Unrequited love

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Unrequited love or one-sided love is love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. The beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and pure affection, or may consciously reject it knowing that the admirer admires them. Merriam-Webster defines unrequited as "not reciprocated or returned in kind". [1]

Contents

Psychiatrist Eric Berne states in his book Sex in Human Loving that "Some say that one-sided love is better than none, but like half a loaf of bread, it is likely to grow hard and moldy sooner." [2] However, the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche contends that "indispensable...to the lover is his unrequited love, which he would at no price relinquish for a state of indifference." [3] Unrequited love stands in contrast to redamancy, the act of reciprocal love, which is the tendency for people to like others who express liking for them. [4]

Analysis

According to legend, the Greek poet Sappho fell from a rock out of unrequited love for the ferryman Phaon. Painting by Ernst Stuckelberg, 1897. Stuckelberg Sappho 1897.jpg
According to legend, the Greek poet Sappho fell from a rock out of unrequited love for the ferryman Phaon. Painting by Ernst Stückelberg, 1897.

Route to unrequited love

According to Dr. Roy Baumeister, what makes a person desirable is a complex and highly personal mix of many qualities and traits. But falling for someone who is much more desirable than oneself — whether because of physical beauty or attributes like charm, intelligence, wit or status — Baumeister calls this kind of mismatch "prone to find their love unrequited" and that such relationships are falling upward. [5] According to some psychologists opposites do attract. [6]

'Platonic friendships provide a fertile soil for unrequited love'. [7] Thus the object of unrequited love is often a friend or acquaintance, someone regularly encountered in the workplace, during the course of work, school or other activities involving large groups of people. This creates an awkward situation in which the admirer has difficulty in expressing their true feelings, a fear that revelation of feelings might invite rejection, cause embarrassment or might end all access to the beloved, as a romantic relationship may be inconsistent with the existing association.

Unrequited love victims

The inability of the unrequited lover to express or declare their love often leads to negative feelings such as depression, low self-esteem, anxiety and rapid mood swings between depression and euphoria. [ citation needed ]

Rejectors

'There are two bad sides to unrequited love, but only one is made familiar by our culture' [8] – that of the lover, not the rejector. In fact, research suggests that the object of unrequited affection experiences a variety of negative emotions on a par with those of the suitor, including anxiety, frustration, and guilt. [5] As Freud long since pointed out, 'when a woman sues for love, to reject and refuse is a distressing part for a man to play'. [9]

Advantages

Dante looks longingly at Beatrice Portinari (in yellow) as she passes by him with Lady Vanna (in red) in Dante and Beatrice, by Henry Holiday Dante and beatrice.jpg
Dante looks longingly at Beatrice Portinari (in yellow) as she passes by him with Lady Vanna (in red) in Dante and Beatrice, by Henry Holiday

Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble, an unselfish and stoic willingness to accept suffering. Literary and artistic depictions of unrequited love may depend on assumptions of social distance that have less relevance in western, democratic societies with relatively high social mobility and less rigid codes of sexual fidelity. Nonetheless, the literary record suggests a degree of euphoria in the feelings associated with unrequited love, which has the advantage as well of carrying none of the responsibilities of mutual relationships: certainly, "rejection, apparent or real, may be the catalyst for inspired literary creation... 'the poetry of frustration'." [10]

Eric Berne considered that "the man who is loved by a woman is lucky indeed, but the one to be envied is he who loves, however little he gets in return. How much greater is Dante gazing at Beatrice than Beatrice walking by him in apparent disdain". [11]

"Remedies"

Roman poet Ovid in his Remedia Amoris "provides advice on how to overcome inappropriate or unrequited love. The solutions offered include travel, teetotalism, bucolic pursuits, and ironically, avoidance of love poets". [12]

Cultural examples

A wrapped, unopened Valentines Day gift with heart-shaped helium balloons attached sits discarded in a dumpster. Unhappy Valentine.jpg
A wrapped, unopened Valentines Day gift with heart-shaped helium balloons attached sits discarded in a dumpster.

Western

Eastern

See also

Related Research Articles

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<span class="mw-page-title-main">Limerence</span> State of mind

Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts, or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense desire for someone, marked by intrusive thoughts and a desire for a relationship and reciprocation.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Love triangle</span> Romantic relationship involving three people

A love triangle or eternal triangle is a scenario or circumstance, usually depicted as a rivalry, in which two people are pursuing or involved in a romantic relationship with one person, or in which one person in a romantic relationship with someone is simultaneously pursuing or involved in a romantic relationship with someone else. A love triangle typically is not conceived of as a situation in which one person loves a second person, who loves a third person, who loves the first person, or variations thereof.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Romance (love)</span> Type of love that focuses on feelings

Romance or romantic love is a feeling of love for, or a strong attraction towards another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions.

A love–hate relationship is an interpersonal relationship involving simultaneous or alternating emotions of love and hate—something particularly common when emotions are intense. The term is used frequently in psychology, popular writing and journalism. It can be applied to relationships with inanimate objects, or even concepts, as well as those of a romantic nature or between siblings and parents/children.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Infatuation</span> Intense but shallow attraction

Infatuation or being smitten is the state of being carried away by an unreasoned passion, usually towards another person for whom one has developed strong romantic feelings. Psychologist Frank D. Cox says that infatuation can be distinguished from romantic love only when looking back on a particular case of being attracted to a person. Infatuation may also develop into a mature love. Goldstein and Brandon describe infatuation as the first stage of a relationship before developing into a mature intimacy. Whereas love is "a warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion to another person", infatuation is "a feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love for, admiration for, or interest in someone or something", a shallower "honeymoon phase" in a relationship. Dr. Ian Kerner, a sex therapist, states that infatuation usually occurs at the start of relationships, is "...usually marked by a sense of excitement and euphoria, and it's often accompanied by lust and a feeling of newness and rapid expansion with a person". Phillips describes how the illusions of infatuations inevitably lead to disappointment when learning the truth about a lover. Adolescents often make people an object of extravagant, short-lived passion or temporary love.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Greek words for love</span> Agápe, éros, philía, storgē, philautia, and xenia

Ancient Greek philosophy differentiates main conceptual forms and distinct words for the Modern English word love: agápē, érōs, philía, philautía, storgē, and xenía.

An intimate relationship is an interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Although an intimate relationship is commonly a sexual relationship, it may also be a non-sexual relationship involving family or friends.

The triangular theory of love is a theory of love developed by Robert Sternberg. In the context of interpersonal relationships, "the three components of love, according to the triangular theory, are an intimacy component, a passion component, and a commitment component."

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Falling in love</span> Process of developing strong feelings of attachment and love

Falling in love is the development of strong feelings of attachment and love, usually towards another person.

Lysis, is a dialogue of Plato which discusses the nature of philia, often translated as friendship, while the word's original content was of a much larger and more intimate bond. It is generally classified as an early dialogue.

Lovesickness refers to an affliction that can produce negative feelings when deeply in love, during the absence of a loved one or when love is unrequited.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Pick-up line</span> Romantic conversation opener

A pick-up line or chat-up line is a conversation opener with the intent of engaging a person for romance or dating. As overt and sometimes humorous displays of romantic interest, pick-up lines advertise the wit of their speakers to their target listeners.

Mind games are actions performed for reasons of psychological one-upmanship, often employing passive–aggressive behavior to specifically demoralize or dis-empower the thinking subject, making the aggressor look superior. It also describes the unconscious games played by people engaged in ulterior transactions of which they are not fully aware, and which transactional analysis considers to form a central element of social life all over the world.

Social connection is the experience of feeling close and connected to others. It involves feeling loved, cared for, and valued, and forms the basis of interpersonal relationships.

"Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." —Brené Brown, Professor of social work at the University of Houston

Remedia Amoris [c. 2 AD] is an 814-line poem in Latin by Roman poet Ovid.

Love and hate as co-existing forces have been thoroughly explored within the literature of psychoanalysis, building on awareness of their co-existence in Western culture reaching back to the “odi et amo” of Catullus, and Plato's Symposium.

Relational transgressions occur when people violate implicit or explicit relational rules. These transgressions include a wide variety of behaviors. The boundaries of relational transgressions are permeable. Betrayal for example, is often used as a synonym for a relational transgression. In some instances, betrayal can be defined as a rule violation that is traumatic to a relationship, and in other instances as destructive conflict or reference to infidelity.

A cuckquean is the wife of an adulterous husband, and the gender-opposite of a cuckold. In evolutionary biology, the term is also applied to females who are investing parental effort in offspring that are not genetically their own. Similar prying within a family is called wittoldry. The term is derived from Early Modern English dating back to AD 1562 and is composed of the terms cuck "someone whose partner is unfaithful" and quean "disreputable woman".

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Colour wheel theory of love</span> Idea created by psychologist John Alan Lee

The colour wheel theory of love is an idea created by the Canadian psychologist John Alan Lee that describes six love styles, using several Latin and Greek words for love. First introduced in his book Colours of Love: An Exploration of the Ways of Loving (1973), Lee defines three primary, three secondary, and nine tertiary love styles, describing them in the traditional colour wheel. The three primary types are Eros, Ludus, and Storge, and the three secondary types are Mania, Pragma, and Agape.

References

  1. "Unrequited - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary". Merriam-webster.com. Retrieved 2012-05-23.
  2. Berne, Eric (1970). Sex in Human Loving. Penguin. p. 130. ISBN   0-671-20771-7.
  3. This is how R. B. Pippin describes Nietzsche's views in The Persistence of Subjectivity (2005) p. 326.
  4. Ash, John (1775). The New And Complete Dictionary Of The English Language: In Which All The Words are Introduced ... : To Which Is Prefixed, A Comprehensive Grammar; In Two Volumes, Volume 2. Dilly. Retrieved 12 June 2015.
  5. 1 2 Goleman, Daniel (1993-02-09). "Pain of Unrequited Love Afflicts the Rejecter, Too". The New York Times. Retrieved 2010-03-31.
  6. "The Real Reason That Opposites Attract". Psychology Today. Retrieved 2015-12-26.
  7. Spitzberg, p. 311
  8. "To love or be loved in vain: The trials and tribulations of unrequited love. In W. R. Cupach & B. H. Spitzberg (Eds.), The dark side of close relationships (pp. 307-326). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. Carpenter, L. M. (1998)Spitzberg, p. 308
  9. Janet Malcolm, Psychoanalysis: The Impossible Profession (London 1988) p. 9
  10. Mary Ward, The Literature of Love (2009) p. 45-6
  11. Eric Berne, Sex in Human Loving (Penguin 1970) p. 238
  12. A. Grafton et al, The Classical Tradition (2010) p. 664
  13. Y. B. Yeats, The Poems (London 1983) p. 155
  14. Pippin, p. 326
  15. Pippin, p. 326n
  16. W LaFleur, Awesome Nightfall (Boston 2003) p. 14-15
  17. H H Honda trans, The Sanka Shu (Tokyo 1971) p. 236-7
  18. G Maciocia, The Psyche in Chinese Medicine (2009) p. 136

Further reading