Emotional blackmail

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Emotional blackmail and FOG are terms popularized by psychotherapist Susan Forward about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled. Understanding these dynamics is useful to anyone trying to extricate themself from the controlling behavior of another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others. [1]

Contents

General

The first documented use of "emotional blackmail" appeared in 1947 in the Journal of the National Association of Deans of Women in the article "Discipline and Group Psychology". The term was used to describe one type of problematic classroom control model often used by teachers. [2] Esther Vilar, an Argentine physician and anti-feminist writer, also used the term "emotional blackmail" in the early 1970s to describe a parenting strategy observed among some mothers with multiple children. [3]

Emotional blackmail typically involves two people who have established a close personal or intimate relationship (parent and child, spouses, siblings, or two close friends). [4] Children, too, will employ special pleading and emotional blackmail to promote their own interests, and self-development, within the family system. [5]

Emotional blackmailers use fear, obligation and guilt in their relationships, ensuring that others feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and swamped by guilt if they resist. Knowing that someone close to them wants love, approval or confirmation of identity and self-esteem, blackmailers may threaten to withhold them (e.g., withhold love) or take them away altogether, making the second person feel they must earn them by agreement. [6] Fear, obligation or guilt is commonly referred to as "FOG". FOG is a contrived acronym—a play on the word "fog" which describes something that obscures and confuses a situation or someone's thought processes.

The person who is acting in a controlling way often wants something from the other person that is legitimate to want. They may want to feel loved, safe, valuable, appreciated, supported, needed, etc. This is not the problem. The problem is often more a matter of how they are going about getting what they want, or that they are insensitive to others' needs in doing so that is troubling—and how others react to all of this. [1]

Under pressure, one may become a sort of hostage, forced to act under pressure of the threat of responsibility for the other's breakdown. [7] One could fall into a pattern of letting the blackmailer control his/her decisions and behavior, lost in what Doris Lessing described as "a sort of psychological fog". [8]

Emotional blackmail is a punishment that can take place in romantic relationships. For instance, in an unpleasant divorce, the emotional blackmailer might warn that if their spouse files for divorce, they would retain the financial assets or never allow them to interact with the children. Such actions might make the victim angry as they feel they are being controlled and unable to react in a healthy way. [9]

Types

Forward and Frazier identify four blackmail types each with their own mental manipulation style: [10]

TypeExample
Punisher's threatEat the food they cooked for you or they'll hurt you.
Self-punisher's threatEat the food they cooked for you or they'll hurt themselves.
Sufferer's threatEat the food they cooked for you. They were saving it for themselves. They wonder what will happen now.
Tantalizer's threatEat the food they cooked for you and you just might or might not get a really yummy dessert.

There are different levels of demands—demands that are of little consequence, demands that involve important issues or personal integrity, demands that affect major life decisions, and/or demands that are dangerous or illegal. [1]

Patterns and characteristics

Addictions

Addicts often believe that being in control is how to achieve success and happiness in life. People who follow this rule use it as a survival skill, having usually learned it in childhood. As long as they make the rules, no one can back them into a corner with their feelings. [11]

Mental illness

People with certain mental conditions are predisposed to controlling behavior including those with paranoid personality disorder, [12] borderline personality disorder, [13] and narcissistic personality disorder. [14]

People with borderline personality disorder are particularly likely to use emotional blackmail [13] (as too are destructive narcissists). [14] However, their actions may be impulsive and driven by fear and a desperate sense of hopelessness, rather than being the product of any conscious plan. [15]

Codependency

Codependency often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships. [16]

Affluenza and children

Affluenza—the status insecurity derived from obsessively keeping up with the Joneses—has been linked by Oliver James to a pattern of childhood training whereby sufferers were "subjected to a form of emotional blackmail as toddlers. Their mothers' love becomes conditional on exhibiting behaviour that achieved parental goals." [17]

Assertiveness training

Assertiveness training encourages people to not engage in fruitless back-and-forths or power struggles with the emotional blackmailer but instead to repeat a neutral statement, such as "I can see how you feel that way," or, if pressured to eat, say "No thank you, I'm not hungry." They are taught to keep their statements within certain boundaries in order not to capitulate to coercive nagging, emotional blackmail, or bullying. [18]

Recovery

Techniques for resisting emotional blackmail include strengthening personal boundaries, resisting demands, developing a power statement —the determination to stand the pressure—and buying time to break old patterns. Re-connecting with the autonomous parts of the self the blackmailer had over-ruled is not necessarily easy. [10] One may feel guilty based on emotional blackmail, even while recognizing the guilt as induced and irrational; [19] but still be able to resist overcompensating, and ignore the blackmailer's attempt to gain attention by way of having a tantrum. [20]

Consistently ignoring the manipulation in a friendly way may however lead to its intensification, and threats of separation, [21] or to accusations of being "crazy" or a "home wrecker". [10]

Cultural examples

Criticism

Daniel Miller objects that in popular psychology the idea of emotional blackmail has been misused as a defense against any form of fellow-feeling or consideration for others. [24]

Labeling of this dynamic with inflammatory terms such as "blackmail" and "manipulation" may not be so helpful as it is both polarizing and it implies premeditation and malicious intent which is often not the case. Controlling behavior and being controlled is a transaction between two people with both playing a part. [1]

See also

Related Research Articles

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Guilt (emotion)</span> Cognitive or an emotional experience

Guilt is a moral emotion that occurs when a person believes or realizes—accurately or not—that they have compromised their own standards of conduct or have violated universal moral standards and bear significant responsibility for that violation. Guilt is closely related to the concept of remorse, regret, as well as shame.

Transactional analysis is a psychoanalytic theory and method of therapy wherein social interactions are analyzed to determine the ego state of the communicator as a basis for understanding behavior. In transactional analysis, the communicator is taught to alter the ego state as a way to solve emotional problems. The method deviates from Freudian psychoanalysis, which focuses on increasing awareness of the contents of subconsciously held ideas. Eric Berne developed the concept and paradigm of transactional analysis in the late 1950s.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Borderline personality disorder</span> Personality disorder of emotional instability

Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions. Those affected often engage in self-harm and other dangerous behaviors, often due to their difficulty with returning their emotional level to a healthy or normal baseline. They may also struggle with dissociation, a feeling of emptiness, and a fear of abandonment.

Psychology is an academic and applied discipline involving the scientific study of human mental functions and behavior. Occasionally, in addition or opposition to employing the scientific method, it also relies on symbolic interpretation and critical analysis, although these traditions have tended to be less pronounced than in other social sciences, such as sociology. Psychologists study phenomena such as perception, cognition, emotion, personality, behavior, and interpersonal relationships. Some, especially depth psychologists, also study the unconscious mind.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Codependency</span> Type of relationship where one person enables the others self-destructive tendencies

In psychology, codependency is a theory that attempts to explain imbalanced relationships where one person enables another person's self-destructive behavior such as addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

A love–hate relationship is an interpersonal relationship involving simultaneous or alternating emotions of love and hate—something particularly common when emotions are intense. The term is used frequently in psychology, popular writing and journalism. It can be applied to relationships with inanimate objects, or even concepts, as well as those of a romantic nature or between siblings and parents/children.

Assertiveness is the quality of being self-assured and confident without being aggressive to defend a right point of view or a relevant statement. In the field of psychology and psychotherapy, it is a skill that can be learned and a mode of communication. Dorland's Medical Dictionary defines assertiveness as:

In psychology, narcissistic injury, also known as narcissistic wound or wounded ego, is emotional trauma that overwhelms an individual's defense mechanisms and devastates their pride and self-worth. In some cases, the shame or disgrace is so significant that the individual can never again truly feel good about who they are. This is sometimes referred to as a "narcissistic scar".

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Self-destructive behavior</span> Behaviours that are harmful to the individual engaging in them

Self-destructive behavior is any behavior that is harmful or potentially harmful towards the person who engages in the behavior.

In psychotherapy and mental health, enabling has a positive sense of empowering individuals, or a negative sense of encouraging dysfunctional behavior.

Personality disorders (PD) are a class of mental disorders characterized by enduring maladaptive patterns of behavior, cognition, and inner experience, exhibited across many contexts and deviating from those accepted by the individual's culture. These patterns develop early, are inflexible, and are associated with significant distress or disability. The definitions vary by source and remain a matter of controversy. Official criteria for diagnosing personality disorders are listed in the sixth chapter of the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) and in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

Personal boundaries or the act of setting boundaries is a life skill that has been popularized by self help authors and support groups since the mid-1980s. Personal boundaries are established by changing one's own response to interpersonal situations, rather than expecting other people to change their behaviors to comply with your boundary. For example, if the boundary is to not interact with a particular person, then one sets a boundary by deciding not to see or engage with that person, and one enforces the boundary by politely declining invitations to events that include that person and by politely leaving the room if that person arrives unexpectedly. The boundary is thus respected without requiring the assistance or cooperation of any other people. Setting a boundary is different from issuing an ultimatum; an ultimatum is a demand that other people change their choices so that their behavior aligns with the boundary-setter's own preferences and personal values.

In psychology, manipulation is defined as subterfuge designed to influence or control another, usually in a manner which facilitates one's personal aims. The methods used distort or orient the interlocutor's perception of reality, in particular through seduction, suggestion, persuasion and non-voluntary or consensual submission. Definitions for the term vary in which behavior is specifically included, influenced by both culture and whether referring to the general population or used in clinical contexts. Manipulation is generally considered a dishonest form of social influence as it is used at the expense of others.

A narcissistic parent is a parent affected by narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. Typically, narcissistic parents are exclusively and possessively close to their children and are threatened by their children's growing independence. This results in a pattern of narcissistic attachment, with the parent considering that the child exists solely to fulfill the parent's needs and wishes. A narcissistic parent will often try to control their children with threats and emotional abuse. Narcissistic parenting adversely affects the psychological development of children, affecting their reasoning and their emotional, ethical, and societal behaviors and attitudes. Personal boundaries are often disregarded with the goal of molding and manipulating the child to satisfy the parent's expectations.

Schema therapy was developed by Jeffrey E. Young for use in treatment of personality disorders and chronic DSM Axis I disorders, such as when patients fail to respond or relapse after having been through other therapies. Schema therapy is an integrative psychotherapy combining theory and techniques from previously existing therapies, including cognitive behavioral therapy, psychoanalytic object relations theory, attachment theory, and Gestalt therapy.

Abusive power and control is behavior used by an abusive person to gain and/or maintain control over another person. Abusers are commonly motivated by devaluation, personal gain, personal gratification, psychological projection, or the enjoyment of exercising power and control. The victims of this behavior are often subject to psychological, physical, mental, sexual, or financial abuse.

Interpersonal emotion regulation is the process of changing the emotional experience of one's self or another person through social interaction. It encompasses both intrinsic emotion regulation, in which one attempts to alter their own feelings by recruiting social resources, as well as extrinsic emotion regulation, in which one deliberately attempts to alter the trajectory of other people's feelings.

Emotional abandonment is a subjective emotional state in which people feel undesired, left behind, insecure, or discarded. People experiencing emotional abandonment may feel at a loss. They may feel like they have been cut off from a crucial source of sustenance or feel withdrawn, either suddenly or through a process of erosion. Emotional abandonment can manifest through loss or separation from a loved one.

Guilt tripping is often designed to manipulate other people by preying on their emotions and feelings of guilt or responsibility. This can be a form of toxic behavior that can have detrimental effects on a person's well-being as well as their relationships.

Therapy speak is the use of jargon from psychology in a way that is considered incorrect, especially jargon related to psychotherapy and mental health. It tends to be linguistically prescriptive and formal in tone.

References

  1. 1 2 3 4 Johnson, R. Skip (16 August 2014). "Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)". BPDFamily.com . Retrieved 18 October 2014.
  2. ↑ Redl, Fritz (October 1947). "Discipline and Group Psychology". Journal of the National Association of Deans of Women. 11–12: 10.
  3. ↑ "To instill obedience into an only child, the mother has to evolve complex methods to outsmart and persuade it, and get it to see reason; or it has to be punished. Since this is a nuisance, mother usually leaves it to father. Several children, on the other hand, can be trained by emotional blackmail. As they are all dependent on their mother's approval, she has only to show a slight preference for one and the others will do anything she tells them to. Every child lives in constant fear that its mother will 'withdraw' her love and give it to some one else." Villar, Esther (1972). The Manipulated Man, Bantam/Farrar, Straus and Giroux, Inc.
  4. ↑ Stanlee Phelps/Nancy Austin, The Assertive Woman (1987) p. 133
  5. ↑ Nigel Rapport ed., British Subjects (Oxford 2002) p. 141
  6. ↑ Gavin Miller, R. D. Laing (2004) p. 52
  7. ↑ Jean Baudrillard, The Revenge of the Crystal (1999) p. 174
  8. ↑ Doris Lessing, The Golden Notebook (1973) p. 554
  9. ↑ Doll, Karen (2019-03-05). "18+ Ways to Handle Emotional Blackmail (+ Examples & Quotes)". PositivePsychology.com. Retrieved 2023-08-27.
  10. 1 2 3 Susan Forward/Donna Frazier, Emotional Blackmail (London 1997) p. 28, 82, 145, 169
  11. ↑ Fenley, Jr., James L. Finding a Purpose in the Pain (2012)
  12. ↑ Goldberg, MD, Joseph (23 May 2014). "Paranoid Personality Disorder" . Retrieved 20 October 2014.
  13. 1 2 Braiker, Harriet B., Who's Pulling Your Strings? How to Break The Cycle of Manipulation (2006)
  14. 1 2 Nina W. Brown, Children of the Self-Absorbed (2008) p. 35
  15. ↑ Blaise A. Aguirre, Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents (2007) p. 73-4
  16. ↑ Codependents Anonymous: Patterns and Characteristics Archived 2013-08-24 at the Wayback Machine
  17. ↑ Oliver James, Britain on the Couch (London 1998) p. 66
  18. ↑ Sue Bishop, Develop Your Assertiveness (2006) p. 13
  19. ↑ Mary Barnes and Joseph Berke, Mary Barnes (1974) p. 284
  20. ↑ Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person (1961) p. 320
  21. ↑ Robin Skynner/John Cleese, Life and how to survive it (London 1993) p. 349 and p. 352
  22. ↑ Aiden Day, Angela Carter: The Rational Glass (1998) p. 138
  23. ↑ Gayle, Green, Doris Lessing: The Poetics of Change (1997) p. 9
  24. ↑ Daniel Miller, The Comfort of Things (2008) p. 41
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