Ted and Dougal see feminist musician Niamh Connolly – a thinly veiled parody of Sinéad O'Connor – on the television, accusing the Catholic Church of multiple atrocious but highly improbable acts during the Great Famine, such as shutting the "potato factories" and turning them into children's prisons. She then sings a radically feminist, anti-clerical song ("Big men in frocks / Tellin' us what to do / They can't get pregnant like I do") with the lyrics signed for TV viewers. Ted and Dougal loudly dismiss all of this. Meanwhile, Mrs Doyle declares that the Church has always been good to her, while she is preoccupied with various heavy labour tasks around the parochial house in addition to her regular housework, as the men relax in front of the television.
Ted is asked to be a judge in the Lovely Girls competition, and Jack comes along for the day. Due to Jack's atypical long hair, he resembles Bob Geldof and proceeds to imitate him by beginning a collection for Live Aid – any proceeds going directly to Jack himself. When Ted finds out, he tells off Jack asking, "What would Queen think, and Peter Gabriel and all those acts who were on earlier in the day? And what about Phil Collins flying all the way from Boston?", prompting a vicious punch in the stomach by Jack.
This results in Ted showing up at the contest breathing heavily as he welcomes the girls. The contest revolves around various self-parodying imitations of typical events (sandwich construction, walking, laughing) with Imelda ultimately deemed the winner by Ted. Her prize is a meal with Ted in Craggy Island's top seafood Thai restaurant, The Thai Cottage, out of her own wallet.
While Ted is out, Niamh Connolly comes to visit. Dougal invites her in and (technically following some advice Ted gave him) asks her if she would like to remove her bra, even offering to make tea while she takes her bra off. He then attempts to make a cup of tea for her but concedes defeat with Mrs Doyle busy elsewhere.
When Ted returns, he is dismayed to discover that Dougal has managed to sign over the parochial house to Niamh behind his back. Niamh asks Ted and Dougal to leave; this is further strongly encouraged by her two bodyguards. Spending the night in a tent outside the house, Ted asked Dougal how he let this happen. Dougal says he was following Ted's instructions about dealing with women: He had tried to talk about clothes and make her comfortable (by asking her to remove her bra) and he had given her what she had wanted (the house). Ted leaves a pen and notebook outside the tent, in the hope that God will write the answer to their problem overnight.
As expected, this does not happen, so Ted returns to the house and negotiates with Niamh. Just as he is telling her about the "good work" that goes on in the parish, another priest comes in, asking Ted which dress he prefers out of two he has in his arms. Niamh does not know the dresses are for Imelda, and thinks the priest is going to wear them himself. Ted says the dresses are both equally good, and after the priest gratefully departs, he tells Niamh that Craggy Island is a place where priests who lead all sorts of lifestyles can live free from hypocrisy and intolerance.
A noise is heard upstairs, and Jack comes barging into the room. He sees Niamh and yells "Woman!" before Ted pushes him out of the room and hastily attempts to disguise this sudden intrusion as "Father Billy" expressing his positive views on women priests. Jack is seen at the window behind Niamh leering lustily at her. Imploring Niamh to return the house, Ted makes the mistake of saying he is a huge fan who has all her records; she agrees to give him back the house as soon as she has signed all the records.
Niamh Connolly on Craggy Island
Ted rushes off to John and Mary's shop where he luckily finds most of her discography. Whilst Niamh is signing them, an exhausted Mrs Doyle appears saying that she has finished with the pipes and she will get on with the rest of her chores, even though she is visibly worn out. Ted interrupts in an attempt to save the day but is hit across the chest by the pile of records thrown by Niamh.
The next scene shows Imelda, Niamh and Mrs Doyle dining in the Thai restaurant. Mrs Doyle is agitated about having left the priests home alone, but Niamh urges her to enjoy herself. She reveals she has returned the house to Ted and Dougal in return for Mrs Doyle having one night off every week and urges the other two to relax and enjoy themselves as there are "no men around, sisters, we can do as we like." However, as Mrs Doyle nervously attempts to use her chopsticks to pick up a bite of food, Niamh suddenly erupts in fury, screaming "Is that meat??!" Mrs. Doyle is utterly discomfited. Imelda inquires with bafflement, "Do I still have to pay for this?"
The credits roll and Ted and Dougal are shown in the kitchen struggling to put out a fire which has broken out. Ted screams, "I just want a cup of tea!" and the pair break down in tears.
Trivia
The Lovely Girls competition is a parody of The Rose of Tralee competition, which takes place every August in Tralee, County Kerry. A contest called "The Lovely Girls" existed during the 1950s in Butlin's Mosney holiday camp which, as in the episode, was held in a tent with the contestants dressing in a similar way.
Father Ted is a sitcom created by Irish writers Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews and produced by British production company Hat Trick Productions for British television channel Channel 4. It aired over three series from 21 April 1995 until 1 May 1998, including a Christmas special, for a total of 25 episodes. It aired on Nine Network and ABC Television in Australia, and on TV2 in New Zealand.
Father Ted Crilly is the eponymous main character of the British Channel 4 situation comedy Father Ted. Created by Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews, Ted was portrayed by comedian Dermot Morgan for the programme's three series. The character is a morally dubious Roman Catholic priest exiled to Craggy Island, a small island off the coast of Galway in Ireland.
"Good Luck, Father Ted" is the first episode to be aired of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted. It first aired in the United Kingdom & Republic of Ireland on 21 April 1995.
"The Passion of Saint Tibulus" is the third episode of the first series of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted. Originally airing in 1995, the episode was rebroadcast on BBC2 in 2008 in tribute to Geoffrey Perkins.
"Competition Time" is the fourth episode of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted.
"And God Created Woman" is the 5th episode of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted. It is named after the 1956 film And God Created Woman.
"Cigarettes and Alcohol and Rollerblading" is the eighth episode of the second series of Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the fourteenth episode overall.
"Escape from Victory" is the fifth episode of the third series of Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the 22nd episode overall. It is the first of two episodes that form a linked narrative, ending with "Kicking Bishop Brennan Up the Arse".
"Flight Into Terror" is the 10th episode of the second series of Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the 16th episode overall.
"Kicking Bishop Brennan Up the Arse" is the sixth episode of the third series of the religion-themed sitcom Father Ted, and the 23rd episode overall. It originally aired on Channel 4 on 17 April 1998; its story continues from the previous episode, "Escape from Victory". In the episode, Father Ted Crilly must kick his strict and overbearing superior Bishop Brennan in the buttocks as a forfeit set in the previous episode by Father Dick Byrne for cheating at a football match.
"Going to America" is the series finale of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted. It is the eighth episode of the third series, and the 25th episode overall. Dermot Morgan, who played the show's title character, died the day after filming was completed.
"Speed 3" is the third episode of the third series of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the 20th episode overall. The episode parodies the action-thriller film Speed and the sequel Speed 2: Cruise Control. "Speed 3" was written after the show's writers Graham Linehan and Arthur Mathews asked themselves: "How can we make a worse sequel than Speed 2?" This episode was voted the fans' favourite episode on Channel 4's "Father Ted Night".
"A Christmassy Ted" is both the 17th episode overall of and a Christmas special for the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted. This episode was broadcast on Christmas Eve 1996, between the second and third series, with a runtime of 55 minutes. Due to the popularity of this episode, it still gets repeated on Channel 4, RTÉ2 and More4 around Christmas every year. This was the last episode of Father Ted to be broadcast during the lifetime of Dermot Morgan, who played the series' titular priest, Father Ted Crilly. Morgan died suddenly of a heart attack in February 1998, the day after filming of the third series had been completed.
Grant Unto Him Eternal Rest is the sixth episode of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the season one finale. It was the first episode to be scripted and submitted by the writers.
"New Jack City" is the ninth episode of the second series of the Channel 4 television sitcom Father Ted.
"Are You Right There Father Ted?" is the first episode of the third series of the Channel 4 television sitcom Father Ted, and the 18th episode overall. It is notable for being the first episode aired after the death of Dermot Morgan, who had died the day after filming for the final episode had been completed. As a mark of respect to Morgan, the original transmission of the first episode was delayed by a week.
"The Mainland" is the fourth episode of the third series of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted and the 21st episode overall. It was first broadcast on 3 April 1998.
"Night of the Nearly Dead" is the seventh, and penultimate, episode of the third and final series of the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted. The episode's title and some of the scenes are a parody on the movie Night of the Living Dead.
Craggy Island is a fictional island, supposedly off the west coast of Ireland, which serves as the primary setting for the Channel 4 sitcom Father Ted. Craggy Island Parochial House is located on the island, which is the home of three Catholic priests – Father Ted Crilly, Father Dougal McGuire and Father Jack Hackett – as well as their housekeeper Mrs Doyle. It is mentioned the Irish state have given the British government permission to use the island's coast as a dumping ground for nuclear waste.
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