Breakup

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A photo resembling a breakup of a heterosexual relationship Breakup-908714 1280.jpg
A photo resembling a breakup of a heterosexual relationship

A relationship breakup, breakup, [1] or break-up [2] is the ending of a relationship. The act is commonly termed "dumping [someone]" in slang when it is initiated by one partner. [3] [4] [5] [6] The term is less likely to be applied to a married couple, where a breakup is typically called a separation or divorce. When a couple engaged to be married breaks up, it is typically called a "broken engagement". People commonly think of breakups in a romantic aspect, however, there are also non-romantic and platonic breakups, and this type of relationship dissolution is usually caused by failure to maintain a friendship. [7]

Contents

Susie Orbach (1992) has argued that the dissolution of dating and cohabiting relationships can be as painful as or more painful than divorce because these nonmarital relationships are less socially recognized. [8]

Kamiar-K. Rueckert argues with the works of Donald Winnicott that the ability to be alone is an essentially healthy sign of emotional development and maturity. Once a child has obtained closeness and attachment by their early caregivers, they are able to develop autonomy and identity. If children have not introjected the good and protective qualities of their parents, they will fear separation and break-ups. [9]

Models

Several psychological models have been proposed to explain the process of a relationship breakup, many suggesting that relationship dissolution occurs in stages. [10]

Mark L. Knapp, a foundational scholar on the subject of interpersonal relationships, created a model called Knapp's relational development model. He describes two separate phases of relationships, coming together and coming apart.

The coming together phase is meant to be long-term, beginning in the initiation phase and becoming deeper with time and intimacy. In the coming apart phase, differentiating begins. This is when the individuals began noticing differences that may seem unnegotiable or place pressure on the relationship. This leads to circumscribing where the individuals begin to pull apart, set boundaries, and have their own independent lives. This may cause issues to arise. At this point, the relationship reaches stagnation where the couple stays together for other reasons rather than their will to do so. Examples include children. The next stage is avoidance in which the individuals try to stay away from each other as much as possible. They, then, reach termination, where the relationship is over and they go their separate ways.

Stages leading to a breakup

L. Lee [11] proposes that there are five stages ultimately leading up to a breakup.

  1. Dissatisfaction: one or both partners grow dissatisfied with relationship
  2. Exposure: both partners mutually become aware of problems in relationship
  3. Negotiation: both partners attempt to negotiate solutions to problems
  4. Resolution and transformation: both partners apply outcome of their negotiation
  5. Termination: proposed resolution fails to rectify issues and no further solutions are accepted or applied

Cycle of a breakup

Steve Duck outlines a six-stage cycle of relationship breakup: [12]

  1. Dissatisfaction with relationship
  2. Social withdrawal
  3. Discussion of reasons for discontentment
  4. Going public
  5. Tidying up of memories
  6. Recreating sense of social value

Factors that predict a breakup before marriage

Hill, Rubin and Peplau [13] identify five factors that predict breakup before marriage:

  1. Unequal involvement in the relationship
  2. Age difference
  3. Different educational aspirations
  4. Difference in intelligence
  5. Difference in physical attractiveness

Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution

Gottman and Levenson (1994) outline the Cascade Model of Relational Dissolution, in which four negative nonverbal behaviors lead to the breakdown of a marriage/relationship: [14]

  1. Criticism
  2. Defensiveness
  3. Contempt
  4. Stonewalling
  5. Suspicious

Uncoupling theory

In 1976, sociologist Diane Vaughan proposed an "uncoupling theory", where there exists a "turning point" in the dynamics of relationship breakup – 'a precise moment when they "knew the relationship was over," when "everything went dead inside"' – followed by a transition period in which one partner unconsciously knows the relationship is going to end, but holds on to it for an extended period, even for years. [15] [16]

Vaughan considered that the process of breakup was asymmetrical for initiator and respondent: the former 'has begun mourning the loss of the relationship and has undertaken something tantamount to a rehearsal, mentally and, to varying degrees, experientially, of a life apart from the partner'. [17] The latter then has to play catch-up: 'to make their own transition out of the relationship, partners must redefine initiator and relationship negatively, legitimating the dissolution'. [18]

As a result, for Vaughan 'getting out of a relationship includes a redefinition of self at several levels: in the private thoughts of the individual, between partners, and in the larger social context in which the relationship exists'. [19] She considered that 'uncoupling is complete when the partners have defined themselves and are defined by others as separate and independent of each other – when being partners is no longer a major source of identity'. [19]

Conscious uncoupling

Katherine Woodward Thomas, a licensed marriage and family therapist, originated the term "conscious uncoupling" in 2009. Thomas began teaching this new approach to divorce to students throughout the world. [20]

The term received popularization by Gwyneth Paltrow, who used the phrase to describe her divorce with Chris Martin. [21] Paltrow had her doctors Dr. Sherry Sami, and Habib Sadeghi and his wife explain the Conscious Uncoupling when she first made the news of her divorce public. A "conscious uncoupling is the ability to understand that every irritation and argument [within a marriage] was a signal to look inside ourselves and identify a negative internal object that needed healing," Habib Sadeghi explained. "From this perspective, there are no bad guys, just two people, it's about people as individuals, not just the relationship". [22]

Consequences

Depending on the individual, breakups can be stressful, unpleasant, and traumatic events. Both parties could feel a large number of negative effects as a result of the relationship's dissolution, and these events often gain the reputation for being some of the worst events in people's lives. These could include psychological distress symptoms, grief reactions, an overall decline in psychological well-being, and potential stalking behaviors. Individuals often work hard to keep their relationships intact because of how significantly distressing and problematic these negative effects can be, even in the face of potential complications in their relationship, for as long as they can bear it.[ citation needed ]

Negative effects

Psychological distress symptoms

Individuals who had just recently experienced the dissolution of a romantic relationship reported several symptoms of acute psychological distress. These included flashback and intrusive memories associated with their partner, often triggered by important dates associated with either the relationship or the breakup. [23] These intrusive distress symptoms manifested in various ways for both the individual who initiated the breakup and their partner, such as being reminded of certain aspects of their behavior or their preferences.

Another set of psychological distress symptoms that were reported by individuals who had experienced a romantic relationship breakup fell under the category of avoidance behavior. [23] [24] Being without their partner causes their self-concept to shift as they struggle through emotional distress. [25] This involves an active attempt at denying or ignoring the circumstances of the current situation, or those that led to the dissolution of the relationship. In relation to this, individuals also noted feeling numb and uninterested with the world around them because of the breakup. [23]

The combination of this desire to engage in avoidance behaviors and the intrusive memories that may naturally come up cause individuals to feel significant emotional swings and outbursts in the form of irritation, anger, and startle responses. Individuals were noted as being far more paranoid, suspicious, and jealous, often tied towards a desire to know information about their ex-partner. [23] [24]

Overall, these psychological distress symptoms come together to result in a significantly lower level of self-esteem among individuals who have just undergone the dissolution of a romantic relationship. [23] Additionally, individuals undergo a significant redefinition of their self-concept, as they attempt to understand who they are without their ex-partner. [25] This compounds upon the psychological distress symptoms that they feel from the loss of the relationship and is the most significant negative effect that people undergoing a breakup experience.

Grief reactions

A natural effect of the loss of a relationship that an individual had hoped to keep is grief, because the desire to keep relationships intact despite problems and complications is a natural human desire. [26] This results in individuals undergoing a breakup displaying grief reactions that include symptoms like sleeplessness, depression, and suicidal thoughts. [27] [23] [24] [28] This tendency to express grief and depression is so prevalent that researchers point to it being a significant contributor to the first onset of major depressive disorder in young adults. [29] [25]

The extent of these grief reactions is not limited to the time frame immediately following the dissolution of the romantic relationship. Even some time after the breakup, people who are asked to recall depressing or negative events in their lives commonly make reference to traumatic events of this nature. [26] This negative effect can be attributed to the severity of the grief reaction that people who suffer through a breakup display, making a significant mark in their lives that they are unlikely to forget.

Decline in psychological well-being

In addition to these specific negative effects, individuals who are suffering through a breakup report a general decline in their psychological well-being. The general negative emotion that they feel often triggers other behaviors and habits that are either detrimental to their mental health or signify poor mental health conditions. [23] These include:

  • increased alcohol use
  • weight loss
  • worsening physical health
  • admissions to psychiatric services
  • increased criminal behavior
  • increased risk of suicide
  • negative emotions and feelings (such as guilt, anger, or rejection)

Stalking behaviors

A behavior that has been noticed following some breakups is the prevalence of stalking as one partner attempts to maintain contact with the other, however unwanted it may be. This type of behavior exists on a scale that stretches from an amicable breakup with no unwanted harassment behaviors all the way to stalking behaviors that are threatening and distressful to the partner. [30] This behavior stems from an unhappiness with the circumstances following the dissolution of the relationship, as well as a misguided belief that the stalking behavior may result in the reforming of the relationship. There is no clear definition of stalking behavior that differentiate it from socially acceptable activities; they become more sinister when they are unwanted and form a persistent pattern. [30]

Positive effects

Evidence shows that even in the direst of situations, there is a chance for positive emotions and growth. [24] Breakups are no different, giving victims opportunities for stress-related growth, improving their performance in future relationships, and providing feelings of relief and freedom. Jessica Kansky and Joseph P. Allen conducted a study that followed 160 20 to 25-year-olds, or emerging adults, and observed their romantic and close friend relationships. There were a significant number of findings, but one finding was that the experience of a break-up did prove positive in the long run for several individuals, especially if they knew the reason(s) the relationship ended. [31]

Individuals that are placed under stressful situations are often faced with an opportunity for growth and development as a result of this stress. Without this push to improve, individuals are often pushed towards complacency and refuse to make the necessary efforts to progress through life. Different ways in which people have exhibited growth following a stressful life event include improvements to the way a person views themselves, the way they connect with other people around them, or their overall approach to life. Research shows that breakups are highly representative of this type of stressful situation, as individuals experience them several times throughout their lives and have been known to self-report instances of growth because of the experience. [29]

Improved future relationships

Another positive outcome that has been observed to follow breakup has to do with the lessons that people may have learned from going through the painful experience. The stress-related growth that a person is forced to experience following a breakup causes improvements to their overall character, self-image, and ability to interact with others. These improvements have the potential to improve the quality of future romantic relationships with other people. [29] This is due to the increased level of maturity displayed by the individual as well as, to a lesser extent, insight into certain things that they must avoid in a relationship to ensure better relationships in the future.

Feelings of relief and freedom

While this may not necessarily be a universal positive consequence that affects all people going through a breakup, there is significant evidence towards certain individuals experiencing feelings of relief, freedom, and happiness following the end of a relationship. [32] There is a high likelihood that these individuals were the one who initiated the breakup in the first place, but research has shown that there have been cases where individuals that have been victims of a breakup recognize that their past relationship was sub-optimal, which allows them to display the same emotions of relief, freedom, and happiness.

Mitigating factors

While individuals that have experienced a breakup are likely to experience a number of different positive and negative effects once the relationship has run its course, different people can expect these to manifest in varying degrees. This is because there are several mitigating factors that can either minimize or amplify the extent to which one feels the consequences of a breakup. The list of potential factors that have been shown to moderate the effects that an individual might feel are categorized and listed below: [26] [33] [23] [24] [28] [30] [32] [34]

Online breakups

The technologically advanced society that currently exists means that much of people's lives are online. People can date online via dating apps or using social media platforms such as Instagram or Facebook. Many relationships have been able to manifest from mediated communication and last a similar amount of time as relationships that were started in person. Others, however, have not been as long-lived. The presence of social media and technology also plays a part in relationships that began and exist in person, as well. There has been much controversy about the stress that online dating places on relationships. The constant and wide range of accessibility provided by technology and internet access can lead to a plethora of issues that may result in break-ups. [35] An example of this is that those already in a relationship can have multiple partners that are also dating using online platforms that have no knowledge of each other due to the unlimited access they have to meet people from all over the world. Once a partner discovers the infidelity, this could result in a breakup. Online dating may also prohibit choices that could save a relationship. To further elaborate, many times in relationships, space is necessary to collect thoughts and feelings after an argument, however, the usage of social media allows access to one's partner at all times. This constant accessibility may result in disruption of both space and boundaries necessary for a healthy relationship. [36]

LGBTQ relationship dissolutions

While public opinion has become more accepting of different forms of relationships, including those that are not heterosexual, LGBTQ couples often face adversity when it comes to maintaining their relationships due to societal-based homophobia. According to researchers Lahti and Kolehmainen, studies have shown that LGBTQ couples tend to feel pressured by society to maintain long, monogamous, and healthy relationships. They may struggle in silence and refuse to seek help or end a relationship when it may be in their best interest mentally and emotionally because of this pressure. Their studies also indicate that most counseling services, or other means of salvaging a relationship, have heteronormative assumptions. This makes it difficult for LGBTQ couples to find help for their relationships that caters to the issues they struggle with personally. [37]

Other unique issues arise out of LGBTQ relationship dissolutions when children are involved. According to researchers Goldberg and Allen, LGBTQ separations involving children can become legally confusing. In lesbian relationships, there are two mothers, so the question arises of who would receive full custody of the child(ren). Many times, the court system favors the birth mother, however, in lesbian relationships, one mother could carry the egg of another, so it becomes challenging to determine who the child(ren) biologically belongs to. In gay male relationship dissolutions, this also causes confusion as the majority of gay male parents adopted their children. Due to the heteronormative society that currently exists, LGBTQ couples often deal with challenges post-break-up. [38]

There is a lack of research on LGBTQ relationship dissolutions as these relationships are fairly recent to acceptance and legality in history.

See also

Related Research Articles

In social psychology, an interpersonal relation describes a social association, connection, or affiliation between two or more persons. It overlaps significantly with the concept of social relations, which are the fundamental unit of analysis within the social sciences. Relations vary in degrees of intimacy, self-disclosure, duration, reciprocity, and power distribution. The main themes or trends of the interpersonal relations are: family, kinship, friendship, love, marriage, business, employment, clubs, neighborhoods, ethical values, support and solidarity. Interpersonal relations may be regulated by law, custom, or mutual agreement, and form the basis of social groups and societies. They appear when people communicate or act with each other within specific social contexts, and they thrive on equitable and reciprocal compromises.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Grief</span> Response to loss in humans and other animals

Grief is the response to the loss of something deemed important, particularly to the loss of someone or some living thing that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, grief also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, while grief is the reaction to that loss.

Psychological trauma is an emotional response caused by severe distressing events that are outside the normal range of human experiences. It must be understood by the affected person as directly threatening the affected person or their loved ones generally with death, severe bodily injury, or sexual violence; indirect exposure, such as from watching television news, may be extremely distressing and can produce an involuntary and possibly overwhelming physiological stress response, but does not produce trauma per se. Examples of distressing events include violence, rape, or a terrorist attack.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Intimate relationship</span> Physical or emotional intimacy

An intimate relationship is an interpersonal relationship that involves emotional or physical closeness between people and may include sexual intimacy and feelings of romance or love. Intimate relationships are interdependent, and the members of the relationship mutually influence each other. The quality and nature of the relationship depends on the interactions between individuals, and is derived from the unique context and history that builds between people over time. Social and legal institutions such as marriage acknowledge and uphold intimate relationships between people. However, intimate relationships are not necessarily monogamous or sexual, and there is wide social and cultural variability in the norms and practices of intimacy between people.

Human bonding is the process of development of a close interpersonal relationship between two or more people. It most commonly takes place between family members or friends, but can also develop among groups, such as sporting teams and whenever people spend time together. Bonding is a mutual, interactive process, and is different from simple liking. It is the process of nurturing social connection.

Caring in intimate relationships is the practice of providing care and support to an intimate relationship partner. Caregiving behaviours are aimed at reducing the partner's distress and supporting their coping efforts in situations of either threat or challenge. Caregiving may include emotional support and/or instrumental support. Effective caregiving behaviour enhances the care-recipient's psychological well-being, as well as the quality of the relationship between the caregiver and the care-recipient. However, certain suboptimal caregiving strategies may be either ineffective or even detrimental to coping.

In psychology, the theory of attachment can be applied to adult relationships including friendships, emotional affairs, adult romantic and carnal relationships and, in some cases, relationships with inanimate objects. Attachment theory, initially studied in the 1960s and 1970s primarily in the context of children and parents, was extended to adult relationships in the late 1980s. The working models of children found in Bowlby's attachment theory form a pattern of interaction that is likely to continue influencing adult relationships.

Social connection is the experience of feeling close and connected to others. It involves feeling loved, cared for, and valued, and forms the basis of interpersonal relationships.

"Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." —Brené Brown, Professor of social work at the University of Houston

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Mental distress</span> Symptoms and experiences that are troubling, confusing, or unusual

Mental distress or psychological distress encompasses the symptoms and experiences of a person's internal life that are commonly held to be troubling, confusing or out of the ordinary. Mental distress can potentially lead to a change of behavior, affect a person's emotions in a negative way, and affect their relationships with the people around them.

Childhood trauma is often described as serious adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Children may go through a range of experiences that classify as psychological trauma; these might include neglect, abandonment, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse, witnessing abuse of a sibling or parent, or having a mentally ill parent. These events have profound psychological, physiological, and sociological impacts and can have negative, lasting effects on health and well-being such as unsocial behaviors, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and sleep disturbances. Similarly, children whose mothers have experienced traumatic or stressful events during pregnancy have an increased risk of mental health disorders and other neurodevelopmental disorders.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Broken heart</span> Intense stress or pain one feels at experiencing longing

A broken heart is a metaphor for the intense emotional stress or pain one feels at experiencing great loss or deep longing. The concept is cross-cultural, often cited with reference to unreciprocated or lost love.

The interpersonal communication that occurs during a relationship deterioration/dissolution looks to explain the possible "why" behind the relationship breakup and the communication steps that a breakup seems to follow. Studies have researched on the predictors of breakups, the breakup process, the strategies employed, the impact of the breakups and finally the process to move on emotionally from the broken relationship.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Belongingness</span> Human emotional need

Belongingness is the human emotional need to be an accepted member of a group. Whether it is family, friends, co-workers, a religion, or something else, some people tend to have an 'inherent' desire to belong and be an important part of something greater than themselves. This implies a relationship that is greater than simple acquaintance or familiarity.

Money disorders refer to problematic financial beliefs and behaviors that can cause significant distress and hinder one's social or occupational well-being. These issues often stem from financial stress or an inability to effectively utilize one's financial resources, leading to clinically significant challenges. Money disorders refer to enduring and often unchanging patterns of self-destructive financial behaviors that lead to considerable stress, anxiety, emotional anguish, and significant disruptions in various areas of a person's life.

Self-concealment is a psychological construct defined as "a predisposition to actively conceal from others personal information that one perceives as distressing or negative". Its opposite is self-disclosure.

Relationship contingent self-esteem (RCSE) is a type of self-esteem that derives from the outcomes, process, and nature of one's romantic relationship. Like other types of contingent self-esteem, it is generally linked with lower levels of self-esteem and well-being. It can be unhealthy for the relationship because it paves the way for excessive bias for negative interpretations of relationship events.

Attachment theory and psychology of religion research explores the ways that a belief in God can fulfill the criteria of an attachment figure and examines how individual differences in attachment lead to correspondence or compensation pathways.

In psychology, relationship obsessive–compulsive disorder (ROCD) is a form of obsessive–compulsive disorder focusing on close and/or intimate relationships. Such obsessions can become extremely distressing and debilitating, having negative impacts on relationships functioning.

Emotional abandonment is a subjective emotional state in which people feel undesired, left behind, insecure, or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel at a loss. They may feel like they have been cut off from a crucial source of sustenance or feel withdrawn, either suddenly or through a process of erosion. Emotional abandonment can manifest through loss or separation from a loved one.

Attachment and health is a psychological model which considers how the attachment theory pertains to people's preferences and expectations for the proximity of others when faced with stress, threat, danger or pain. In 1982, American psychiatrist Lawrence Kolb noticed that patients with chronic pain displayed behaviours with their healthcare providers akin to what children might display with an attachment figure, thus marking one of the first applications of the attachment theory to physical health. Development of the adult attachment theory and adult attachment measures in the 1990s provided researchers with the means to apply the attachment theory to health in a more systematic way. Since that time, it has been used to understand variations in stress response, health outcomes and health behaviour. Ultimately, the application of the attachment theory to health care may enable health care practitioners to provide more personalized medicine by creating a deeper understanding of patient distress and allowing clinicians to better meet their needs and expectations.

References

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  3. ↑ "dump | meaning of dump in Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English | LDOCE". www.ldoceonline.com. Retrieved 2020-07-22.
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  38. ↑ Goldberg, Abbie E.; Allen, Katherine R. (2013). "Same-Sex Relationship Dissolution and LGB Stepfamily Formation: Perspectives of Young Adults with LGB Parents". Family Relations. 62 (4): 529–544. doi:10.1111/fare.12024. ISSN   0197-6664. JSTOR   43695354.
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