Along with activation in the ventral tegmental area which produces dopamine, Fisher's fMRI scans of rejected lovers showed activation in brain areas associated with physical pain, craving and assessing one’s gains and losses. [18]

Intrusive thinking and fantasy

Dorothy Tennov wrote that "Limerence is first and foremost a condition of cognitive obsession." [51]

At the height of obsessive fantasy, people experiencing limerence may spend 85 to nearly 100% of their days and nights doting on the object of their love, lose ability to focus on other tasks and become easily distracted. [27]

According to Tennov, limerent fantasy is unsatisfactory unless rooted in reality, because the fantasizer may want the fantasy to seem realistic and somewhat possible. [52]

Such "intrusive thinking about the LO ... appear[s] to be genetically driven". [53] It has been speculated that being in love may lower serotonin levels in the brain, which could cause the intrusive thinking. [16] [54] The serotonin hypothesis is based in part on a comparison to obsessive-compulsive disorder, [12] [54] but the experimental evidence is ambiguous. [11] A 2021 review by Bode & Kushnick states that: [11]

There is also a need to clarify the role of the serotonin system in romantic love. Similar serotonin transporter density in platelets in people experiencing romantic love and OCD suggests a similar serotonin-related mechanism in both (Marazziti et al., 1999). However, lower serotonin transporter density in platelets is indicative of higher extracellular serotonin levels (Mercado and Kilic, 2010; Jørgensen et al., 2014). This is despite lower levels of serotonin being theorized to contribute to anxiety (Mohammad-Zadeh et al., 2008). One study found lower circulating serotonin levels in men experiencing romantic love than controls and higher levels of circulating levels of serotonin in women experiencing romantic love than controls (Langeslag et al., 2012).

Leckman & Mayes have also drawn a parallel between preoccupation during limerence and maternal preoccupation during and after pregnancy, speculating that they share common neurobiologic systems. [12]

Fear of rejection

Tennov's conception of fear of rejection was characterized by nervous feelings and shyness around LO, "worried that your own actions may bring about disaster." [55] Awkwardness, stammering, confusion and shyness predominate at the behavioral level. [56] She quotes the poet Sappho who writes "Sweat runs down in rivers, a tremor seizes [...] Lost in the love-trance." [57] One of Tennov's interviewees, 28-year-old truck driver, says "It was like what you might call stage fright, like going up in front of an audience. [...] I was awkward as hell." [58] Fisher et al. has suggested that fear in the presence of the beloved is caused by elevated levels of dopamine. [9]

Many of the people Tennov interviewed described being normally confident, but suddenly shy when LO is around, or being only in this state of fear with certain LOs but not others. [59]

Tennov wonders if fear of rejection even serves an evolutionary purpose, by drawing out the courtship process to ensure a greater chance of finding a compatible partner. [60]

Uncertainty and hope

Dorothy Tennov suggested that limerence appears to develop and be sustained by a balance of uncertainty and hope of reciprocation. [61] She writes:

The recognition that some uncertainty must exist has been commented on and complained about by virtually everyone who has undertaken a serious study of the phenomenon of romantic love. Psychologists Ellen Bersheid and Elaine Walster discussed this common observation made, they note, by Socrates, Ovid, the Kama Sutra , and "Dear Abby," that the presentation of a hard-to-get as opposed to an immediately yielding exterior is a help in eliciting passion. [62]

The presence of barriers, what Tennov called intensification through adversity, [63] was crucial to the mutual limerence of Romeo and Juliet. [64] Helen Fisher calls this intensification effect "frustration attraction," [65] [66] and suggests that attraction increases because dopamine levels increase in the brain when an expected reward is delayed. [67] [9] Judson Brewer characterizes the intermittent reinforcement of receiving an occasional message from an LO as "gasoline poured on the fire." [19]

However, uncertainty and mood changes can even just be a matter of perception on the part of the limerent person, rather than there being actual obstacles. [68] A married couple that Tennov interviewed were both in limerence for each other in high school, but unaware, then met again in college but only found out about their mutual limerence in high school after being married for several years. [69] Tennov notes that there were no obstacles to their relationship, but suggests their inaccurate perceptions that each was not interested probably increased their limerence in high school. [70]

Physiology

The physiological effects of limerence can include trembling, pallor, flushing, a general weakness, sweating, butterflies in the stomach and a pounding heart. [71] [25]

Tennov wrote that the sensation of limerence is associated primarily with the heart, even speculating that intrusive thinking results in mutual feedback where thinking of LO causes an increase in heart rate, which in turn changes thought patterns. [72] She says:

When I asked interviewees in the throes of the limerent condition to tell where they felt the sensation of limerence, they pointed unerringly to the midpoint in their chest. So consistently did this occur that it would seem to be another indication that the state described is indeed limerence, not affection (described by some as located "all over," or even in "the arms" when held out in a gesture of embrace) or in sexual feelings (located, appropriately enough, in the genitals). [73]

Limerence results in sustained alertness and excess energy, with the limerent person ever ready to perceive LO's subtleties and analyze their importance. [74]

Sexuality

In Dorothy Tennov's conception, sexual attraction was an essential component of limerence, although she noted that occasionally people described attractions to her which fit the overall pattern of limerence but did not involve sexual attraction. [75] However, limerence is not the same as sexual attraction, [76] and sex is not the central focus of limerence. [77] When in limerence, "emotional union trumps sexual desire." [78] Tennov stresses that "the most consistent result of limerence is mating, not merely sexual interaction but also commitment, the establishment of a shared domicile." [79] [80]

Tennov drew distinctions between limerent fantasies and sexual fantasies. [81] Limerent fantasies, she says, are grounded in a possible reality, however unlikely, and actually desired to come true. However, sexual fantasies may involve entirely imaginative situations, and may not actually be desired in reality. [82] People also have more voluntary control over their sexual fantasies than their limerent ones, which are more intrusive. [83]

Loneliness

Shaver and Hazan observed that those suffering from loneliness are significantly more susceptible to limerence, [84] arguing that "if people have a large number of unmet social needs, and are not aware of this, then a sign that someone else might be interested is easily built up in that person's imagination into far more than the friendly social contact that it might have been. By dwelling on the memory of that social contact, the lonely person comes to magnify it into a deep emotional experience, which may be quite different from the reality of the event." [85]

Duration

Tennov estimates, based on both questionnaire and interview data, that limerence most commonly lasts between 18 months and three years with an average of two years, [86] but may be as short as mere days [87] or as long as a lifetime. [86] Duration may be related to the perception of reciprocity [87] and shorter limerence may be less intense. [86]

According to a HuffPost opinion blog by David Sack, an addiction psychiatrist, limerence lasts longer than romantic love, but is shorter than a committed partnership. [88] However, Tennov and others considered limerence as a synonym with romantic love [6] [7] [8] [9] [11] and others in peer-reviewed material suggest that Tennov's estimate is a normal duration of romantic love. [11] Still others suggest that "the biogenetic sourcing of limerence determines its limitation, ordinarily, to a two-year span". [89]

Tennov notes that feelings may evolve over the duration of a relationship: "Those whose limerence was replaced by affectional bonding with the same partner might say, 'We were very much in love when we married; today we love each other very much'". [90] The distinction is comparable to that drawn by ethologists "between the pair-forming and pair-maintaining functions of sexual activity", [91] just as "the attachment of the attachment theorists is very similar to the emotional reciprocation longed for in Tennov's limerence". [92]

Controversy

In the 1999 preface to her revised edition of Love and Limerence, Dorothy Tennov describes limerence as an aspect of basic human nature and remarks "Reaction to limerence theory depends partly on acquaintance with the evidence for it and partly on personal experience. People who have not experienced limerence are baffled by descriptions of it and are often resistant to the evidence that it exists. To such outside observers, limerence seems pathological." [33]

In 2008, Albert Wakin, a professor who knew Tennov at the University of Bridgeport but did not assist in her research, and Duyen Vo, a graduate student, suggested that limerence is similar to obsessive-compulsive disorder and substance use disorder. They presented work on this to the American Association of Behavioral and Social Sciences, but suggested that much more research is needed before it could be suggested to the APA that limerence be included in the DSM . They began conducting a study in 2008 but have not published results. [7]

Helen Fisher has commented on Wakin & Vo in 2008, stating that limerence is romantic love and that "They are associating the negative aspects of it with the term, and that can be a disorder." [7] Fisher has proposed that romantic love is a "natural addiction" which can be either positive or negative depending on the situation. [18]

Tennov states that limerence is normal [93] and reports that even those of her interviewees who experienced obsessive, distressing, unrequited limerence were "fully functioning, rational, emotionally stable, normal, nonneurotic, nonpathological members of society" and "could be characterized as responsible and quite sane". She suggests that limerence is too often interpreted as "mental illness" in psychiatry. Tragedies such as violence, she says, involve limerence when it's "augmented and distorted" by other conditions, which she contrasts with "pure limerence". [94]

See also

Related Research Articles

Love encompasses a range of strong and positive emotional and mental states, from the most sublime virtue or good habit, the deepest interpersonal affection, to the simplest pleasure. An example of this range of meanings is that the love of a mother differs from the love of a spouse, which differs from the love for food. Most commonly, love refers to a feeling of strong attraction and emotional attachment.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Romance (love)</span> Type of love that focuses on feelings

Romance or romantic love is a feeling of love for, or a strong attraction towards another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Kleptomania</span> Inability to resist the urge to steal

Kleptomania is the inability to resist the urge to steal items, usually for reasons other than personal use or financial gain. First described in 1816, kleptomania is classified in psychiatry as an impulse control disorder. Some of the main characteristics of the disorder suggest that kleptomania could be an obsessive-compulsive spectrum disorder, but also share similarities with addictive and mood disorders.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Infatuation</span> Intense but shallow attraction

Infatuation or being smitten is the state of being carried away by an unreasoned passion, usually towards another person for whom one has developed strong romantic feelings. Psychologist Frank D. Cox says that infatuation can be distinguished from romantic love only when looking back on a particular case of being attracted to a person. Infatuation may also develop into a mature love. Goldstein and Brandon describe infatuation as the first stage of a relationship before developing into a mature intimacy. Whereas love is "a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion to another person", infatuation is "a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something", a shallower "honeymoon phase" in a relationship. Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist, states that infatuation usually occurs at the start of relationships, is "...usually marked by a sense of excitement and euphoria, and it's often accompanied by lust and a feeling of newness and rapid expansion with a person". Phillips describes how the illusions of infatuations inevitably lead to disappointment when learning the truth about a lover. Adolescents often make people an object of extravagant, short-lived passion or temporary love.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Passion (emotion)</span> Feeling of intense enthusiasm towards or compelling desire for someone or something

Passion denotes strong and intractable or barely controllable emotion or inclination with respect to a particular person or thing. Passion can range from eager interest in, or admiration for, an idea, proposal, or cause; to enthusiastic enjoyment of an interest or activity; to strong attraction, excitement, or emotion towards a person. It is particularly used in the context of romance or sexual desire, though it generally implies a deeper or more encompassing emotion than that implied by the term lust, often incorporating ideas of ecstasy and/or suffering.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Falling in love</span> Process of developing strong feelings of attachment and love

Falling in love is the development of strong feelings of attachment and love, usually towards another person.

Lovesickness refers to an affliction that can produce negative feelings when deeply in love, during the absence of a loved one or when love is unrequited.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Helen Fisher (anthropologist)</span> Canadian anthropologist (born 1945)

Helen Elizabeth Fisher is an American anthropologist, human behaviour researcher, and self-help author. She is a biological anthropologist, is a senior research fellow, at The Kinsey Institute, Indiana University, and a member of the Center For Human Evolutionary Studies in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. Prior to Rutgers University, she was a research associate at the American Museum of Natural History in New York City.

Dorothy Jane Tennow, known as Dorothy Tennov, was an American psychologist who, in her 1979 book Love and Limerence – the Experience of Being in Love introduced the term "limerence". During her years of research into romantic love experiences, she obtained thousands of personal testimonies from questionnaires, interviews, and letters from readers of her writing, in an attempt to support her hypothesis that a distinct and involuntary psychological state occurs identically among otherwise normal persons across cultures, educational level, gender, and other traits. Tennov emphasized that her data consist entirely of verbal reports by volunteers who reported their love experiences.

The biology of romantic love has been explored by such biological sciences as evolutionary psychology, evolutionary biology, anthropology and neuroscience. Specific chemical substances such as oxytocin and dopamine are studied in the context of their roles in producing human experiences, emotions and behaviors that are associated with romantic love.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Intrusive thought</span> Unwelcome involuntary thought, image or idea

An intrusive thought is an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate. When such thoughts are associated with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), Tourette's syndrome (TS), depression, body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), and sometimes attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), the thoughts may become paralyzing, anxiety-provoking, or persistent. Intrusive thoughts may also be associated with episodic memory, unwanted worries or memories from OCD, post-traumatic stress disorder, other anxiety disorders, eating disorders, or psychosis. Intrusive thoughts, urges, and images are of inappropriate things at inappropriate times, and generally have aggressive, sexual, or blasphemous themes.

Obsessive love or obsessive love disorder (OLD) is a proposed condition in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess and protect another person, sometimes with an inability to accept failure or rejection. Symptoms include an inability to tolerate any time spent without that person, obsessive fantasies surrounding the person, and spending inordinate amounts of time seeking out, making, or looking at images of that person.

New relationship energy also commonly known as Honeymoon Phase is a state of mind experienced at the beginning of sexual and romantic relationships, typically involving heightened emotional and sexual feelings and excitement. NRE begins with the earliest attractions, may grow into full force when mutuality is established, and can fade over months or years. The term indicates contrast to those feelings aroused in an "old" or ongoing relationship.

Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and pure affection, or may consciously reject it knowing that the admirer admires them. Merriam-Webster defines unrequited as "not reciprocated or returned in kind".

The reward theory of attraction claims that people are attracted to individuals exhibiting behaviors that are rewarding to them or whom they associate with rewarding events. Individuals seek to develop strong relationships with those who provide positive and fulfilling interactions that require little to nothing in return.

Definitions of sexual desire are broad and understandings of sexual desire are subjective. However, the development of various ways of measuring the construct allows for extensive research to be conducted that facilitates the investigation of influences of sexual desire. Particular differences have been observed between the sexes in terms of understanding sexual desire both with regard to one's own sexual desires, as well as what others desire sexually. These beliefs and understandings all contribute to how people behave and interact with others, particularly in terms of various types of intimate relationships.

Even though intimacy has been broadly defined in terms of romantic love and sexual desire, the neuroanatomy of intimacy needs further explanation in order to fully understand their neurological functions in different components within intimate relationships, which are romantic love, lust, attachment, and rejection in love. Also, known functions of the neuroanatomy involved can be applied to observations seen in people who are experiencing any of the stages in intimacy. Research analysis of these systems provide insight on the biological basis of intimacy, but the neurological aspect must be considered as well in areas that require special attention to mitigate issues in intimacy, such as violence against a beloved partner or problems with social bonding.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Colour wheel theory of love</span> Idea created by psychologist John Alan Lee

The colour wheel theory of love is an idea created by the Canadian psychologist John Alan Lee that describes six love styles, using several Latin and Greek words for love. First introduced in his book Colours of Love: An Exploration of the Ways of Loving (1973), Lee defines three primary, three secondary, and nine tertiary love styles, describing them in the traditional colour wheel. The three primary types are Eros, Ludus, and Storge, and the three secondary types are Mania, Pragma, and Agape.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Split attraction model</span> Discordance between sexual and romantic attraction

The split attraction model (SAM) is a model in psychology that distinguishes between a person's romantic and sexual attraction, allowing the two to be different from each other.

In the psychological literature, a distinction is often made between two types of love. Hatfield and Walster define:

References

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