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Obsessive love is characterized by obsessive or compulsive attempts to possess or control an individual, especially triggered (or even intensified) by rejection. [3] Obsessive love can also be distinguished from other forms of romantic love by its one-sidedness and repulsed approaches. [4] Rejection is the "ultimate nightmare" to an obsessive lover, who can not let go when confronted with disinterest or the loss of a partner. [5] Usually obsessive love leads to feelings of worthlessness, self-destructive behavior and social withdrawal, but in some cases an obsessive lover may monitor or stalk the object of their passion, or commit acts of violence. [3] [6]
The term may also be compared to other concepts: [7] [4]
The problem with obsessive love is not so much a question of loving too intensely, but rather of anger over rejection, or feelings of abandonment. [25] Susan Forward states that in her practice, she found four conditions which helped clarify when somebody is suffering from obsessive love: [26]
- They must have a painful, all-consuming preoccupation with a real or wished-for lover.
- They must have an insatiable longing either to possess or to be possessed by the target of their obsession.
- Their target must have rejected them or be unavailable in some way, either physically or emotionally.
- Their target's unavailability or rejection must drive them to behave in self-defeating ways.
— Susan Forward, Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much to Let Go
Obsessive love may be related to the anxious attachment style. [27] The mania love attitude has been correlated with attachment anxiety, and also the personality trait neuroticism. [28] [29] A study using the Passionate Love Scale showed that while passionate love with obsession was associated with relationship satisfaction in short-term relationships, it was associated with slightly decreased satisfaction over time. [14]
In the dualistic model of passion, a distinction is made between two types of passion: harmonious passion (where the person experiencing it feels positive and in control) and obsessive passion (where the person experiencing it feels a loss of control, and it interferes with their life). This is reminiscent of the distinction between the love styles eros (harmonious) and mania (obsessive). One study found that harmonious romantic passion was strongly correlated (positively) with secure attachment, and obsessive romantic passion was moderately correlated (positively) with anxious attachment. Obsessive passion has also been associated with maladaptive conflict resolution strategies in relationships (e.g. criticism, contempt, defensiveness). [30]
The ancient Greeks called obsessive love "theia mania" (the madness from the gods), and Greek mythology depicted it in stories such as Apollo and Daphne. [8] [50]
Obsessive love has been depicted in the movies Fatal Attraction and Play Misty for Me, and the novel Wuthering Heights. [51]