| Part of a series on |
| Love |
|---|
Obsessive love is characterized by obsessive or compulsive attempts to possess or control an individual, especially triggered (or even intensified) by rejection. [2] Obsessive love can also be distinguished from other forms of romantic love by its one-sidedness and repulsed approaches. [3] Rejection is the "ultimate nightmare" to an obsessive lover, who can not let go when confronted with disinterest or the loss of a partner. [4] Usually obsessive love leads to feelings of worthlessness, self-destructive behavior and social withdrawal, but in some cases an obsessive lover may monitor or stalk the object of their passion, or commit acts of violence. [2] [5]
Most obsessional stalkers who are not delusional had some type of a relationship with their victim (an ex-partner), and have personality disorders. [6] [7]
The term "obsessive love" may also be compared to other concepts: [8] [3] [9]
The problem with obsessive love is not so much a question of loving too intensely, but rather of anger over rejection, or feelings of abandonment. [37] Susan Forward states that in her practice, she found four conditions which helped clarify when somebody is suffering from obsessive love: [38]
- They must have a painful, all-consuming preoccupation with a real or wished-for lover.
- They must have an insatiable longing either to possess or to be possessed by the target of their obsession.
- Their target must have rejected them or be unavailable in some way, either physically or emotionally.
- Their target's unavailability or rejection must drive them to behave in self-defeating ways.
— Susan Forward, Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go
John Moore describes the process of those who "confuse love with obsession" as a cycle of four phases he calls the "Obsessive Relational Progression": [39]
Obsessive love may be related to the anxious attachment style. [40] The mania love attitude (for obsessive, dependent love) has been correlated with attachment anxiety, and also the personality trait neuroticism. [41] [42] A study using the Passionate Love Scale showed that while passionate love with obsession was associated with relationship satisfaction in short-term relationships, it was associated with slightly decreased satisfaction over time. [17]
In the dualistic model of passion, a distinction is made between two types of passion: harmonious passion (where the person experiencing it feels positive and in control) and obsessive passion (where the person experiencing it feels a loss of control, and it interferes with their life). This is reminiscent of the distinction between the love styles eros (harmonious) and mania (obsessive). One study found that harmonious romantic passion was strongly correlated (positively) with secure attachment, and obsessive romantic passion was moderately correlated (positively) with anxious attachment. Obsessive passion has also been associated with maladaptive conflict resolution strategies in relationships (e.g. criticism, contempt, defensiveness). [43]
The anthropologist Helen Fisher believed that "abandonment rage" (anger after a rejection) can be explained in terms of the frustration–aggression hypothesis, where rage is triggered when an expected reward is in jeopardy. Romantic love and rage are connected in the brain by similar circuitry; both involve arousal and energy production, and both drive obsessive focus and goal-directed behaviors. Fisher believed that ordinarily the evolutionary purpose of abandonment rage is to facilitate separation and the search for a new partner, although sometimes abandonment rage erupts into violence instead. [44]
Another feature of obsessive love is jealousy, [45] which seems to be related to OCD for its obsessional qualities and compulsive checking (for signs of infidelity). This can also take the form of pathological jealousy (or "Othello syndrome") where the sufferer has a delusional or paranoid belief in their partner's infidelity despite actual evidence. [46] Jealousy is strongly associated with irritability, which can erupt into violence: spousal murder is often related to infidelity (real or suspected). It has been suggested that this seemingly self-defeating behavior of murdering one's own partner results from a kind of "brinkmanship", where a looming threat of violence is used to control women as sexual partners—a threat which sometimes (paradoxically) escalates into actual violence to be "credible". [47]
It is argued that non-pathological jealousy evolved as protection against reproductive competition, which is adaptive as long as it serves to maintain a relationship. [48]
Love obsessionality can in some cases lead to stalking, although stalkers also often have other conditions. [9] Like falling in love, stalking is also described as a form of addiction. [49] A 1999 study by Paul Mullen and colleagues classified 145 stalkers according to several kinds of groups: [7]
Limerence is another type of love obsession which is being compared to the others, but the motives and emotional foundations behind limerence are different from stalking. [9] [50] A person in limerence hopes for mutual feelings, and their mood depends on whether their romantic interest seems to be returned, whereas the motive for stalking is to force contact, control or punish a victim for rejection. Limerence can cause distress if it becomes too intense, but it's also a feature of early-stage romantic love for many people. [9]
Obsessive thinking about a loved one has been called a hallmark or a cardinal trait of romantic love, [51] [52] ensuring that the loved one is not forgotten. [53] Some reports have been made that people can even spend as much as 85 to 100% of their days and nights thinking about a love object. [54] One study found that on average people in love spent 65% of their waking hours thinking about their beloved. [55] Another study used cluster analysis to find several different groups of lovers, with the least intense group spending 35% of their time on average and the most intense at 72%. [56] Since the late 1990s, these obsessional features have been compared to obsessive–compulsive disorder (OCD). [57] [58] [59] This is also sometimes paired with a theory that obsessive (or intrusive) thinking is related to serotonin levels being lowered while in love, although study results have been inconsistent or negative. [57] [59] [60] [61] Another theory relates obsessive thinking to addiction, because drug users exhibit obsessive thoughts about drug use, as well as compulsions. [62] [63] [64]
The early stage of romantic love is being compared to a behavioral addiction (i.e. addiction to a non-substance) but the "substance" involved is the loved person. [63] [65] [66] [62] Addiction involves a phenomenon known as incentive salience , also called "wanting" (in quotes). [64] [67] This is the property by which cues in the environment stand out to a person and become attention-grabbing and attractive, like a "motivational magnet" which pulls a person towards a particular reward. [68] [67] Incentive salience differs from craving in that craving is a conscious experience and incentive salience may or may not be. While incentive salience can give feelings of strong urgency to cravings, it can also motivate behavior unconsciously, as in an experiment where cocaine users were unaware of their own decisions to choose a low dose of cocaine (which they believed was placebo) more often than an actual placebo. [69] In the incentive-sensitization theory of addiction, repeated drug use renders the brain hypersensitive to drugs and drug cues, resulting in pathological levels of "wanting" to use drugs. [62] [67] People in love are thought to experience incentive salience in response to their beloved. Lovers share other similarities with addicts as well, like tolerance, dependence, withdrawal, relapse, craving and mood modification. [66]
The ancient Greeks called obsessive love "theia mania" (the madness from the gods), and Greek mythology depicted it in stories such as Apollo and Daphne. [10] [70]
Obsessive love has been depicted in the movies Fatal Attraction and Play Misty for Me, and the novel Wuthering Heights. [71]