Sexless marriage

Last updated July 29, 2024

Sexless marriage, celibate marriage or platonic marriage is a marital union in which little or no sexual activity occurs between spouses, taking into account what is defined as sexual activity by the respective partners. The most common cause of a decline in sexual frequency is aging, followed by marital unhappiness.^[1] Having children, sexual boredom, busy work schedules, and spousal infidelity are all factors that can lead to a sexless marriage. Marriage in some cultures culminates in a sexless union for cultural, religious, or political reasons.^[2]

Factors

Sexless marriages can develop over time from a range of possible factors. Aging is overwhelmingly the most common cause of sexless marriage, for men and women, largely because of the inability to engage in sexual intercourse due to health status, decreased sex drive, lower energy levels, and other age-related physical changes.^[1] Infidelity can result in sexlessness in marriage because of reduced sexual interest in a partner or animosity toward an unfaithful spouse.^[3] Varying work schedules and busy lives may contribute to sexual inactivity in some couples. For couples with children, especially young children, the demands of childbirth and child-rearing can lead to stress, exhaustion, and decreased opportunities for sexual interactions. Also, the frequency of intercourse tends to diminish over time, especially after 1-2 years of marriage.^[4] Habituation can also be an important factor. When sex takes place with the same person in the same way over time, novelty and interest can be lost and routine may predominate.^[5]

Sexual aversion, a low level of sexual desire, avoidance of sexual situations, or fear of sex, includes past trauma, a lack of sexual vitality due to age, incompatible sexual orientations, or one spouse losing interest in the other, potentially leads to a marriage that is sexually compromised.^[6] Mutually agreed upon abstinence from sex based on religious principles, avoidance of sexually transmitted infections, platonic friendship, or preventing conception may all be contributing factors to a relationship without a sexual connection. Further, if one or both partners are asexual, a sexless marriage can result.^[7]

Some couples may be married solely for legal purposes or tax benefits, i.e., what is colloquially called a marriage of convenience. For example, in the US a spouse is entitled to a Green Card if married to an American citizen or permanent resident.^[8] Another reason for a marriage of convenience is the lavender marriage, which conceals the homosexual/homoromantic or bisexual/biromantic orientation of one or both spouses.^[9]

Regardless of the reason sex declines, couples adapt to a lower level of sexual interaction, creating a new normal with each diminution, such that less and less sex may occur over the life span of the marriage.^[1]

A cultural perspective

Sex is considered key to marital happiness, however, in some cultures, sex is not considered an integral component of relationship satisfaction.^[2] Because approximately 60% of marriages worldwide are arranged, in many cultures around the globe potential partners meet for the first time on the day of the wedding. Traditionally, there has been no prior sexual contact with a prospective spouse before the ceremony.^[2]

There are marked variations in sexual frequency across cultures. For example, in parts of Asia, sexual interactions are significantly less than in the Western world.^[2] Complete abstinence from sex is common in India for women after the age of 50, particularly if a daughter marries or if she becomes a grandmother.^[2] Sexually active French couples had sex 141 times in a 365-day period, British couples 112 times, Americans 138 times, with Hong Kong having the lowest sexual frequency at 57 times a year, according to one survey.^[2]

One commonality across cultures is decreased sexual frequency with age.^[2] Older adults in Israel were found to refrain from sex for multiple reasons, among them body image and performance anxiety. The beliefs that sexual attractiveness diminishes with age in Israeli women, and fear of failing during sexual performance brings about humiliation for Israeli men, are partially responsible for decreased frequency or cessation of sexual engagement.^[10]

In Japan's past, under Japanese Imperialism, sexual desire was considered a man's domain, and sex outside the bonds of marriage was acceptable and expected, especially with prostitutes in a licensed prostitution system.^[11] Women, on the other hand, were believed not to possess sexual desire and were relegated to sex for procreation only. The term ″mendokusai″ means hassle in Japanese and was how Japanese women viewed sex during this period.^[11] During the post-war period in the 1950s, Japanese women began to work outside the home for the first time, but were still considered mere domestics regardless of their occupation. Women began to protest men as their masters in a patriarchal, androcentric society and their status as domestics, choosing instead to resist sexual activity, rendering their marriages sexless as a form of political resistance to foster change in Japan's male-dominated culture.^[11] Today, young, highly educated working women are postponing marriage thereby delaying entering into these institutional norms.^[11]

Chinese culture is very conservative, especially among older adults in terms of openly discussing sexual matters. In Hong Kong, sexless marriages are prevalent, particularly in urban Chinese married couples across all age groups from 25-59 years.^[12] Sexlessness among married Chinese women was more attributable to psychosocial factors such as lower spousal relationship satisfaction. For Chinese men, marital sexual inactivity was more attributable to a lack of interest in sex, extramarital relationships, or a low libido on the upper end of the age scale.^[12] Because divorce is disapproved of in Chinese society, only a 2.7% divorce rate indicates that a large portion of married Chinese couples remain in sexless marriages despite poor spousal relationships.^[12]

Religion

Gnosticism is an ancient religious movement that views the physical world as corrupt and evil because of the desires of the flesh. Gnostic philosophy is rooted in a belief that spiritual knowledge, or gnosis, allows one to transcend the inferior physical realm into a higher spiritual one. Some Gnostic sects believed that abstaining from sexual activity would assist individuals in achieving higher spiritual enlightenment and purity, thus aligning more closely with the divine. Consequently, Gnostic traditions encouraged sexless marriage to accomplish this transcendence.^[13]

There are seven sacraments or rituals believed to impart divine grace in Catholic doctrine. Three of these sacraments: Holy Communion (the Eucharist), Holy Matrimony (marriage), and Reconciliation (confession), are intertwined in a circumstance involving sexless marriage. The Catholic Church does not recognize common-law marriage. It is considered a mortal sin, a gravely sinful act that can lead to damnation.^[14] If a Catholic lives with a partner but would like to partake of communion, they must reconcile or confess their sins to the church, and either dissolve the common-law marriage and live apart, or formally agree to live as brother and sister in a sexless relationship, entirely abstaining from sexual relations. Only then are they allowed to take communion.^[14]

Jainism, an Indian religion, practices self-effort toward enlightenment, divine consciousness, and liberation from repeated lives through reincarnation. As a part of this philosophy, sexless living is practiced by monks, nuns, and secular practitioners, male and female, married and single. Married Jains must give up sex, if possible, after the birth of the firstborn son.^[15] The husband, referred to as the householder, must be content with his wife despite this and must view all other women as his mothers, daughters, and sisters. Jains must avoid anything sexually stimulating to maintain clear thoughts unencumbered by sexual passions.^[15]

Statistical overview

Sex is a complex, multifaceted, and largely private human experience, and as such, studies of marital sexual inactivity vary. The US National Health and Social Life Survey in 1992 found that 2% of married respondents aged 18 to 59 reported no sexual intimacy in the past year. Comparatively, 92% of married respondents aged 65 to 80 reported no sexual intimacy in the past year.^[16] The definition of a nonsexual marriage is often expanded to sexual intimacy fewer than 10 times per year, in which case the NHSL survey would include 20% of the couples. Other studies show that 10% or less of the married population below age 50 have not had sex in the past year. In addition less than 20% report having sex a few times per year, or even monthly, under the age 40.^[17]

Among older adults in the US, a sharp decline in marital sexual frequency is reported after the age of 50. For ages 50-54, 83% of couples are sexually active. For 65- to 69-year-olds, marital sexual frequency is 57%. For 75 years and older, 27% of couples are engaging in sex.^[1]

Related Research Articles

Human sexual activity, human sexual practice or human sexual behaviour is the manner in which humans experience and express their sexuality. People engage in a variety of sexual acts, ranging from activities done alone to acts with another person in varying patterns of frequency, for a wide variety of reasons. Sexual activity usually results in sexual arousal and physiological changes in the aroused person, some of which are pronounced while others are more subtle. Sexual activity may also include conduct and activities which are intended to arouse the sexual interest of another or enhance the sex life of another, such as strategies to find or attract partners, or personal interactions between individuals. Sexual activity may follow sexual arousal.

Marriage, also called matrimony or wedlock, is a culturally and often legally recognised union between people called spouses. It establishes rights and obligations between them, as well as between them and their children, and between them and their in-laws. It is nearly a cultural universal, but the definition of marriage varies between cultures and religions, and over time. Typically, it is an institution in which interpersonal relationships, usually sexual, are acknowledged or sanctioned. In some cultures, marriage is recommended or considered to be compulsory before pursuing sexual activity. A marriage ceremony is called a wedding, while a private marriage is sometimes called an elopement.

Sexual intercourse is a sexual activity involving the insertion and thrusting of the male penis inside the female vagina for sexual pleasure, reproduction, or both. This is also known as vaginal intercourse or vaginal sex. Sexual penetration has been known by humans since the dawn of time, and has been an instinctive form of sexual behaviour and psychology among humans. Other forms of penetrative sexual intercourse include anal sex, oral sex, fingering and penetration by use of a dildo, and vibrators. These activities involve physical intimacy between two or more people and are usually used among humans solely for physical or emotional pleasure. They can contribute to human bonding.

Cohabitation is an arrangement where people who are not married, usually couples, live together. They are often involved in a romantic or sexually intimate relationship on a long-term or permanent basis. Such arrangements have become increasingly common in Western countries since the late 20th century, being led by changing social views, especially regarding marriage, gender roles and religion.

Infidelity is a violation of a couple's emotional and/or sexual exclusivity that commonly results in feelings of anger, sexual jealousy, and rivalry.

Open marriage is a form of non-monogamy in which the partners of a dyadic marriage agree that each may engage in extramarital sexual or romantic relationships, without this being regarded by them as infidelity, and consider or establish an open relationship despite the implied monogamy of marriage. There are variant forms of open marriage such as swinging and polyamory, each with the partners having varying levels of input into their spouse's activities.

Premarital sex is sexual activity which is practiced by people before they are married. Premarital sex is considered a sin by a number of religions and also considered a moral issue which is taboo in many cultures. Since the Sexual Revolution of the 1960s, it has become accepted by certain liberal movements, especially in Western countries. A 2014 Pew study on global morality found that premarital sex was considered particularly unacceptable in "Muslim Majority Countries", such as Malaysia, Jordan and Pakistan, each having over 90% disapproval, while people in Western European countries were the most accepting, with Spain, Germany, and France expressing less than 10% disapproval.

A lavender marriage is a male–female mixed-orientation marriage, undertaken as a marriage of convenience to conceal the socially stigmatised sexual orientation of one or both partners. The term dates from the early 20th century and is used almost exclusively to characterize certain marriages of public celebrities in the first half of the 20th century, primarily before World War II, when public attitudes made it impossible for a person acknowledging homosexuality to pursue a public career, notably in the Hollywood film industry. One of the earliest uses of the phrase appeared in the British press in 1895, at a time when the color of lavender was associated with homosexuality.

Casual sex is sexual activity that takes place outside a romantic relationship and implies an absence of commitment, emotional attachment, or familiarity between sexual partners. Examples are sexual activity while casually dating, one-night stands, prostitution or swinging and friends with benefits relationships.

Sexual ethics is a branch of philosophy that considers the ethics or morality of sexual behavior. Sexual ethics seeks to understand, evaluate and critique interpersonal relationships and sexual activities from social, cultural, and philosophical perspectives. Some people consider aspects of human sexuality, such as gender identification and sexual orientation, as well as consent, sexual relations and procreation, as giving rise to issues of sexual ethics.

India has developed its discourse on sexuality differently based on its distinct regions with their own unique cultures. According to R.P. Bhatia, a New Delhi psychoanalyst and psychotherapist, middle-class India's "very strong repressive attitude" has made it impossible for many married couples to function well sexually, or even to function at all.

Extramarital sex occurs when a married person engages in sexual activity with someone other than their spouse. The term may be applied to the situation of a single person having sex with a married person.

The term emotional affair describes a type of relationship between people. The term often describes a bond between two people that mimics or matches the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship while not being physically consummated. An emotional affair is sometimes referred to as an affair of the heart. An emotional affair may emerge from a friendship, and progress toward greater levels of personal intimacy and attachment.

Situational sexual behavior is a type of sexual behavior which differs from that which the person normally exhibits, due to a social environment that in some way permits, encourages, or compels the behavior in question. This can include situations where a person's preferred sexual behavior may not be possible, so rather than refraining from sexual activity completely, they may engage in substitute sexual behaviors.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Sexual repression</span> Psychological state

Sexual repression is a state in which a person is prevented from expressing their own sexuality or sexual orientation. Sexual repression can be caused by an emotional conflict, in which a person feels guilt, shame, or distress regarding their natural sexual impulses. These feelings of emotional distress can be exacerbated by outside factors, such as family, religion, and peer pressure. Sexual repression is often synonymous with internalized homophobia, in which a gay, lesbian, or bisexual person feels the need to suppress their own homosexual impulses and conform to heterosexual norms. Sexual repression can also be caused by external oppression, in which the laws of a society prevent someone from expressing their sexuality freely.

Sexual desire discrepancy (SDD) is the difference between one's desired frequency of sexual intercourse and the actual frequency of sexual intercourse within a relationship. Among couples seeking sex therapy, problems of sexual desire are the most commonly reported dysfunctions, yet have historically been the most difficult to treat successfully. Sexual satisfaction in a relationship has a direct relationship with overall relationship satisfaction and relationship well-being. Sexual desire and sexual frequency do not stem from the same domains, sexual desire characterizes an underlying aspect of sexual motivation and is associated with romantic feelings while actual sexual activity and intercourse is associated with the development and advancement of a given relationship. Thus together, sexual desire and sexual frequency can successfully predict the stability of a relationship. While higher individual sexual desire discrepancies among married individuals may undermine overall relationship well-being, higher SDD scores for females may be beneficial for romantic relationships, because those females have high levels of passionate love and attachment to their partner. Studies suggest that women with higher levels of desire relative to that of their partners' may experience fewer relationship adjustment problems than women with lower levels of desire relative to their partners'. Empirical evidence has shown that sexual desire is a factor that heavily influences couple satisfaction and relationship continuity which has been one of the main reasons for the interest in this research domain of human sexuality.

A mixed-orientation marriage is a marriage between partners of differing sexual orientations. The broader term is mixed-orientation relationship, sometimes shortened to MOR or MORE.

In sexual relationships, concepts of age disparity, including what defines an age disparity, have developed over time and vary among societies. Differences in age preferences for mates can stem from partner availability, gender roles, and evolutionary mating strategies, and age preferences in sexual partners may vary cross-culturally. There are also social theories for age differences in relationships as well as suggested reasons for 'alternative' age-hypogamous relationships. Age-disparate relationships have been documented for most of recorded history and have been regarded with a wide range of attitudes dependent on sociocultural norms and legal systems.

Sexuality in Japan developed separately from that of mainland Asia, as Japan did not adopt the Confucian view of marriage, in which chastity is highly valued. Monogamy in marriage is often thought to be less important in Japan, and sometimes married men may seek pleasure from courtesans. Prostitution in Japan has a long history, and became especially popular during the Japanese economic miracle, as evening entertainments were tax-deductible. Decreased sex drive in the 21st century has been blamed for the low Japanese birth rate and declining growth of the Japanese population.

Sexuality in the United States varies by region and time period.

References

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