The Ethical Slut

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The Ethical Slut
The Ethical Slut (first edition).jpeg
Cover of the first edition
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The Ethical Slut is a self-help book about non-monogamy written by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. In the book, Easton and Hardy discuss non-monogamy as a concept and a practice, and explore sexual practices and common challenges in non-monogamous relationships.

Contents

The book was first published in 1997 by Greenery Press, which Hardy founded, under the title The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. Hardy used the pseudonym "Catherine A. Liszt" for the first edition. Revised and updated editions were published in 2009 and 2017, with updated subtitles.

The Ethical Slut is widely read by non-monogamous and polyamorous people. More than 200,000 copies have been sold, and the book has been analyzed and reviewed in an academic context.

Background

In 1969, Dossie Easton left a traumatic relationship shortly after giving birth to a daughter. [1] Easton joined a queer community in San Francisco, where she taught sex education classes and workshops for the San Francisco Sex Organization beginning with a class on "unlearning jealousy" in 1973. [1] [2] She was a founding member of the Society of Janus, a BDSM group in San Francisco, [3] and is also a psychotherapist. [4] In 1988, Janet Hardy left a 13-year marriage, having decided she wanted to be non-monogamous. [2] In 1991, she founded Greenery Press, a publisher focused on "adult sexuality". [1] Easton and Hardy met in 1992 through the Society of Janus, where Easton was teaching a class on "Pain Play with Canes" and Hardy volunteered to help with a demonstration; [5] the two began a relationship as co-authors as well as friends and lovers. Both women identify as queer and polyamorous. [2]

In 1994, Hardy had influenza leading to bronchitis, and watched Indecent Proposal while she was bedridden. At one point in the movie, an attractive billionaire offers a married couple one million dollars in exchange for one night with the woman in the relationship. Hardy was shocked by the couple's hesitation. The experience led her to realize her alienation from "mainstream sexual ethics", and she contacted Hardy; the two began working on a book about non-monogamy. The authors drew on their own experiences while writing the book. Easton wanted to reappropriate the word slut. [5]

The Ethical Slut was the third book Easton and Hardy wrote together; their first two focused on kink and reached a relatively small readership. [5] Their other works include When Someone You Love is Kinky, The New Bottoming Book, The New Topping Book, and Radical Ecstasy. [3]

Publication

The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities was written by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, [5] the latter using the pseudonym "Catherine A. Liszt" for the first edition. It was published in 1997 by Greenery Press. [3] [5]

A second edition, titled The Ethical Slut. A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures, was published in 2009. [6] Promotional blurbs were provided by Deborah Anapol, Betty Dodson, Stan Dale, and Ryam Nearing. [7]

A third edition was published on August 15, 2017 by Ten Speed Press. The third edition used the title The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love. [8] The republication marked the 20th anniversary of the book. It was updated to address cultural and technological developments including gender variance and dating apps, [2] as well as biographical information about early polyamorous people and Black polyamorous activism. [5]

The Ethical Slut was translated into Spanish by Miguel Vagalume, a member of Golfxs con Principios, a Spanish group named after the book and focused on "non-conventional sex". [6]

Synopsis

The Ethical Slut is a self-help book [9] intended as a guide to non-monogamy. It is divided into four sections. Each section includes exercises to help the reader explore relevant concepts. [2] The book is written in casual language, intended to make it accessible and to avoid medicalizing or othering. [5]

"Welcome"

The first section of the book, titled "Welcome", [10] is an overview of non-monogamy as a concept. In this section, Easton and Hardy define a slut as "a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you", [11] and encourage the reader to embrace and explore their desires. They state that an "ethical slut" must care for and communicate with their partner or partners, regardless of the degree of commitment in any given relationship, [2] and discuss other relevant values and ethics. [7] They also note that non-monogamy is not a new phenomenon. [12]

"The Practice of Sluthood"

The second section, titled "The Practice of Sluthood", [13] argues against thinking of intimacy and love as scarce resources in a "starvation economy". The authors suggest that this mindset is the cause of fear and possessiveness in relationships. [2] They also discuss boundaries and jealousy. [7]

"Navigating Challenges"

The third section is titled "Navigating Challenges". [14] In this section, Easton and Hardy discuss strategies for dealing with jealousy and insecurity as well as conflict resolution. [2] They additionally describe difficulties non-monogamous people may have with the government, including legal and health issues as well as parenting. [7]

"Sluts in Love"

The fourth and final section, "Sluts in Love", [15] focuses on sexual practices in non-monogamy. Topics include swinging and open relationships, the status of single people in non-monogamy, and group sex. The authors also advocate that people should be clear about their desires during sex [2] and discuss methods of finding sexual and relationship partners. [7]

Reception

The Ethical Slut has become a widely used resource for non-monogamous and polyamorous people. [2] [4] As of 2023, more than 200,000 copies had been sold since the book was first published in 1997. [2] In 2018, Hardy told The Guardian that non-monogamy was rapidly becoming more accepted among young people. [2]

In academia

A 2001 analysis of sexual politics in Continuum described The Ethical Slut as operating "within an entirely different paradigm" compared to common sexual liberation efforts of the 1980s, which had focused on the pursuit of "scientific knowledge" to support their arguments. Instead, the author argued that Easton and Hardy incorporated "a major shift or relocation of subjective sexual ‘truth’ from fixed sexual identities to fluid, changeable sexual practices". He suggested that this view aligned The Ethical Slut with Michel Foucault's assertion that the goal of sexual liberation should be to "use one’s sexuality henceforth to arrive at a multiplicity of relationships" rather than "discover in oneself the truth of one’s sex". [9]

In the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, a reviewer found The Ethical Slut "the best book on relationships that I have ever read". [7]

Various reviews and discussions have compared The Ethical Slut to books by Deborah Anapol, including Love Without Limits and Polyamory in the 21st Century. [16] [17] [18] A book review in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy described The Ethical Slut and Love Without Limits as "twin cornerstones of modern consensual nonmonogamy" and characterized them as opposite ends of a spectrum of non-monogamy. [17] According to the review, Anapol generally focused on "intimate, long-term relationships" within polyamory in contrast with The Ethical Slut's focus on "more open relational style and free sexuality". [18] Easton has described Love Without Limits as "a perfectly good book - if a bit more conservative than ours". [1]

A review in the Journal of Bisexuality analyzed Love Without Limits and The Ethical Slut alongside Loving More by Ryam Nearing. [19] The author praised all three books' balanced discussion of "Paradigms, Principles and Practicalities", [20] and stated that the authors of all three were "aware that their experiences are not universal". [21]

In 2023, Andrea Waling wrote about The Ethical Slut in The Conversation. Waling praised the book's advocacy of "developing genuine, consensual connections through communication and honesty". She criticized the description of the "starvation economy" as merely conceptual, noting that people can and do withhold affection in their relationships. She argued that Easton and Hardy present monogamy in an unduly negative way, and also critiqued "universal assumptions about people’s experiences" including the authors' approach to dealing with emotions and their characterization of compersion. [2]

Related Research Articles

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Polyamory</span> Intimacy for multiple partners

Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, romantic relationships with more than one partner at the same time, with the informed consent of all partners involved. People who identify as polyamorous may believe in open relationships with a conscious management of jealousy and reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity (monogamy) are prerequisite for deep, committed, long-term, loving relationships. Others prefer to restrict their sexual activity to only members of the group, a closed polyamorous relationship that is usually referred to as polyfidelity.

Open marriage is a form of non-monogamy in which the partners of a dyadic marriage agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual or romantic relationships, without this being regarded by them as infidelity, and consider or establish an open relationship despite the implied monogamy of marriage. There are variant forms of open marriage such as swinging and polyamory, each with the partners having varying levels of input into their spouse's activities.

Polyfidelity is a form of non-monogamy, a romantic relationship structure in which all members are considered equal partners and agree to restrict sexual and/or romantic activity only to other members of the group.

Slut is an English-language term for a person, usually a woman, who is sexually promiscuous or considered to have loose sexual morals. It is predominately used as an insult, sexual slur or offensive term of disparagement. It originally meant "a dirty, slovenly woman", and is rarely used to refer to men, generally requiring clarification by use of the terms male slut or man whore.

An open relationship is an intimate relationship that is sexually non-monogamous. The term is distinct from polyamory, in that it generally indicates a relationship where there is a primary emotional and intimate relationship between two partners, who agree to at least the possibility of sexual or emotional intimacy with other people.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Dossie Easton</span> American author and family therapist

Dorothy "Dossie" Easton, who has also written under the name Scarlet Woman, is an American author and family therapist based in San Francisco, California. She is polyamorous and lives in West Marin, California.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Greenery Press</span>

Greenery Press is a publishing house based in Emeryville, California, specializing in books on BDSM and polyamory, with over 50 titles in print. Most titles are non-fiction, but a smaller number of fiction titles and memoirs are published under the Grass Stain Press name. Greenery's sales top 100,000 books per year.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Janet Hardy</span> American writer and sex educator

Janet W. Hardy is an American writer and sex educator, and founder of Greenery Press. She has also been published as Catherine A. Liszt and Lady Green. She is the author or co-author of eleven books, and frequently collaborates with Dossie Easton.

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for every practice or philosophy of non-dyadic intimate relationship that does not strictly hew to the standards of monogamy, particularly that of having only one person with whom to exchange sex, love, and/or affection. In that sense, "nonmonogamy" may be accurately applied to extramarital sex, group marriage, or polyamory. It is not synonymous with infidelity, since all parties are consenting to the relationship structure, partners are often committed to each other as well as to their other partners and cheating is still considered problematic behavior with many non-monogamous relationships.

Terminology within polyamory looks at the evolution and meaning of the word "polyamory" itself, as well as alternative definitions and concepts which closely relate to it.

Deborah Taj Anapol (1951–2015) was an American clinical psychologist and one of the founders of the polyamory movement, which started in the 1980s. Known for her work in erotic spirituality, ecosex, neotantra and Pelvic-Heart Integration, she was an advocate for multiple love and sacred sexuality. Her work made early use of the Internet to gather and organize like-minded people. She was also the co-founder of the magazine Loving More and its conferences. She wrote one of the first books on polyamory, Love Without Limits (1992); which was expanded and reissued as Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits, in 1997. An expert columnist for Psychology Today, she blogged at "Love Without Limits, Reports from the relationship frontier."

Relationship anarchy is the application of anarchist principles to intimate relationships. Its values include autonomy, anti-hierarchical practices, anti-normativity, and community interdependence. RA is explicitly anti-amatonormative and anti-mononormative and is commonly, but not always, non-monogamous. This is distinct from polyamory, solo poly, swinging, and other forms of “dating”, which may include structures such as amatonormativity, hierarchy of intimate relationships, and autonomy-limiting rules. It has also been interpreted as a new paradigm in which closeness and autonomy are no longer considered to create dilemmas within a relationship.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Meg-John Barker</span> British writer and independent scholar

Meg-John Barker is a writer, writing mentor, creative consultant, speaker, and independent scholar. They have written a number of anti self-help books on the topics of relationships, sex, and gender, as well as the graphic non-fiction books, Queer: A Graphic History and Gender: A Graphic Guide, and the book The Psychology of Sex. They are the writer of the relationships book and blog Rewriting the Rules, and they have a podcast with sex educator Justin Hancock.

<i>More Than Two</i> 2014 non-fiction book by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory is a non-fiction book about consensual non-monogamous relationships, written by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. The foreword to the first printing was written by Janet Hardy, co-author of The Ethical Slut. A new foreword by Jessica Fern, author of Polysecure, was added to the eighth printing in 2022. In February 2024, Rickert announced that a new edition would be published that September, with new co-authored Andrea Zanin. The book shares the same name as, but no content with, Veaux's website MoreThanTwo.com, which he launched in 1997 under the name Xeromag as a resource about polyamory, and with Rickert's website MoreThanTwo.ca. "More Than Two" is also the name of a series of books on consensual nonmonogamy curated by Rickert. Thornapple Press, Rickert's publishing company and the publisher of More Than Two and More Than Two Essentials, holds trademarks in the name. In January 2023, the Relationship Bill of Rights from More Than Two was released into the public domain.

Amatonormativity is the set of societal assumptions that everyone prospers with an exclusive romantic relationship. Elizabeth Brake coined the neologism to capture societal assumptions about romance. Brake wanted to describe the pressure she received by many to prioritize marriage in her own life when she did not want to. Amatonormativity extends beyond social pressures for marriage to include general pressures involving romance.

Polyamory is a relationship orientation that is practiced by a minority of the population in the United States, about 4 to 5 percent. According to a 2016 study, 20 percent of singles in the US have attempted some form of consensual non-monogamy at some point of their lives, such as polyamory or open relationships. In a study, polyamorous couples tend to identify as bisexual and pansexual.

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM), also known as ethical non-monogamy (ENM), is an umbrella term for relationships in which all partners give explicit consent to engage in romantic, intimate, and/or sexual relationships with multiple people. Consensual non-monogamy differs from infidelity by the knowledge and consent of those involved, and from polygamy by the various partners not being in a single marriage. Common forms of consensual non-monogamy include swinging, polyamory, and open relationships.

Queerplatonic relationships (QPR) and queerplatonic partnerships (QPP) are committed intimate relationships which are not romantic in nature. They may differ from usual close friendships by having more explicit commitment, validation, status, structure, and norms, similar to a conventional romantic relationship. The concept originates in aromantic and asexual spaces in the LGBT community. Like romantic relationships, queerplatonic relationships are sometimes said to involve a deeper and more profound emotional connection than typical friendship.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Mononormativity</span> Social assumption of monogamous normativity

Mononormativity or mono-normativity is the normative assumption that monogamy is healthier or more natural than ethical non-monogamy, as well as the societal enforcement of such an assumption. It has been widely tied to various forms of discrimination or bias against polyamory.

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