Family estrangement

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Family estrangement is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members, through physical and/or emotional distancing, often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals involved for a prolonged period.

Contents

Estrangement may result from the direct interactions between those affected, including traumatic experiences of domestic violence, abuse, neglect, misbehavior on the part of one or both parties, such as repetitive explosive outbursts, behaviors arising from mental illness, personality disorders or substance abuse, [1] or intense marital conflict and disagreements, attachment disorders, differing values and beliefs, disappointment, major life events or change, or poor communication. It may also result from the involvement or interference of a third party. [2] [3] [4] Recent political and cultural changes have been said to contribute, [5] as well as an "enormous expansion in behaviors described as harmful, traumatising or abusive" that occurred within a very short time frame, i.e., within a single generation. [6] [7]

The estrangement is often unwanted, or considered unsatisfactory, by at least one party involved. [2]

Estrangement with siblings is called sibling estrangement. Estrangement by a child from one parent, when caused by the other parent, is known as parental alienation.

Overview

Family estrangements are broken relationships between parents, grandparents, siblings, children, cousins, etc. Although a family estrangement can begin at any stage of life, it often begins during late adolescence or early adulthood. Characteristics of estrangement may include a lack of empathy in one or more of the parties involved. This can result in heightened levels of stress in all parties, although in the case of an abusive relationship the victim may feel a sense of relief once the source of stress has been removed.

A significant proportion of estrangements involve a third party, [2] : 22–23  such as a member of the extended family or the adult child's spouse. For example, a child who dislikes a stepparent might refuse to have a relationship with the parent who married the stepparent; in such a case, the stepparent is the third party involved in the estrangement between the child and the parent. In some cases, the third party provides emotional support to the individual initiating the estrangement, providing the estranger with an alternative social support system and thus enabling the deepening of the estrangement. In other instances, the third party—either deliberately or not consciously—is actually the sole or primary cause of two family members becoming estranged.

The rejected individual, or estrangee, may or may not try a number of strategies to repair the rift. In some cases, taking responsibility and making amends for harsh words or difficult circumstances may improve the relationship. However, if the estrangement is the result of a behavioural pattern (such as a personality disorder) rather than a sequence of unfortunate life events, it is doubtful that the relationship will survive in any meaningful form.[ citation needed ]

In some cases, the initiator of the estrangement stipulates boundaries in order to maintain limited contact (and therefore limit emotional damage) with the person they see as a potential abuser. In other cases, the initiator is unable or unwilling to consider any type of reconciliation.

Health implications

Although the rejected party's psychological and physical health may decline, the estrangement initiator's may improve due to the cessation of abuse and conflict. [8] [9] The social rejection in family estrangement is the equivalent of ostracism which undermines four fundamental human needs: the need to belong, the need for control in social situations, the need to maintain high levels of self-esteem, and the need to have a sense of meaningful existence. [10] The rejected parties suffer adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression. [11]

Family estrangement activates the grief response because people who have experienced it often see it as a loss they were not prepared for and happened unexpectedly. [12] However, the rejected family member may not achieve the final grief stage of acceptance, given that the social death of the relationship is potentially reversible. The prolonged suffering of the rejected party, together with a perceived or real stigma of having been rejected by a family member, results in isolation and behavioral changes in the rejected party. [13] [14]

Social workers who work with the elderly population are at the forefront of a new fallout from the family estrangement. Non-supportive or absent family members during someone's end-of-life acutely increase the pain and stress of the final days. [3]

Demographics

An October 2022 YouGov poll in the United States found that 29% of Americans were estranged from a parent (11%), child (9%), sibling (14%), or grandparent (5%). [15] Considerably higher numbers of gay men (49%), lesbian women (55%), and bisexual people (38%) were estranged from a family member compared to heterosexual people (27%). [15]

Culture

Cultural attitudes influence the frequency of estrangement, with the United States experiencing about twice as many parent-child estrangements compared to Israel, Germany, England and Spain. [16]

The emphasis on the individual over a collective family unit is regarded as contributing to estrangement, as well as a rationale for estrangement. [17] [18] In individualistic cultures, the estranger typically justifies the estrangement in relation to emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Other estrangers may see a lack of emotional support or clash of values as the justification, or may blame the other person for their own unhappiness. [18] Estrangers who have suffered abuse often receive emotional support/validation as it can be easier for them to articulate and get others to understand their experience. For some victims of psychological or emotional abuse the damage has been done over a long period of time by a characteristic pattern of subtle, deniable abuse. For these people, validation may never appear in any meaningful form unless it is professional help. The estranged may also become less socially accepted because of lowered self-regulation, a reaction to the social rejection. [19]

Contributing causes

Although working through stressful issues with communication, consideration and compassion can be a healthy coping mechanism, the effort can be demanding.

Value or identity conflict

A family member's sexual orientation, choice of spouse, gender identity, politics, disability, religion or lack thereof may cause the estranged party to feel judged, unloved, or unaccepted causing them to initiate the estrangement or may cause the parents to disown their child. [4] Life choices regarding education, profession, and geography are other potentially emotionally charged topics that reflect social values.

Working through feelings to reach an understanding that accommodates the individual within the family unit challenges each individual's sense of identity as part of a society. When one or more family members rank their expectations and emotions as more important than those of another family member, then the conversation becomes a zero-sum game. This is known as a social trap in social psychology, a situation where the long-term consequences of decisions result in a cumulative loss to all parties. In these instances, estrangement is more likely than accommodation.[ citation needed ]

Divorce

Divorce was cited as a reason for estrangement by 12.3% of parents and 2.3% of children in one study. [4] Divorced families are significantly over-represented among people experiencing a parent–child estrangement. [18]

Child abuse

Child abuse in the form of emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical abuse was cited by 13.9% of children who initiated estrangement with one or both parents as a reason for estrangement. Furthermore, 2.9% of estranged parents acknowledged their failure to prevent the abuse. [4] Abuse by siblings is a factor in some estrangements between siblings. [18]

Substance abuse

Substance and alcohol abuse, on the part of either the estranger or the estranged, are common causes of family tension and the resulting separation. The most highly predictive domain of social estrangement for both alcohol and drug dependency is homelessness. [20]

Mental illness

Mental illness on the part of either the estranger or the estranged is also a common cause of family tension and estrangement.

Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is correlated with family estrangement. Both the PTSD sufferer's symptoms and the family members' failure to be sufficiently supportive can contribute to the estrangement. Studies on soldiers with PTSD have concluded that families with a PTSD patient require more support to facilitate healing and prevent estrangement. [21]

Personality disorders

Personality disorders, particularly the cluster B personality disorders (antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder), cause significant interpersonal conflicts. Sufferers typically have volatile relationships and may be both the estranger and the estranged multiple times throughout their lives.[ citation needed ]

Betrayal of trust

From disputes over inheritances to perceived insults in public settings, a sense of betrayal can weaken the trust bonds of a family. According to developmental psychologist Erik Erikson, trust is the foundation of any relationship.[ citation needed ]

Explanations

There are underlying psychological factors that explain family estrangement beyond the surface rationale of the scenario.

Bowen theory

The separation of young adults from their families of origin in order to create families of their own is part of normal human development. According to Murray Bowen, this separation can be achieved in a healthy and gradual manner that preserves the intergenerational relationships of the family of origin, providing both the new family and family of origin with a sense of continuity and support. Alternatively, a schism can differentiate these life stages. Familial estrangement falls into the second category.

In Bowen's theory, emotional cutoff and avoidance are unhealthy coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety and stress. These coping mechanisms represent emotional and intellectual systems that are fused rather than differentiated, so that emotions overwhelm objective thought process and govern behavior. [22] Poor differentiation is associated with continued relationship problems in life. Poor differentiation is also contagious in that it may induce stress in others. High differentiation is associated with emotional interdependence and multi-generational cooperation. Triangulation is when a third party enters the dynamic. A third party, however, may increase tension and trigger a rebellion.

In the Bowen theory, both the estranger and the estranged may use social and work relationships to create substitute families. [23] Support groups and other highly emotional organizations also provide a conduit for emotional energy from unresolved issues with parents, siblings and other family members. [24]

Victim – persecutor – rescuer

The Karpman drama triangle is a model of dysfunctional social behaviors. The persecutor attempts to shift blame or responsibility for their own actions onto another, the rescuer offers help to the victim in a manner that reinforces dependence, and the victim feels victimized, powerless and ashamed. [25]

Personal growth

Only since the late 20th century, family estrangement has been framed, usually by the estrangers rather than the involuntarily estranged family members, as a sign of their own personal growth. [18] This marks a recent shift from families as a source of moral obligations and material support to people seeing their families as tools to increase their individual happiness and to affirm their identities. [18] People in this mindset may say that their choice is courageous rather than avoidant or selfish. [18]

Costs and benefits

In the case of a parent–child estrangement, in which the adult child is typically the estranger, the adult child may receive benefits such as a sense of gaining power within the relationship, of freedom, or of control. [18] The rejected parents do not experience any benefits but do experience social stigma and feelings of loss. [18] [26]

Reconciliation

Reconciliation and resolution of the conflict are possible in some situations. [27] A decision to "live life forward", and to not seek the emotional validation of getting the other parties to agree about what happened in the past, helps some people build a functional, if sometimes more limited, relationship. [27] [28] This may involve setting boundaries collaboratively, for example, so that all parties agree that a particularly difficult subject will not be discussed. [28] For example, parents and their adult children may set boundaries together about how often they want to communicate or what information should be considered private. [18]

Triggers for reconciliation include changes in the family situation due to death or divorce, worries about health and death, and developing a clearer perspective about the original situation through the passage of time. [28]

See also

Related Research Articles

In social psychology, an interpersonal relation describes a social association, connection, or affiliation between two or more persons. It overlaps significantly with the concept of social relations, which are the fundamental unit of analysis within the social sciences. Relations vary in degrees of intimacy, self-disclosure, duration, reciprocity, and power distribution. The main themes or trends of the interpersonal relations are: family, kinship, friendship, love, marriage, business, employment, clubs, neighborhoods, ethical values, support and solidarity. Interpersonal relations may be regulated by law, custom, or mutual agreement, and form the basis of social groups and societies. They appear when people communicate or act with each other within specific social contexts, and they thrive on equitable and reciprocal compromises.

A stepfamily is a family where at least one parent has children who are not biologically related to their spouse. Either parent, or both, may have children from previous relationships or marriages. Two known classifications for stepfamilies include "simple" stepfamilies, where only one member of the family's couple has a prior child or children and the couple does not have any children together, and "complex" or "blended" families, where both members of the couple have at least one child from another relationship.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Avoidant personality disorder</span> Personality disorder

Avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) or anxious personality disorder is a Cluster C personality disorder characterized by excessive social anxiety and inhibition, fear of intimacy, severe feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, and an overreliance on avoidance of feared stimuli as a maladaptive coping method. Those affected typically display a pattern of extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and rejection, a belief that one is socially inept or personally unappealing to others, and avoidance of social interaction despite a strong desire for it. It appears to affect an approximately equal number of men and women.

Abuse is the improper usage or treatment of a person or thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. Abuse can come in many forms, such as: physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, assault, violation, rape, unjust practices, crimes, or other types of aggression. To these descriptions, one can also add the Kantian notion of the wrongness of using another human being as means to an end rather than as ends in themselves. Some sources describe abuse as "socially constructed", which means there may be more or less recognition of the suffering of a victim at different times and societies.

Parental alienation is a theorized process through which a child becomes estranged from one parent as the result of the psychological manipulation of another parent. The child's estrangement may manifest itself as fear, disrespect or hostility toward the distant parent, and may extend to additional relatives or parties. The child's estrangement is disproportionate to any acts or conduct attributable to the alienated parent. Parental alienation can occur in any family unit, but is claimed to occur most often within the context of family separation, particularly when legal proceedings are involved, although the participation of professionals such as lawyers, judges and psychologists may also contribute to conflict.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Dysfunctional family</span> Type of family

A dysfunctional family is a family in which conflict, misbehavior and often child neglect or abuse on the part of individual parents occur continuously and regularly. Children that grow up in such families may think such a situation is normal. Dysfunctional families are primarily a result of two adults, one typically overtly abusive and the other codependent, and may also be affected by substance abuse or other forms of addiction, or sometimes by an untreated mental illness. Parents having grown up in a dysfunctional family may over-correct or emulate their own parents. In some cases, the dominant parent will abuse or neglect their children and the other parent will not object, misleading a child to assume blame.

Social alienation is a person's feeling of disconnection from a group – whether friends, family, or wider society – with which the individual has an affiliation. Such alienation has been described as "a condition in social relationships reflected by (1) a low degree of integration or common values and (2) a high degree of distance or isolation (3a) between individuals, or (3b) between an individual and a group of people in a community or work environment [enumeration added]". It is a sociological concept developed by several classical and contemporary theorists. The concept has many discipline-specific uses and can refer both to a personal psychological state (subjectively) and to a type of social relationship (objectively).

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Social rejection</span> Deliberate exclusion of an individual from social relationship or social interaction

Social rejection occurs when an individual is deliberately excluded from a social relationship or social interaction. The topic includes interpersonal rejection, romantic rejection, and familial estrangement. A person can be rejected or shunned by individuals or an entire group of people. Furthermore, rejection can be either active by bullying, teasing, or ridiculing, or passive by ignoring a person, or giving the "silent treatment". The experience of being rejected is subjective for the recipient, and it can be perceived when it is not actually present. The word "ostracism" is also commonly used to denote a process of social exclusion.

Verbal abuse is a type of psychological/mental abuse that involves the use of oral, gestured, and written language directed to a victim. Verbal abuse can include the act of harassing, labeling, insulting, scolding, rebuking, or excessive yelling towards an individual. It can also include the use of derogatory terms, the delivery of statements intended to frighten, humiliate, denigrate, or belittle a person. These kinds of attacks may result in mental and/or emotional distress for the victim.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Cinderella effect</span> Higher prevalence of mistreatment by stepparents

In evolutionary psychology, the Cinderella effect describes the phenomenon of a higher incidence of child abuse and mistreatment by stepparents than biological parents. It takes its name from the fairy tale character Cinderella, a girl who is mistreated by her stepmother and stepsisters. Evolutionary psychologists describe this effect as being a byproduct of a bias towards biological family and a conflict between reproductive partners investing in young children that are unrelated to one partner.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is a stress-related mental disorder generally occurring in response to complex traumas, i.e., commonly prolonged or repetitive exposures to a series of traumatic events, within which individuals perceive little or no chance to escape.

Emotional dysregulation is characterized by an inability flexibly to respond to and manage emotional states, resulting in intense and prolonged emotional reactions that deviate from social norms, given the nature of the environmental stimuli encountered. Such reactions not only deviate from accepted social norms but also surpass what is informally deemed appropriate or proportional to the encountered stimuli.

The following outline is provided as an overview of and topical guide to interpersonal relationships.

Sibling abuse includes the physical, psychological, or sexual abuse of one sibling by another. More often than not, the younger sibling is abused by the older sibling. Sibling abuse is the most common of family violence in the US, but the least reported. As opposed to sibling rivalry, sibling abuse is characterized by the one-sided treatment of one sibling to another.

Childhood trauma is often described as serious adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). Children may go through a range of experiences that classify as psychological trauma; these might include neglect, abandonment, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse, witnessing abuse of a sibling or parent, or having a mentally ill parent. These events have profound psychological, physiological, and sociological impacts and can have negative, lasting effects on health and well-being such as unsocial behaviors, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and sleep disturbances. Similarly, children whose mothers have experienced traumatic or stressful events during pregnancy have an increased risk of mental health disorders and other neurodevelopmental disorders.

A narcissistic parent is a parent affected by narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. Typically, narcissistic parents are exclusively and possessively close to their children and are threatened by their children's growing independence. This results in a pattern of narcissistic attachment, with the parent considering that the child exists solely to fulfill the parent's needs and wishes. A narcissistic parent will often try to control their children with threats and emotional abuse. Narcissistic parenting adversely affects the psychological development of children, affecting their reasoning and their emotional, ethical, and societal behaviors and attitudes. Personal boundaries are often disregarded with the goal of molding and manipulating the child to satisfy the parent's expectations.

The effects of domestic violence on children have a tremendous impact on the well-being and developmental growth of children witnessing it. Children can be exposed to domestic violence in a multitude of ways and goes beyond witnessing or overhearing, although there is disagreement in how it should be measured. Children who are exposed to domestic violence in the home often believe that they are to blame, live in a constant state of fear, and are 15 times more likely to be victims of child abuse. Close observation during an interaction can alert providers to the need for further investigation and intervention, such as dysfunctions in the physical, behavioral, emotional, and social areas of life, and can aid in early intervention and assistance for child victims.

Early childhood trauma refers to various types of adversity and traumatic events experienced during the early years of a person's life. This is deemed the most critical developmental period in human life by psychologists. A critical period refers to a sensitive time during the early years of childhood in which children may be more vulnerable to be affected by environmental stimulation. These traumatic events can include serious illness, natural disasters, family violence, sudden separation from a family member, being the victim of abuse, or suffering the loss of a loved one. Traumatic experiences in early childhood can result in severe consequences throughout adulthood, for instance developing post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, or anxiety. The effects of this trauma can be experienced very differently depending on factors such as how long the trauma was, how severe and even the age of the child when it occurred. Negative childhood experiences can have a tremendous impact on future violence victimization and perpetration, and lifelong health and opportunity. However, not all children who are exposed to negative stimuli in early childhood will be affected severely in later life; some children come out unscathed after being faced with traumatic events, which is known as resilience. Many factors can account for the invulnerability displayed by certain children in response to adverse social conditions: gender, vulnerability, social support systems, and innate character traits. Much of the research in this area has referred to the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE) study. The ACE study found several protective factors against developing mental health disorders, including mother-child relations, parental health, and community support. However, having adverse childhood experiences creates long-lasting impacts on psychosocial functioning, such as a heightened awareness of environmental threats, feelings of loneliness, and cognitive deficits. Individuals with ACEs are more prone to developing severe symptoms than individuals in the same diagnostic category.

Interpersonal acceptance-rejection theory (IPARTheory), was authored by Ronald P. Rohner at the University of Connecticut. IPARTheory is an evidence-based theory of socialization and lifespan development that attempts to describe, predict, and explain major consequences and correlates of interpersonal acceptance and rejection in multiple types of relationships worldwide. It was previously known as "parental acceptance-rejection theory" (PARTheory). IPARTheory has more than six decades of research behind it, therefore, in 2014, the name was changed to "IPARTheory" because the central postulates of the theory generalize to all important relationships throughout the lifespan.

Sibling estrangement or sibling alienation is the breakdown of relationships between siblings resulting in a lack of communication or outright avoidance of each other. It is a phenomenon that can occur in families for various reasons such as unresolved conflicts, personality differences, distance, or life events. Similar to family estrangement, sibling estrangement is also linked to disruptive family events, such as parental divorce or the death of a family member. It includes emotional and physical distancing of siblings. It is a voluntary and intentional process in which at least one sibling creates or keeps distance from another sibling, triggered by a negative relationship between them. It can happen at different ages, in the majority of cases it happens during adulthood.

References

  1. ↑ McHugh, Beth. "Estranged Adult Children: When People Blame the Mother". Your Online Counselor. youronlinecounselor.com. Retrieved 2024-05-13.
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  4. 1 2 3 4 Carr, Holman, Abetz, Kellas, Vagnoni. (2015). Giving Voice to the Silence of Family Estrangement: Comparing Reasons of Estranged Parents and Adult Children in a Nonmatched Sample doi : 10.1080/15267431.2015.1013106
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  6. ↑ Coleman, Joshua. "Estranged: When feeling good about ourselves matters more than filial duty". Joshua Coleman Ph.D. drjoshuacolemen.com. Retrieved 2024-05-13.
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  10. ↑ Williams, Kipling D. (2002). Ostracism: the power of silence. New York: Guilford. ISBN   1-57230-831-1
  11. ↑ McDougall, P., Hymel, S., Vaillancourt, T., & Mercer, L. (2001). The consequences of childhood rejection. In M. R. Leary (Ed.), Interpersonal rejection. (pp. 213-247). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
  12. ↑ Agllias, Kylie (2013-08-01). "The Gendered Experience of Family Estrangement in Later Life". Affilia. 28 (3): 309–321. doi:10.1177/0886109913495727. ISSN   0886-1099. S2CID   147353870.
  13. ↑ Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. New York NY: W.W. Norton & Company, Inc.
  14. ↑ Walter, C.A. & McCoyd, J.L.M. (2009). Grief and loss across the lifespan: A biopsyosocial perspective. New York, NY: Springer.
  15. 1 2 "All on the family: ties, proximity, and estrangement". December 20, 2022.
  16. ↑ Silverstein M, Gans D, Lowenstein A, Giarrusso R, Bengtson VL. Older Parent - Child Relationships in Six Developed Nations: Comparisons at the Intersection of Affection and Conflict. J Marriage Fam. 2010 Aug;72(4):1006-1021. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00745.x. PMID 26203197; PMCID: PMC4507812.
  17. ↑ "How Parents Can Start to Reconcile with Estranged Kids".
  18. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Coleman, Joshua (2021-01-10). "A Shift in American Family Values Is Fueling Estrangement". The Atlantic. Retrieved 2021-01-14.
  19. ↑ Richman, Laura Smart. Leary, Mark R. (2009) Reactions to discrimination, stigmatization, ostracism, and other forms of interpersonal rejection: A multimotive model. Psychology Review. 116(2). DOI: 10.1037/a0015250
  20. ↑ Sanna J. Thompson, Lynn Rew, Amanda Barczyk, Pepper McCoy, and Ada Mi-Sedhi. (October 2009) Social Estrangement: Factors Associated with Alcohol or Drug Dependency among Homeless, Street-Involved Young Adults. Journal of Drug Issues 39: 905-929, doi : 10.1177/002204260903900407
  21. ↑ Ray, Susan L, Vanstone, Meredith. "The impact of PTSD on veterans' family relationships: An interpretive phenomenological inquiry. 2009 Jun;46(6):838-47. doi: 10.1016/j.ijnurstu.2009.01.002.
  22. ↑ Skowron, Elizabeth A.; Dendy, Anna K. (2004). "Differentiation of Self and Attachment in Adulthood: Relational Correlates of Effortful Control". Contemporary Family Therapy. 26 (3): 3. doi:10.1023/B:COFT.0000037919.63750.9d. S2CID   143254204.
  23. ↑ The Bowen Center http://www.thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/emotional-cutoff/ Archived 2017-02-28 at the Wayback Machine
  24. ↑ McKnight, A. S. (2003). The impact of cutoff in families raising adolescents. In P. Titelman (Ed.), Emotional cutoff: Bowen family systems theory perspectives. New York, NY: Haworth Clinical Practice Press.
  25. ↑ Lockhart, Lisa; Davis, Charlotte; Miller, Latha Diane (January 2017). "Help for patients with borderline personality disorder". Nursing Made Incredibly Easy!. 15 (1): 26–32. doi:10.1097/01.NME.0000489906.00962.35. S2CID   152114538.
  26. ↑ Agllias, Kylie (August 2013). "The Gendered Experience of Family Estrangement in Later Life". Affilia. 28 (3): 309–321. doi:10.1177/0886109913495727. ISSN   0886-1099. S2CID   147353870.
  27. 1 2 Brody, Jane E. (2020-12-07). "When a Family Is Fractured". The New York Times. ISSN   0362-4331 . Retrieved 2020-12-08.
  28. 1 2 3 Span, Paula (2020-09-10). "The Causes of Estrangement, and How Families Heal". The New York Times. ISSN   0362-4331 . Retrieved 2020-12-08.

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