Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep affection, or may consciously reject it due to lack or interest in the lover, already having a partner, or something else.
Psychiatrist Eric Berne said in his 1970 book Sex in Human Loving that "Some say that one-sided love is better than none, but like half a loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and moldy sooner."[1] Unrequited love stands in contrast to redamancy, the act of reciprocal love, which tends to be the case.[2]
Analysis
According to legend, the Greek poet Sappho fell from a rock out of unrequited love for the ferryman Phaon. Painting by Ernst Stückelberg, 1897.
Route to unrequited love
According to Dr. Roy Baumeister, what makes a person desirable is a complex and highly personal mix of many qualities and traits. Falling for someone who is much more desirable than oneself — whether because of physical beauty or attributes like charm, intelligence, wit or status — Baumeister calls "prone to find [its] love unrequited" and states that such relationships will not last.[3]
"Platonic friendships provide a fertile soil for unrequited love."[4] Thus the object of unrequited love is often a friend or acquaintance, someone regularly encountered in the workplace, during the course of work, school or other activities involving large groups of people. This creates an awkward situation in which the admirer has difficulty in expressing their true feelings, a fear that revelation of feelings might invite rejection, cause embarrassment or might end all access to the beloved, as a romantic relationship may be inconsistent with the existing association.
Rejectors
"There are two bad sides to unrequited love, but only one is made familiar by our culture"[5] – that of the lover, not the rejector. In fact, research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions exceeding those of the suitor, including anxiety, frustration, and guilt.[3] As Freud pointed out, "when a woman sues for love, to reject and refuse is a distressing part for a man to play".[6]
Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble, an unselfish and stoic willingness to accept suffering. Literary and artistic depictions of unrequited love may depend on assumptions of social distance that have less relevance in western, democratic societies with relatively high social mobility and less rigid codes of sexual fidelity. Nonetheless, the literary record suggests a degree of euphoria in the feelings associated with unrequited love, which has the advantage as well of carrying none of the responsibilities of mutual relationships: certainly, "rejection, apparent or real, may be the catalyst for inspired literary creation... 'the poetry of frustration'."[7]
Eric Berne considered that "the man who is loved by a woman is lucky indeed, but the one to be envied is he who loves, however little he gets in return. How much greater is Dante gazing at Beatrice than Beatrice walking by him in apparent disdain."[8]
"Remedies"
Roman poet Ovid in his Remedia Amoris "provides advice on how to overcome inappropriate or unrequited love. The solutions offered include travel, teetotalism, bucolic pursuits, and ironically, avoidance of love poets".[9]
Cultural examples
A wrapped, unopened Valentine's Day gift with heart-shaped helium balloons attached sits discarded in a dumpster.
Western
In the wake of his real-life experiences with Maud Gonne, W. B. Yeats wrote of those who "had read/All I had rhymed of that monstrous thing/Returned and yet unrequited love".[10]
According to Robert B. Pippin, Proust claimed that "the only successful (sustainable) love is unrequited love",[11] something which according to Pippin, "has been invoked as a figure for the condition of modernity itself".[12]
The comic strip Peanuts presents many examples. Some of it is based on creator Charles M. Schulz's love for Donna Mae Johnson, the inspiration for the strip's "little red-haired girl". Many of the characters are attracted to others who do not feel the same to them.
Eastern
The medieval Japanese poet Saigyō may have turned from samurai to monk because of unrequited love, one of his waka asking: "What turned me to wanting/to break with the world-bound life?/Maybe the one whose love/turned to loathing and who now joins with me in a different joy".[13] In other poems he wrote: "Alas, I'm foreordained to suffer, loving deep a heartless lass....Would I could know if there be such in far-off China!"[14]
Mural of a text message reading "I love you" and an ellipsis as a typing awareness indicator on the left.In China, passion tends to be associated not with happiness, but with sorrow and unrequited love.[15]
Rather than being a specific emotion itself, romantic love is believed to be a motivation or drive which elicits different emotions depending on the situation: positive feelings when things go well, and negative feelings when awry.[16][17][18] Reciprocated love may elicit feelings of joy, ecstacy, or fulfillment, for example, but unrequited love may elicit feelings of sadness, anxiety, or despair.[16][19] A 2014 study of Iranian young adults found that the early stage of romantic love was associated with the brighter side of hypomania (elation, mental and physical activity, and positive social interaction) and better sleep quality, but also stronger symptoms of depression and anxiety. Those authors conclude that romantic love is "not entirely a joyful and happy period of life".[20] Romantic love may be either pleasant or unpleasant, regardless of the intensity level.[21][22] One of Dorothy Tennov's interview participants recalls being in love this way: "When I felt [Barry] loved me, I was intensely in love and deliriously happy; when he seemed rejecting, I was still intensely in love, only miserable beyond words."[22] The intensity of love feelings is also distinct from whether an individual is satisfied with their relationship (although the measures have been shown to be related to some extent). One can be satisfied with their relationship because it fulfills some other need besides love for their partner (like money or child care), or conversely be in love with an abuser in an abusive relationship.[16]
Unrequited love is common among young adults, although what purpose it serves (if any) is not understood. In one study, 63% of respondents reported having a "huge crush" at least once in the past 2 years but not letting the person know, and unrequited love was four times more frequent than equal love.[23] Another study found that 92.8% of participants reported at least one "powerful or moderate" experience of unrequited love in the past 5 years.[24] In 2010, Helen Fisher, Arthur Aron and colleagues published their fMRI experiment investigating which areas of the brain might be active in recently rejected lovers. Participants had been in a relationship with their ex-partner for an average of 21 months, and then were post-rejection for an average of 63 days at the time of the experiment.[25] These participants reported spending more than 85% of their waking hours thinking of their rejector, reported a lack of emotional control, and exhibited unhappiness, with sometimes more extreme emotions like depression, anger, and even paranoia in pre- and post-interviews.[25][26] Similar to other fMRI experiments, the scan while looking at a photograph of the rejecting partner showed activations in dopaminergicreward system areas, like the ventral tegmental area and nucleus accumbens. These activations were also stronger than in a previous experiment of participants who were happily in love. The nucleus accumbens, prefrontal cortex and orbitofrontal cortex which were active have been associated with assessing one's gains and losses, and areas of the insular cortex and anterior cingulate cortex which were active have been involved with physical pain and pain regulation (respectively) in other studies.[25][27]
↑ "To love or be loved in vain: The trials and tribulations of unrequited love. In W. R. Cupach & B. H. Spitzberg (Eds.), The dark side of close relationships (pp. 307-326). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. Carpenter, L. M. (1998)Spitzberg, p. 308
↑ Janet Malcolm, Psychoanalysis: The Impossible Profession (London 1988) p. 9
↑ Mary Ward, The Literature of Love (2009) p. 45-6
↑ Eric Berne, Sex in Human Loving (Penguin 1970) p. 238
↑ A. Grafton et al, The Classical Tradition (2010) p. 664
Robert Burton, The Anatomy of Melancholy (New York 1951) THE THIRD PARTITION: LOVE-MELANCHOLY
Mead, Nicole L.; Baumeister, Roy F. (2007), "Unrequited love", in Baumeister, Roy F.; Vohs, Kathleen D. (eds.), Encyclopedia of Social Psychology, SAGE Publications, ISBN9781412916707
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