Flirting

Last updated
A poster by Henri Gerbault depicting flirting between a man and a woman Das werdenSie ja nachher schon sehen.jpg
A poster by Henri Gerbault depicting flirting between a man and a woman

Flirting or coquetry is a social and sexual behavior involving body language, or spoken or written communication between humans. It is used to suggest interest in a deeper relationship with another person and for amusement.

Contents

A person might flirt with another by speaking or behaving in such a way that suggests their desire to increase intimacy in their current relationship with that person. The approach may include communicating a sense of playfulness, irony, or by using double entendres.

A study in body language: Haynes King's Jealousy and Flirtation Jealousy and Flirtation.jpg
A study in body language: Haynes King's Jealousy and Flirtation
Laurel (played by Marilyn Monroe) flirting with Dr. Fulton (played by Cary Grant) in the film Monkey Business (1952) Marilyn Monroe and Cary Grant in Monkey Business trailer 3.JPG
Laurel (played by Marilyn Monroe) flirting with Dr. Fulton (played by Cary Grant) in the film Monkey Business (1952)

Etymology

The origin of the word "flirt" is unknown. The first use of the word dates to 1580with the intransitive "flit" and the noun formca 1590with the transitive "flick". [1]

Flirt has been attributed to the French conter fleurette , meaning to woo. Fleurette, meaning small flower, was used in the 16th century in some sonnets [2] and texts, and has since fallen out of use. [3] [4] [5] This expression is still used in French, often mockingly, however the English loanword, "to flirt" is in the common vernacular. [6]

Historical context

During World War II, anthropologist Margaret Mead was working in Britain for the British Ministry of Information and later for the U.S. Office of War Information, [7] [8] delivering speeches and writing articles to help American soldiers better understand British civilians, [9] and vice versa. [10] Mead found a pattern of misunderstandings in the flirtations between American soldiers and British women regarding who was supposed to take which initiative. She wrote of the Americans, "The boy learns to make advances and rely upon the girl to repulse them whenever they are inappropriate to the state of feeling between the pair", as contrasted to the British, where "the girl is reared to depend upon a slight barrier of chilliness... which the boys learn to respect, and for the rest to rely upon the men to approach or advance, as warranted by the situation." When flirting with each other, British women could interpret an American soldier's gregariousness as something more intimate or serious than he had intended. [7]

Communications theorist Paul Watzlawick researched courtship behaviors between English women and North American servicemen in late- to post-WWII, finding common misunderstandings of intent. The simple act of kissing during the 'wrong stage' of the courtship often led both parties to believe the other was being too forward, too soon. [11]

Purpose

A woman flirts with a soldier by tickling him with a feather. SundayNewOrleansFlirt1880s.jpeg
A woman flirts with a soldier by tickling him with a feather.

According to social anthropologist Kate Fox, there are two main types of flirting: flirting for fun, and flirting with further intent. [12]

In a 2014 review, sociologist David Henningsen identified six main motivations for flirting: sex, relational development, exploration, fun, self-esteem, and as a means to an end. [13] Henningsen found that many flirting interactions involve more than one of these motives. There also appear to be gender differences in flirting motivation.

Courtship

Many people flirt as a courtship initiation method. [14] The person flirting will send out signals of sexual availability to another, and expects to see the interest returned in order to continue flirting. Flirting can involve non-verbal signs, such as an exchange of glances, hand-touching, and hair-touching; or verbal signs, such as chatting, giving flattering comments, and exchanging telephone numbers in order to initiate further contact.

Many studies have confirmed that sex is a motivation for flirting. [15] A study by Messman and colleagues demonstrated that the more one was physically attracted to a person, the higher the chances one would flirt with them. [15]

Misinterpretation and consequences

Flirting is often performed subtly, and evidence shows that people are often mistaken in how they interpret flirting behaviors. [15] If the main purpose of flirting is to signal interest to another person, then one might the signaling would be done clearly and explicitly. An explanation for the ambiguous nature of human flirting lies in the costs associated with courtship. [14] Indeed, according to Gersick and colleagues, signaling interest can be costly as it can lead to the disturbance of the nature of a relationship. [16]

The costs associated with interest signaling may be magnified in humans compared to the animal world, as the existence of language means information can circulate much faster. For instance, in the case of eavesdropping, information overheard by an eavesdropper can be spread to large social networks, thereby magnifying the social costs. [16]

Other motivations

People may engage in flirting to consolidate or maintain a romantic relationship with their partner. People may also flirt with the goal of 'exploring', for example to assess whether another person might be interested in reciprocating. Henningsen and Fox showed that flirting can sometimes be used just for fun, for example in the workplace. [13]

Gender differences in motivations

Certain types of flirting seem to vary by gender. Henningsen and colleagues' study demonstrated that flirting with sexual intent was found to be more prominent amongst men while flirting for relationship development purposes was more often employed by women. [13] Henningsen also found that women may engage in "practice flirting," that is, behavior to evaluate potential partners. [13]

In evolutionary biology, the parental investment theory states that females are more selective and males are more competitive, therefore predicting that flirting as courtship initiation will be more commonly used by males. The theory also predicts that females provide more resources to their offspring, which causes them to invest in a mate that can contribute to their offspring's survival. [17]

Cultural variations

Flirting behavior varies between cultures due to different modes of social etiquette, such as how closely people should stand, how long to hold eye contact, how much touching is appropriate and so forth. [18] Nonetheless, some behaviors may be universal. Ethologist Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt discovered that women from different continents (Africa and North America) behave similarly in some ways when flirting, such as nonchalantly breaking their gaze and smiling after first staring for a prolonged period of time. [19]

The Flirtation by Eugene de Blaas. A study of body language: a man flirting Eugen de Blaas The Flirtation.jpg
The Flirtation by Eugene de Blaas. A study of body language: a man flirting

In "contact cultures," such as those in the Mediterranean or Latin America, closer proximity is common, compared with cultures such as those in Britain or Northern Europe. The variation in social norms may lead to different interpretations of what is considered to be flirting. [20]

Japanese courtesans had another form of flirting, emphasizing non-verbal relationships by hiding the lips and showing the eyes, as depicted in much Shunga art, the most popular print media at the time, until the late 19th century.

The fan was extensively used as a means of communication and therefore a way of flirting from the 16th century onwards in some European societies, especially England and Spain. A whole sign language was developed with the use of the fan, and etiquette books and magazines were published. Charles Francis Badini created the Original Fanology or Ladies' Conversation Fan, which was published by William Cock in London in 1797. The use of the fan was not limited to women, as men also carried fans and learned how to convey messages with them. For instance, placing the fan near the heart meant "I love you", while opening a fan wide meant "Wait for me". [21]

In Spain, ladies used fans to communicate with suitors or prospective suitors without attracting the notice of their families or chaperons. This use was highly popular during the 19th and early 20th centuries. [22] In Japan, flirting in the street or public places is known as nanpa .

See also

Related Research Articles

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Heterosexuality</span> Attraction between people of the opposite sex or gender

Heterosexuality is romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior between people of the opposite sex or gender. As a sexual orientation, heterosexuality is "an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attractions" to people of the opposite sex; it "also refers to a person's sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors, and membership in a community of others who share those attractions." Someone who is heterosexual is commonly referred to as straight.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Human sexual activity</span> Manner in which humans engage sexually

Human sexual activity, human sexual practice or human sexual behaviour is the manner in which humans experience and express their sexuality. People engage in a variety of sexual acts, ranging from activities done alone to acts with another person in varying patterns of frequency, for a wide variety of reasons. Sexual activity usually results in sexual arousal and physiological changes in the aroused person, some of which are pronounced while others are more subtle. Sexual activity may also include conduct and activities which are intended to arouse the sexual interest of another or enhance the sex life of another, such as strategies to find or attract partners, or personal interactions between individuals. Sexual activity may follow sexual arousal.

Promiscuity is the practice of engaging in sexual activity frequently with different partners or being indiscriminate in the choice of sexual partners. The term can carry a moral judgment. A common example of behavior viewed as promiscuous by many cultures is the one-night stand, and its frequency is used by researchers as a marker for promiscuity.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Sexual attraction</span> Attraction on the basis of sexual desire

Sexual attraction is attraction on the basis of sexual desire or the quality of arousing such interest. Sexual attractiveness or sex appeal is an individual's ability to attract other people sexually, and is a factor in sexual selection or mate choice. The attraction can be to the physical or other qualities or traits of a person, or to such qualities in the context where they appear. The attraction may be to a person's aesthetics, movements, voice, or smell, among other things. The attraction may be enhanced by a person's adornments, clothing, perfume or hair style. It can be influenced by individual genetic, psychological, or cultural factors, or to other, more amorphous qualities. Sexual attraction is also a response to another person that depends on a combination of the person possessing the traits and on the criteria of the person who is attracted.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Seduction</span> Process of enticing a person to engage in sexual behaviour

In sexuality, seduction means enticing to sexual intercourse.

Teasing has multiple meanings and uses. In human interactions, teasing exists in three major forms: playful, hurtful, and educative. Teasing can have a variety of effects, depending on how it is used and its intended effect. When teasing is unwelcome, it may be regarded as harassment or mobbing, especially in the workplace and school, or as a form of bullying or emotional abuse. If done in public, it may be regarded as humiliation. Teasing can also be regarded as educative when it is used as a way of informal learning. Adults in some of the Indigenous American communities often tease children to playfully illustrate and teach them how their behavior negatively affects the community. Children in many Indigenous American communities also learn by observing what others do in addition to collaborating with them. Along with teasing, this form of informal learning is different from the ways that Western American children learn. Informal ways of child learning include mutual responsibility, as well as active collaboration with adults and peers. This differentiates from the more formal way of learning because it is not adult-oriented.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Romance (love)</span> Type of love that focuses on feelings

Romance or romantic love is a feeling of love for, or a strong attraction towards another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Courtship</span> Period in a couples relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage

Courtship is the period wherein some couples get to know each other prior to a possible marriage or committed romantic, de facto relationship. Courtship traditionally may begin after a betrothal and may conclude with the celebration of marriage. A courtship may be an informal and private matter between two people or may be a public affair, or a formal arrangement with family approval. Traditionally, in the case of a formal engagement, it is the role of a male to actively "court" or "woo" a female, thus encouraging her to understand him and her receptiveness to a marriage proposal.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Haptic communication</span> Communication via touch

Haptic communication is a branch of nonverbal communication that refers to the ways in which people and animals communicate and interact via the sense of touch. Touch is the most sophisticated and intimate of the five senses. Touch or haptics, from the ancient Greek word haptikos is extremely important for communication; it is vital for survival.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Claude Cahun</span> French artist (1894–1954)

Claude Cahun was a French surrealist photographer, sculptor, and writer.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Sexual jealousy</span> Psychological concept

Sexual jealousy is a special form of jealousy in sexual relationships, based on suspected or imminent sexual infidelity. The concept is studied in the field of evolutionary psychology.

Proteans are unpredictable, subtle, often subconscious, flirting signals, such as a woman's touching of her hair when first meeting a man. The term was coined by Humphries and Driver in 1970 for unpredictable behaviour exhibited by prey animals. It was used in the context of human courtship behaviour by Grammer et al. in 2000.

The following outline is provided as an overview of and topical guide to interpersonal relationships.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Courtship display</span> Communication to start a relationship with someone or to get sexual contact

A courtship display is a set of display behaviors in which an animal, usually a male, attempts to attract a mate; the mate exercises choice, so sexual selection acts on the display. These behaviors often include ritualized movement ("dances"), vocalizations, mechanical sound production, or displays of beauty, strength, or agonistic ability.

Human sexuality is the way people experience and express themselves sexually. This involves biological, psychological, physical, erotic, emotional, social, or spiritual feelings and behaviors. Because it is a broad term, which has varied with historical contexts over time, it lacks a precise definition. The biological and physical aspects of sexuality largely concern the human reproductive functions, including the human sexual response cycle.

A first date is the initial meeting during the dating process of two individuals, in which an effort is made to ask about each other, plan a potential relationship, and/or organize some sort of romantic activity. Aims vary between finding a romantic, platonic, or sexual partner for a short period, to finding a long-term spouse. Dating can vary between cultures, lifestyles, religion, gender, and sexual orientation.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Sexual suggestiveness</span> Sexually provocative material or action

Sexual suggestiveness is visual, verbal, written or behavioral material or action with sexual undertones implying sexual intent in order to provoke sexual arousal.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Sexual selection in amphibians</span> Choice of and competition for mates

Sexual selection in amphibians involves sexual selection processes in amphibians, including frogs, salamanders and newts. Prolonged breeders, the majority of frog species, have breeding seasons at regular intervals where male-male competition occurs with males arriving at the waters edge first in large number and producing a wide range of vocalizations, with variations in depth of calls the speed of calls and other complex behaviours to attract mates. The fittest males will have the deepest croaks and the best territories, with females making their mate choices at least partly based on the males depth of croaking. This has led to sexual dimorphism, with females being larger than males in 90% of species, males in 10% and males fighting for groups of females.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Human mating strategies</span> Courtship behavior of humans

In evolutionary psychology and behavioral ecology, human mating strategies are a set of behaviors used by individuals to select, attract, and retain mates. Mating strategies overlap with reproductive strategies, which encompass a broader set of behaviors involving the timing of reproduction and the trade-off between quantity and quality of offspring.

Costly signaling theory in evolutionary psychology refers to uses of costly signaling theory and adaptationism in explanations for psychological traits and states. Often informed by the closely related fields of human behavioral ecology and cultural evolution, such explanations are predominantly focused on humans and emphasize the benefits of altering the perceptions of others and the need to do so in ways that are difficult to fake due to the widespread existence of adaptations which demand reliable information to avoid manipulation through dishonest signals.

References

  1. "flirt". Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Retrieved 6 May 2023. The first known use of flirt was in 1580
  2. La Taille, Jean de; Arioste, L'; La Taille, Jacques de (9 August 1573). La famine, ou Les Gabéonites, tragédie prise de la Bible et suivant celle de Saül, ensemble plusieurs autres oeuvres poëtiques de Jehan de La Taille de Bondaroy... via Gallica.
  3. Tabourot, Étienne; Tabourot, Étienne (9 August 2018). Les bigarrures et touches du seigneur des Accords . Avec les Apophtegmes du sieur Gaulard et les Escraignes dijonnoises. Dernière édition, reveue et de beaucoup augmentée via Gallica.
  4. Guy de Tours; Berthelot; Béroalde de Verville, François; Gauchet, Claude (9 August 2018). Les muses incognues ou La seille aux bourriers plaine de désirs et imaginations d'amour : réimprimé textuellement et collationné sur l'exemplaire existant à la Bibliothèque de l'Arsenal à Paris ([Reprod. en fac-sim.]) / recueil de poésies satyriques de Béroalde de Verville, de Guy de Tours, de Gauchet, de Berthelot, de Motin, etc via Gallica.
  5. Larivey, Pierre de (9 August 2018). Les comédies facécieuses de Pierre de Larivey, champenois . A l'imitation des anciens Grecs, Latins, & modernes Italiens. A sçavoir, le Laquais, la Veuve, les Esprits, le Morfondu, les Escolliers via Gallica.
  6. Académie de Nîmes (9 August 1876). "Mémoires de l'Académie royale du Gard" via Gallica.[ verification needed ]
  7. 1 2 Mead, Margaret (2004). William O. Beeman (ed.). Studying Contemporary Western Society: Method and Theory. New York: Berghahn Books. pp. 145, 149. ISBN   978-1-57181-816-4.
  8. Mead's article, A Case History in Cross-National Communications, was originally published in Bryson, Lyman (1948). The Communication of Ideas. New York: Institute for Religious and Social Studies, dist. by Harper and Brothers. OCLC   1488507.
  9. e.g. Mead, Margaret (1944). The American troops and the British community. London: Hutchinson. OCLC   43965908.
  10. e.g. Mead, Margaret (June 1944). "What Is a Date?". Transatlantic. Vol. 10, no. June 1944. OCLC   9091671.
  11. Watzlawick, Paul (1983). How Real Is Real? (1st illustrated reprint ed.). London: Souvenir Press. pp. 63–64. ISBN   978-0-285-62573-0. One interesting aspect was a comparison of courtship patterns. Both American soldiers and British girls accused one another of being sexually brash. Investigation of this curious double charge brought to light an interesting punctuation problem. In both cultures, courtship behavior from the first eye contact to the ultimate consummation went through approximately thirty setps, but the sequence of these steps was different. Kissing, for instance, comes relatively early in the North American pattern (occupying, let us say, step 5) and relatively late in the English pattern (at step 25, let us assume), where it is considered highly erotic behavior. So when the U.S., soldier somehow felt that the time was right for a harmless kiss, not only did the girl feel cheated out of twenty steps of what for her would have been proper behavior on his part, she also felt she had to make a quick decision: break off the realtionship and run, or get ready for intercourse. If she chose the latter, the soldier was confronted with behavior that according to _his_ cultural rules could only be called shameless at this early state of the relationship.
  12. Fox, Kate. "SRIC Guide to Flirting". Sirc.org. Retrieved 2019-03-21.
  13. 1 2 3 4 Henningsen, David (2004). "Flirting with meaning: an examination of miscommunication in flirting interactions". Sex Roles. 50 (7–8): 481–489. doi:10.1023/B:SERS.0000023068.49352.4b. S2CID   143077407.
  14. 1 2 Moore, Monica M. (1995). "Courtship Signaling and Adolescents: "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"?". The Journal of Sex Research. 32 (4): 319–328 via JSTOR.
  15. 1 2 3 Messman, Susan J; Canary, Daniel J; Hause, Kimberly (2000). "Motives to Remain Platonic, Equity, and the Use of Maintenance Strategies in Opposite-Sex Friendships". Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. 16 (67–94): 67–94. doi:10.1177/0265407500171004. S2CID   145745343.
  16. 1 2 Gersick, Andrew; Kurzban, Robert (2014). "Covert Sexual Signaling: Human Flirtation and Implications for other Social Species". Evolutionary Psychology. 12 (3): 549–69. doi: 10.1177/147470491401200305 . PMC   10480930 . PMID   25299992.
  17. Campbell, Bernard (1972). Sexual selection and the descent of man. Aldine. pp. 1871–1971.
  18. "Scoring a German: Flirting with Fräuleins, Hunting for Herren". Spiegel International. 5 June 2006. Retrieved 6 May 2023. HE SAYS: ... German women, though, have become conditioned to a much more subtle style of coquetry. Interest is indicated by way of a studied, concentrated look on the part of the man -- a gaze which may, but often doesn't, include a smile. Rather than a stare, though, the look should be brief and fleeting -- and the man's job is done. In a German-on-German flirt, the power rests solidly with the Fräulein. [....] SHE SAYS: ... The bottom line, though, is that it is often up to the foreign woman to break the ice in a way the German man understands: heavy on the warm-yet-serious discussion and lighter on the flippant-friendly-sexy thing. Flirting in Germany is not nearly as fun, meaningless or flattering as it is elsewhere. But the sometimes awkward but also deliciously subtle dance between the genders here might just grow on you.
  19. Matthews, Maureen (29 Nov 2016). "About Last Night: Where do I draw the line with flirting?". The Sydney Morning Herald. Retrieved 6 May 2023. Q: I'm a guy who loves to flirt but it can get me into trouble. How do you judge the line between harmless flirting, seduction, sexual harassment, leading someone on, being inappropriate, and so on? It feels like a social minefield. A: It seems that some form of flirting is universal in social intercourse.
  20. "SIRC Guide to Flirting". Sirc.org. Retrieved 2010-06-23.
  21. "Ladies and their Fans". Avictorian.com. Retrieved 2010-06-23.
  22. "The Language of the Fan". Spainforvisitors.com. Archived from the original on 2010-06-26. Retrieved 2010-06-23.