Savage Love

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Dan Savage (2005) Dan Savage Provided.jpg
Dan Savage (2005)

Savage Love is a syndicated sex-advice column by Dan Savage. The column appears weekly in several dozen newspapers, mainly free newspapers in the US and Canada, but also newspapers in Europe and Asia. It started in 1991 with the first issue of the Seattle weekly newspaper The Stranger .

Contents

Since October 2006, Savage has also recorded the Savage Lovecast , a weekly podcast version of the column, featuring telephone advice sessions. [1] [2] [3] Podcasts are released every Tuesday. [4]

History

In 1991, Savage was living in Madison, Wisconsin, and working as a manager at a local video store that specialized in independent film titles. [5] There, he befriended Tim Keck, co-founder of The Onion , who announced that he was moving to Seattle to help start an alternative weekly newspaper titled The Stranger . [5] Savage "made the offhand comment that forever altered [his] life: 'Make sure your paper has an advice column – everybody claims to hate 'em, but everybody seems to read 'em'." [6] He typed up a sample column, and to his surprise Keck offered him the job. [7] [8]

Until 1999, the format of the conversation began with an advice seeker saying, "Hey faggot", then asking their question. [9] Savage's intent was reappropriation of the word into a positive description for gay guys. [9] Using this word worked when the readers were LGBT, but as the column grew popular, Savage changed to a generic greeting to better match the expectations of the general public. [9]

Since 2002, he has written the column at Eppie Lederer's desk, which he, a "lifelong fan" of her Ann Landers column, bought at auction after the noted advice columnist died. [10]

Savage stated in a February 2006 interview in The Onion's A.V. Club (which publishes his column) that he began the column with the express purpose of providing mocking advice to heterosexuals, since most straight advice columnists were "clueless" when responding to letters from gay people. [7]

Language

During the run of Savage Love, Savage has popularized several neologisms and initialisms. He has also debunked several sexual neologisms for sex acts, including the "donkey punch", the "Dirty Sanchez", the "pirate", and the "hot Karl", concluding "they're all fictions." [11] He has objected to use of the term "pussy" as an insult, saying that vaginas were wonderful, "popping out babies", and proposed "scrotum" (pl. "scrota") as an insult.

Savage has also tried to reclaim many offensive words. For the first six years of the column, he had his readers address him with "Hey, faggot", as a comment on previous efforts to reclaim offensive words. He was criticized for this by some gay activists. After receiving criticism for use of the word "retarded"—considered by many to be an offensive slur against those with intellectual disabilities—Savage suggested "leotarded" as an alternative, because "leotard" rhymes with "retard".

Campsite rule

In any relationship, but particularly those with a large difference of age or experience between the partners, the older or more experienced partner has the responsibility to leave the younger or less experienced partner in at least as good a state (emotionally and physically) as before the relationship. The "campsite rule" includes things like leaving the younger or less experienced partner with no STDs, no unwanted pregnancies, and not overburdening them with emotional and sexual baggage. [12]

Tea and sympathy rule

Shortly after a 2009 scandal in Portland, Oregon, involving openly gay mayor Sam Adams and Beau Breedlove, who had allegedly begun a sexual relationship with Adams almost immediately after turning 18, Savage created a companion rule to the "campsite rule", now known as the "tea and sympathy rule". The rule is a reference to a line in the play of the same name, in which a much older woman asks of a high-school-age boy, right before having sex with him: "Years from now, when you talk about this – and you will – be kind." [13] Savage claimed in an article in The Portland Mercury that, while Adams followed the "campsite rule" – Breedlove did not claim that Adams had given him any diseases or caused him emotional trauma, and in fact still refers to Adams as a friend – Breedlove violated the "tea and sympathy" rule by making public statements that he knew could ruin Adams' career. [14]

CPOS

"Cheating piece of shit", said of a cheater, but usually reserved for one who is chronic or abusive/passive-aggressive about it.

DTMFA and ITMFA

Savage often uses the expression "dump the mother-fucker already" (DTMFA), at the close of a response, recommending that the writer immediately end an abusive or worthless relationship.

A reader of Savage Love suggested the initialisation ITMFA, a take on DTMFA, meaning "Impeach the Motherfucker Already!" The initialisation was coined in reference to the presidency of George W. Bush in 2006, but was reintroduced in 2017 in reaction to the presidency of Donald Trump. [15] Starting in 2018 Savage, through his website, sold clothing with ITMFA on it.

GGG

Savage coined "GGG", [16] [17] "good, giving, and game", and it means one should strive to be good in bed, giving "equal time and equal pleasure" to one's partner, and game "for anything – within reason". [17] [18] The term inspired the "How GGG Are You? Test" on dating site OkCupid, and the invention of a cocktail. [16]

HTH

"How'd that happen?", a mock-incredulous reply to those who write in and say they had certain (often sexual) things "happen to" them, as if they had no part or say in the incident, when they clearly did.

Lifting luggage

Following the "rent boy" allegations regarding George Rekers, who has widely promoted aversion therapy, Dan Savage, along with others including Stephen Colbert, [19] promoted the use of the idiom "to lift [some]one's luggage", meaning to supply sexual pleasure to, or derive it from, one's partner. This originated from Rekers who, when outed, insisted he had hired the escort only to assist him with lifting his luggage. [20] Rekers also claimed he "spent a great deal of time sharing scientific information on the desirability of abandoning homosexual intercourse" and "shared the gospel of Jesus Christ with him in great detail". [20]

Originally Savage suggested that "lifting my luggage" refer to listening to the speaker expound on the "desirability" of converting oneself from homosexual to heterosexual. Later, after several political humorists started employing "lifting your luggage" as an implicit or explicit reference to various sexual acts, [21] Savage suggested that "whatever lifts your luggage" supplant "whatever floats your boat" in common parlance.

Monogamish

In a July 20, 2011 column, Savage coined the term "monogamish", applying it to his own relationship with his partner. The term describes couples who are "mostly" but not 100% monogamous; such couples have an understanding that allows for some amount of sexual activity outside the relationship. [22] Savage believes that, of all the couples that people think are 100% monogamous, a lot of them are more "monogamish" than people realize. The term has since seen mainstream use. [23] [24]

Pegging

In 2001, Savage challenged readers of his column to coin a name for the sex act in which a woman uses a strap-on dildo to perform anal sex on her male partner. After multiple nominations and a reader vote, the verb "peg", popularized by the sex education movie Bend Over Boyfriend released in 1998, [25] was chosen, with a 43% plurality over runners-up "bob" and "punt". [26]

Saddlebacking

In 2009, after a controversy involving the Saddleback Church, the column defined "saddlebacking" as "the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected anal sex in order to preserve their virginities". [27] The term is a play on the word "barebacking", referring to sexual intercourse, especially anal sex between men, with no condom ("bare").

Santorum

Savage reacted strongly to statements made about homosexuality by former United States Senator Rick Santorum in an April 2003 interview with the Associated Press. [28] Santorum included gay sex as a form of deviant sexual behavior, along with incest, polygamy, and bestiality, that he said threatens society and the family; he said that he believed consenting adults do not have a constitutional right to privacy with respect to sexual acts. [29] Savage invited his readers to create a sex-related definition for "santorum" to "memorialize the Santorum scandal [...] by attaching his name to a sex act that would make his big, white teeth fall out of his big, empty head." [30] The winning definition was "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." [31] Savage set up a website to spread the term, inviting bloggers and others to link to it, which caused it to rise to the top of a Google search for Santorum's name. [32]

Tolyamorous

A tolyamorous person is someone in a monogamous relationship who knows that their partner occasionally has sex with somebody else, and is willing to put up with it and turn a blind eye. The word is similar to polyamory, and is a portmanteau of the Latin words "tolerare" (to tolerate, to bear) and "amor" (love).

Savage introduced this neologism on episode 900 of Savage Lovecast in January 2024. [33] [34]

Related Research Articles

The Alliance for Therapeutic Choice and Scientific Integrity (ATCSI), which until 2014 was known as the National Association for Research & Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), also known as the NARTH Institute, is a US organization that promotes conversion therapy, a pseudoscientific practice used in attempts to change the sexual orientation of people with same-sex attraction. NARTH was founded in 1992 by Joseph Nicolosi, Benjamin Kaufman, and Charles Socarides. Its headquarters were in Encino, California, at its Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic. NARTH has not been recognized by any major United States–based professional association.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Dan Savage</span> American sex advice columnist and gay rights campaigner

Daniel Keenan Savage is an American author, media pundit, journalist, and LGBT community activist. He writes Savage Love, an internationally syndicated relationship and sex advice column. In 2010, Savage and his husband, Terry Miller, began the It Gets Better Project to help prevent suicide among LGBT youth. He has also worked as a theater director, sometimes credited as Keenan Hollahan.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Rick Santorum's views on homosexuality</span>

Former Republican U.S. Senator and 2012 and 2016 U.S. Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is opposed to homosexuality, seeing it as antithetical to a healthy, stable, traditional family. Santorum does not believe the right to privacy under the United States Constitution covers sexual acts, and criticized the US Supreme Court ruling in the case of Lawrence v. Texas that ruled to the contrary. Santorum has stated that the U.S. military's "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, which ended in 2011, should be reinstated and has voiced his opposition to same-sex parenting. Santorum's views provoked criticism from Democratic politicians and other groups, but have been supported by some conservative Christians.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Sexual penetration</span> Sexual activity that involves inserting a persons body part into another person

Sexual penetration is the insertion of a body part or other object into a body orifice, such as the mouth, vagina or anus, as part of human sexual activity or sexual behavior in non-human animals.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Frot</span> Penis-to-penis sexual contact

Frot or frotting is a sexual practice between men that usually involves direct penis-to-penis contact. The term was popularized by gay male activists who disparaged the practice of anal sex, but has since evolved to encompass a variety of preferences for the act, which may or may not imply particular attitudes towards other sexual activities. This can also be used as some type of foreplay.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Teabagging</span> Sexual act

Teabagging is a slang term for the sexual act involving placing the scrotum into the mouth of a sexual partner for sexual pleasure, or onto the face or head of another person, sometimes as a comedic device.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Tristan Taormino</span> American author, columnist and adult film director

Tristan Taormino is an American feminist author, columnist, sex educator, activist, editor, speaker, radio host, and pornographic film director. She is most recently known for her book Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, which is often recommended as a starter guide to polyamory and non-monogamy.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Advice column</span> Journalism genre

An advice column is a column in a question and answer format. Typically, a reader writes to the media outlet with a problem in the form of a question, and the media outlet provides an answer or response.

George Alan Rekers is an American psychologist and ordained Southern Baptist minister. He is emeritus professor of Neuropsychiatry and Behavioral Science at the University of South Carolina School of Medicine. Rekers has a PhD from University of California, Los Angeles and has been a research fellow at Harvard University, a professor and psychologist for UCLA and the University of Florida, and department head at Kansas State University.

Donkey punch is the sexual practice of inflicting blunt force trauma to the back of the head or lower back of the receiving partner during anal or vaginal sex as an attempt by the penetrating partner to induce involuntary tightening of internal or external anal sphincter muscles or vaginal passage of the receiving partner. According to Jeffrey Bahr of Medical College of Wisconsin, there is no reflex in humans that would cause such tensing in response to a blow on the head, although striking a partner on the back of the neck or head could cause severe, even lethal injury.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Ass to mouth</span> Sex act

Ass to mouth is a slang term associated with the porn industry describing anal sex immediately followed by oral sex. The term is primarily used to describe a sexual practice whereby an erect penis is removed from a receptive partner's anus and then directly put into their mouth, or possibly the mouth of another.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Pegging (sexual practice)</span> Use of a strap-on dildo to penetrate another persons anus

Pegging is an anal sex act in which a woman penetrates a man's anus with a strap-on dildo.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Campaign for the neologism "santorum"</span> Campaign to create the neologism "santorum" started in 2003 by LGBT rights activist Dan Savage

The campaign for the neologism "santorum" started with a contest held in May 2003 by Dan Savage, a sex columnist and LGBT rights activist. Savage asked his readers to create a definition for the word "santorum" in response to then-US senator Rick Santorum's views on homosexuality and comments about same sex marriage. In his comments, Santorum had stated that "[i]n every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality. That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be." Savage announced the winning entry, which defined "santorum" as "the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex." He created a web site, spreadingsantorum.com, to promote the definition, which became a top internet search result, displacing the senator's official website on many search engines, including Google, Yahoo! Search, and Bing.

<i>Savage Love</i> (book) 1998 non-fiction book by Dan Savage

Savage Love: Straight Answers from America's Most Popular Sex Columnist is a non-fiction book by sex columnist Dan Savage. It was first published in 1998 by Plume.

<i>The Kid</i> (book) 1999 book by Dan Savage

The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant is a non-fiction book by Dan Savage. It was first published by Dutton in 1999. The book recounts the author's experiences during the process of adopting a child with his partner, Terry. Savage details for the reader his emotional states at various times during the adoption period and how it affected his life.

<i>The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family</i> 2005 book by Dan Savage

The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family is a non-fiction book by Dan Savage. It was first published by Dutton in 2005. The book delves into the author's experiences with his partner Terry Miller and their adopted son as they decide whether or not to get married. Throughout the course of the book, Savage incorporates an analysis of the debate over same-sex marriage within society.

<span class="mw-page-title-main">Dan Savage bibliography</span>

American author Dan Savage has written six books, op-ed pieces in The New York Times, and an advice column on sexual issues in The Stranger. A graduate of the University of Illinois at Urbana–Champaign, Savage began contributing a column, Savage Love, to The Stranger from its inception in 1991. By 1998 his column had a readership of four million. He was Associate Editor at the newspaper from 1991 to 2001, when he became its editor-in-chief, later becoming its editorial director in 2007.

Pirate has multiple meanings in sexual slang. Several of them emerged in the 20th century and play off the tradition that pirates took whatever they wanted, including sex, which was "seen as a conquest."

Savage Lovecast is a sex advice podcast hosted by Dan Savage and produced by Nancy Hartunian. The show began in 2006 as an extension of the Savage Love column in The Stranger.

Leaving the world a better place, often called the campground rule, or just leaving things better than you found them, is an ethical proposition that individuals should go beyond trying not to do harm in the world, and should try to remediate harms done by others.

References

  1. ↑ Raptopoulos, Lilah (July 2, 2014). "Listen to This: Savage Lovecast with Dan Savage". The Guardian. ISSN   0261-3077 . Retrieved October 21, 2023.
  2. ↑ Strimpel, Zoe (January 31, 2023). "Still fabulous: Savage Love podcast reviewed". The Spectator. Retrieved October 21, 2023.
  3. ↑ "'The Savage Lovecast' provides refreshing take on sex and relationships". The Tufts Daily. Retrieved October 21, 2023.
  4. ↑ "Dan Savage". Podcasts.thestranger.com. Archived from the original on December 6, 2010. Retrieved March 19, 2011.
  5. 1 2 "GLBTQ Literature: Dan Savage". GLBTQ.com. Archived from the original on June 4, 2011.
  6. ↑ Dan Savage, Introduction, Savage Love: Straight Answers from America's Most Popular Sex Columnist (New York: Plume, 1998), p. 2.
  7. 1 2 Dan Savage interviewed by Tasha Robinson, The A.V. Club, February 8, 2006.
  8. ↑ Dan Savage, Introduction, Savage Love: Straight Answers from America's Most Popular Sex Columnist, op. cit., pp. 1–5.
  9. 1 2 3 Accomazzo, David (July 13, 2013). "The Evolution of Dan Savage". Tucson Weekly.
  10. ↑ Savage, Dan (December 5, 2002). "Ann Advises On". The Stranger . Retrieved September 20, 2008.
  11. ↑ Dan Savage (December 23–29, 2004). "No Shit?". The Stranger . Retrieved February 16, 2012.
  12. ↑ Q, Dan (May 14, 2008). "Savage Love Readers Talk About the Campsite Rule". Scatmania. Retrieved December 11, 2013.
  13. ↑ Deborah Kerr, Actress Known for Genteel Grace and a Sexy Beach Kiss, Dies at 86 – The New York Times
  14. ↑ The Tea and Sympathy Rule Portland Mercury
  15. ↑ "Impeach the Motherfucker Already!". The Stranger.
  16. 1 2 Ken Walczak, "The GGG Cocktail", www.good.is, May 9, 2012 (accessed December 26, 2012) ("Dan is best known for two things: his advice that partners in any relationship strive to be Good, Giving, and Game (GGG) and ...").
  17. 1 2 DebHerbenick (September 12, 2012). "Science proves it: Dan Savage is right". Salon .
  18. ↑ Dan Savage, Wrong & Right, The Stranger March 1, 2007 (accessed December 26, 2012).
  19. ↑ "Colbert Rips Anti-Gay Activist, Throws 'Rentboy' Dance Party" Abramson, Dan (May 6, 2010). "Colbert Rips Anti-Gay Activist, Throws 'Rentboy' Dance Party". The Huffington Post. Retrieved June 12, 2013.
  20. 1 2 Whittell, Giles (May 6, 2010). "Baptist minister 'took ten-day holiday with male prostitute'". The Times. London. Archived from the original on May 6, 2010.
  21. ↑ "'Lift My Luggage' Is the New 'Hiking the Appalachian Trail'" by Daniel Kurtzman "About.com --Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog" . Retrieved October 21, 2010.
  22. ↑ Savage, Dan (July 20, 2011). "Savage Love: Monogamish". The Stranger. Retrieved January 8, 2015.
  23. ↑ Luscombe, Belinda (July 17, 2014). "Are You 'Monogamish'? A New Survey Says Lots of Couples Are". Time . Retrieved January 8, 2015.
  24. ↑ Oppenheimer, Mark (June 3, 2011). "Married, with Infidelities". The New York Times. Retrieved January 8, 2015.
  25. ↑ Beckett, Cooper S.; Miller, Lyndzi (October 14, 2022). The Pegging Book: A Complete Guide to Anal Sex with a Strap-On Dildo. Thorntree Press LLC. ISBN   978-1-952125-22-5 . Retrieved September 17, 2023.
  26. ↑ Dan Savage, We Have a Winner!. The Stranger, June 21, 2001. Accessed April 7, 2013.
  27. ↑ "Savage Love". The Stranger.
  28. ↑ "Excerpt from Santorum interview". USA Today. April 23, 2003. ISSN   0734-7456.
  29. ↑ Excerpt from Santorum in an interview: "...if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, ... [y]ou have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does.", USA Today , April 23, 2003
  30. ↑ Savage, Dan. "Bill, Ashton, Rick", The Stranger, May 15, 2003.
  31. ↑ Savage, Dan. "Gas Huffer", The Stranger, June 12, 2003.
  32. ↑ Mencimer, Stephanie. "Rick Santorum's Anal Sex Problem", Mother Jones, September/October 2010.
  33. ↑ "Instagram". www.instagram.com. Retrieved January 26, 2024.
  34. ↑ "Toly, Tolyamory, Tolyamorous - All Things Toly! - Dan Savage". savage.love. Retrieved January 29, 2024.
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