Post-flogging-demonstration embrace/aftercare at Folsom Street East Fair 2023
Aftercare refers to the process of providing emotional, psychological, or physical support to participants following BDSM activities. These activities can be mentally, emotionally, or physically intense, often leaving participants in need of comfort, reassurance, or physical tenderness. Aftercare may also involve a review or debriefing of the session to reflect on the experience and address any concerns or successes.
Engaging in a scene with a partner is an emotionally taxing ordeal, with intense releases of hormones such as dopamine and oxytocin. During sex, these hormones and emotions can help to heighten pleasure and the experience, however afterwards the sudden drop-off of these hormones and exhilaration may lead to depressive moods following sex. This leads to Post-coital tristesse, often called post-coital blues, or strains on relationships with a sexual partner. Aftercare is meant to combat this sudden drop and allow the body and mind to adjust while those hormones fade, and back into everyday living.[1] While aftercare often includes physical closeness, such as hugging, kissing, hair-stroking, or cuddling, it can also involve verbal affirmations, gratitude, or even "vanilla" sexual activities like fellatio. Additionally, some participants may prefer to be alone or have other ways of processing their experiences, particularly if they feel unsafe or need rest.[2][3]
Contrary to common assumptions, aftercare is not limited to submissive participants alone. Dominant participants may require equal or greater levels of support depending on the intensity of the scene, their experience, and personal needs. The need for aftercare is highly individual and unrelated to a participant's role as dominant or submissive.
In long-distance BDSM relationships, aftercare can include the exchange of emotionally significant items to provide reassurance and maintain a connection. The effectiveness of such practices depends on the emotional investment of both parties.[citation needed]
Despite originating in the BDSM community, the term "Aftercare" is slowly becoming more mainstream, under different terms such as simply "cuddling" after sex.[4]
Emotional Benefits
Emotional responses to BDSM activities can vary significantly, ranging from euphoria to feelings of sadness or depression. While these responses are not exclusive to BDSM, studies highlight the prevalence of such experiences. For instance, research published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 46% of women and 41% of the men polled reported feeling after sex at least once in their lives.[5] Although these studies were conducted on a limited population, they emphasize the importance of addressing emotional aftereffects as part of aftercare.[6][7]
A person who feel these intense spurs of anxiety and depression may be feeling Post-coital depression (PCD), informally known as post-sex blues and not to be confused with the clear-headedness of "post-nut clarity".[8] PCD and other form of anxiety or irritability surface due to heightened emotional sensitivity caused by the rush of various hormones. Aftercare helps to combat PCD, as a way to regulate and enhance the security that an individual feels after intercourse. It acts to bring an individual from the intensity of intimacy back into normalcy.[9]
Relational Benefits
Trust and communication are foundational to BDSM practices. Partners are encouraged to clearly express their desires, establish boundaries, and agree on a safeword or signal to stop activities if necessary. Aftercare, which often includes affectionate and caretaking behaviors, is essential for decompressing after a scene and strengthening intimacy between participants. These practices not only promote emotional recovery but also help reinforce trust through post-scene discussions, allowing partners to address what worked and what did not.[10]
Aftercare also helps to generate more relational and sexual satisfaction after having intercourse. Given that the time following sexual activity is often more emotional, it is an excellent time to reinforce relations/connection with the other person. Research suggests things as simple as verbal communication occurring during this time is especially important, and early studies also show that the "afterplay" serves in sexual and relationship satisfaction just as much as, or even more than, other facets of intimacy such as foreplay or orgasm.[11][9] The longer that these exchanges last post-sex, the greater benefit towards the relationship and greater sexual satisfaction.
Common aftercare practices
Aftercare practices can vary widely depending on individual preferences and the intensity of the BDSM scene. Some common practices include cuddling, which is a low-energy activity that helps release oxytocin, a hormone known for reducing stress and increasing intimacy. Rehydration and snacks are also common, as drinking water and eating can replenish energy and provide comfort after an intense scene. Addressing minor injuries is another practice; for those engaging in more extreme forms of BDSM, such as blood or knife play, aftercare may involve disinfecting and patching up wounds to ensure safety and well-being. Sleeping together is a frequent practice, as taking a nap or sleeping together fosters intimacy and physical connection. Watching a movie is another option, and a lighthearted or funny movie offers a way to relax completely while sharing cuddles and snacks. Recounting the scene is a common practice where partners may discuss the scene, sharing what they liked, disliked, or wish to try in the future; this communication builds trust and ensures mutual understanding. Kissing or slow sex is practiced by some, as slow and sensual sexual activity can function as a form of aftercare, helping reconnect participants to themselves and their partner rather than their roles during the scene. Words of affirmation are used, and affirming your partner by telling them they are loved and safe, or praising their performance, can provide reassurance and emotional support. Massage is also a practice, and gentle massages, accompanied by soothing music and dim lighting, allow partners to wind down while sharing physical affection.[2][3]
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